*Lighter being flicked open ominously… *
2 Likes
Good lord you people are ruthless 
here, I’m just in the process of CPing everything!!!
Lunch break on a Monday, Tesla’s head hit the long table in the rec room with a soft thud, and didn’t move. Kai looked up from his nutritionist-approved fruit salad and poked her in the ribs, eliciting the soft whine of a mostly deflated balloon.
“You look like shit,” he offered, ever so helpfully.
“Thanks bruh,” Tesla muttered, before readjusting her hat and fixing her burgeoning folder with a baleful stare. “You wanna be helpful, pick m-” she stopped short of finishing with pick my ute for me, because as recent shopping record showed, while Kai was a brilliant driver and had even helped her out with the test driving of some of her prospective buys (probably because he was bored), he was the last person to ask when it came to her making a sensible investment.
Too late, Kai was already peering at the folder. Not because he was interested in reading its contents, but because there might be pictures and he might remember which one drove like what.
“Kai, it’s alright, I have to figure out-”
“Ooooooh what’s this?” oh shit, now professional doodler Stroppy McHorsebutt was parking his posterior next to her and sticking his carrot chomping face in it too. “Wow, I can’t believe you actually wrote all the info down.”
“It’s a serious investment!” Tesla protested, inwardly chagrined that she was championing the perspective that Hannah had browbeat into her. “I just have a lot of thinking to do.”
Strop nearly went crosseyed from all the walls of text and dot points from the over two dozen dossiers compiled complete with annotations with liberally sprinkled asterisks and stars and underlines. “If there’s one thing I learnt from my previous career, it’s that you’ll never get anywhere without streamlining your information flow.” Tesla switched the target of her baleful stare from the folder, to Strop. “Staring at impenetrable walls of text helps me think.”
“Not fast enough it won’t.” Red alert, red alert, Hannah has entered the room with her hands on her hips. “Our favourite Saudi stuffed Mephisto #24 doing two hundred in some street race or whatever the fuck they do out there. Since he somehow survived, naturally he paid for a full rebuild in advance. What’s left of it is coming via private charter for a rebuild in abouuuuuuuut four hours, so I need youse to get a team and pull double time on that for the next week so we don’t faff around and fall behind on Mercury assembly.”
Kai started sputtering in righteous indignation (how dare they wreck his baby. All Mephistos were his baby after all). Tesla could feel her heart sinking. That would be another week of sleepless nights, not buying a ute, not getting her lovely Corinthian pillar base into her driveway (still hadn’t figured out what she was going to do with it). On the plus side, a Mephisto rebuild was worth a few hundred grand and the Saudi tipped very well for perfection, the upshot of which at least she’d get paid full award rates for this kind of overtime. Which was nice, but still didn’t alleviate the fact she still didn’t have a ute…
Hannah glanced at the folder and its contents splayed out over the table. “Youse gonna be distracted by your yute aint’cha. Fine. I’ll give you 'til tomorrow to get it sorted! You!” She pointed at Strop, who started like a deer in headlights. “Help her get it sorted!” Then she whirled around and stubbed out of the room.
There was a few moments of stunned blinking. Then Strop shrugged at Tesla. “So, uh, do you want any help?”
“Hnnnnnnnnggggghfine.” Tesla swept up all the notes into her folder and thrust it at Strop. “Make it happen.”
“Huh?”
“You know what I want! Give me all the information in an organised list that I can understand and can choose from so I can pick it up today.”
About five minutes later, weird anime computer guy Waxwell came back and flicked a USB stick at Tesla, who instinctively caught it. “What’s this?”
“Your data, in table and graphic form. Should be easier to read.” He almost looked a bit disappointed that Tesla had, against her usual instincts, caught the dongle in her paw and not her mouth. Tesla, for her part, always had a bit of the weird creeps whenever somebody involved Waxwell. Not only was he way too into anime, he mostly lived on the weird part of the internet. He probably always kept a copy of the data for himself in his private dossiers. It almost felt like, if she didn’t explicitly block him from doing so, somehow he’d pop up out of nowhere one day and start giving her shopping advice for her next date.
What Tesla didn’t know was what kind of sick twisted ‘favours’ Waxwell subjected Strop to whenever Strop corralled him into these affairs. Last time, it was going with him to the comic expo Supanova dressed as a My Little Pony character. Although that was more the result of blackmail.
Anyway, information organised was information easier to process. The moment she booted up the projector in the videoconference room she knew Waxwell was true to his word, and had even depicted the characteristics of each vehicle in those shapeographic things that Japanese people loved (bless his otaku heart). So with that, it was time to reflect and decide upon the:
#Round 38 Results
Thoughts: This is a real sports ute with……. Less power than most base model trims??? In the name of economy, I suppose? Normal sporting trims in this market sector pull anywhere from 400-500+ bhp, but this one’s pootling along at 277, which is pleasant enough but is it enough for a ute??? That’s more like… compact hot hatch territory these days. Hell, not even hot hatch, more like… lukewarm. But then again maybe that sector’s just crazy. Kai did take this one for a spin and it was a real visceral ride and it was damn comfy to boot. The biggest question is can it really carry all the stuff it seems to be able to fit in its tray… if all the stuff were about as dense as concrete? Probably not. But it sure is pretty nimble for its size. Just, for all its nimbleness, if it played with the other big boys it’d get left in the dust from sheer lack of power.
Verdict: Not a real working lady’s ute. Strangely enough probably fits the profile of the recreational sports ute people get when their real working vehicle is a Ranger/Hilux/BT50 etc., but like many things in this world, just why?
