Given how much I wanted to express my loathing for crossovers without damaging the Erin brand, I decided to come up with a whole new company that I could trash without any need to worry about repercussions and what not.
#Let me draw your attention to the elephant in the room.
Or should I say, the elephant-man in the room…
Alstrena would like to apologise for any nausea induced by looking at the DV-3
The Alstrena DV-3 is the most abhorrent excuse for a car that I have ever made. It’s uglier than fox poo, it drives like rotting vegetables and has an actual deficit of personal character. Owning this thing will actually reduce your life expectancy.
Alstrena didn’t put this car into production because its designer’s had a passion for automobiles. They didn’t make it to push boundaries or set a new standard for the automotive industry. No, they did it to fill a gap in a market that didn’t need to be filled, knowing full well that they could con brain-dead members of the public into thinking this car has more space than a similarly sized estate or MPV.
We already have a compact sedan and a compact hatchback and a compact coupe, which means we definitely need to spend millions of dollars developing a compact crossover, just to ensure we can use up every letter and number combination possible!
This particular trim is called the Vibe+, named that way so that the imbeciles who buy this thing can pretend they’re life is actually as cool as they think it is. Yet, it is beyond generic, and has all the features you would expect on a car several thousand dollars cheaper than it.
But that doesn’t mean sh*t to the owner of the DV-3, because this car has a slightly higher driving position, and that’s all that matters.
The DV-3 offers no reasons to buy it, no advantages over other vehicles and no benefits to owning it. It’s slow, heavy, handles dreadfully, has lower-than-average fuel economy for this sector, has a body that is too fat and looks too stretched for it’s own good, has no flair, no passion, no feeling to it whatsoever, and can be yours for $20160.
For that money, you could have:
A top of the range Erin Merna, a well-specced Brivio Roma, almost anything from the Maesima Prova range, this gorgeous RMW Vega, a metric-ton’s worth of Samindas, a base-level Adenine Valence, an Airbourne Yujin, some compact luxury with the IMP Nero, the Horyuji Keiko (which has the same amount of space for less money, meaning you could spec it up well), and loads of other cars that all have genuine passion put in to them, that will actually be interesting to take down a nice country lane, that have charm and character, that are reliable and trustworthy, that haven’t been made just to look good on a quarterly earnings report, that are actual cars made by people who care about automobiles and their drivers.