Thoughts: Bonus oldskool points for old body in new car. This caters somewhat to the niche market Tesla’s into in terms of aesthetics, but with that quirky modern twist sometimes seen in Smooth creations. Cabin is a bit cramped though. Heaps of room in the tray but also a proper 4x4 function. Decent sized V8 with nice low down torque. Staggered tyres is odd, but then this was a feature seen in a great deal many vehicles here today. There’s a lot of compromise in this ute, some of it hits the right notes, and it’s comparatively good value to many of the others on this market. But are the daily discomforts tolerable enough for the various benefits this brings?
Verdict: For a weird package Waxwell had difficulty classifying it does bring quite a bit to the table. The oldskool aesthetic has a modern twist. 10 years of a not-as-liveable car will require a lot of consideration, depending on how it stacks up against the rest.
Thoughts:
http://i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/facebook/000/004/029/disgusted-mother-of-god.jpg
This is one of a handful of particular “what the actual fuck is this” entities. “Farmer by day, racer by night” read the ad. Well, Tesla was no farmer, but it was an intriguing mix enough that Kai, on his off day, was curious enough for them to go take a look for shits and giggles. What they found was something best described as half baked. Definitely modified, it had to be. Like one of those half and half vehicles, the ghost of a boy racer from the 80s welded to a SEAsian compact utility… then riced up with an undertray and fat low profile sports wheels… shod with eco tyres. What. Starting the engine was even funnier: a proper 4L V8 in it, which sounded promising. Flooring it, the little ute racer sure leapt off the line pretty quick, thanks to its AWD drivetrain and LSD, but banged off the rev limiter prematurely. Changing up was a frustrating experience because the torque kept climbing and so there was always the sensation that the engine was selling itself short. Then there was the handling: terminal snap oversteer, which led to some hilarious and hair-raising involuntary all-wheel drift. All the more hair raising for having questionable crash safety!
Verdict: Better leave this one to the farm boys, it’s clear they were on moonshine something powerful, and we don’t think it’s quite finished either. At least, it better not be, because if it is, it isn’t very good at what it’s trying to do, whatever that is.
Thoughts: She’s a looker, and a genuine approaching classic status article this one. The one pre-noughties ute that made the list, and predictably it made its age known almost instantly with pre-noughties ride, pre-noughties performance, and pre-noughties fuel economy. Goes with the territory, though. Despite a rather tall first gear for a workhorse like this, the real V8 has plenty of torque through the entire range, so not so much an issue really. Would have been a real prize fighter back in the day, and given it’s selling for far cheaper than it’s probably worth to a collector, the comparatively expensive ten year projection may just be worth it for an antiques hound like Tesla. After all, if it holds together even just 5 years it’ll attain classic status, and for a piece of this quality that could be the ticket.
Verdict: Massive bonus points for being the oldest of the bunch and looking the part. To preserve or to work it to within an inch of its life? That is the question.
Thoughts: Hannah immediately approves, but that’s because she’s biased. Heaps of naturally aspirated torque from the 5.1 V8 is a very attractive prospect, but less so the obligation to use 95. Good thing it doesn’t drink obscene amounts of petrol. This trim seems to be ‘lukewarm’, with some upgraded wider tyres, but everything else is pretty generic and the brakes don’t quite seem up to snuff compared to the rest of the market. It would probably sort of scrabble through its duties and save some money to boot… but is that enough?
Verdict: The reason companies like Whitworth went under was because they seemed stubbornly unimaginative to a fault and it resulted in a stagnating product line that lagged behind an evolving competition. Generic and cheap works for some but not when your sector turns into a cut-throat free-for-all.
Thoughts:
First things first, this thing’s uglier than the most unorthodox of Ssangyongs. As Alstrena, cynical market gap filler extraordinaire, candidly said themselves, you buy Alstrena because you’re too scared or stupid to buy anything else. Tesla is neither of these things, so I guess she isn’t buying this! It was slated to be “a generic family sedan with half the cabin chopped off and a tray put on it” and it shows: this falls in the category of: it’s really not a ute disguised as a ute. Also, no fun at all. It’s got the fuel consumption of a big vee-eight yet nowhere near enough torque to deal with all the stuff you could pile into its massive tray. At least it’s cheap… eurgh, ten years with this piece of shit isn’t worth even an extra 30k headstart on a deposit. Sad!
Verdict: Just thinking about what if Holden sold a ute conversion of a Craptiva makes me want to drive one off a cliff, or better yet, hand it to the boys on The Grand Tour. They’ll know what to do with it.
“Ok, oh Dog, fuck me, I gotta take a breather,” Tesla thought, flicking off the projector and trying to fill her head with images of ham hocks and flying tennis balls instead.
20 Likes
After reading these thoughts and verdicts, I fear what you will say about my car. I definitely went too far to the eco side with my entry I think.
Time was wearing on and Tesla was only about a third of the way. Time to get back to scrolling and perusing!
Thoughts: It looks angry, Wild West angry. With a suitable designation of contrasting consonants, this seems like a rather macho proposition. With the exception of the oddly placed wing and the abnormally bitey front brake pads, it also seems to attempt to gear firmly towards being an offroader, even coming with an auto locker diff (in AWD!). But even navigating the steeper of driveways unfortunately caused the rear tray to scrape on the road. Not the only one to do that, mind you. Maybe it’s still good for the beach. This aside, it’s an adequate hauler with great torque, although the boost hits hella hard and first is a bit tall.
Verdict: As an average adequate new ute it could be a contender. But for its price point is it really worth being adequate?
Thoughts: EYEPOPPING. Holy shit. Wow. Futur-retro in a modern package, definitely makes a certain Tesla at least a bit moist. The rest of the package is big, meaty, grunty, but with the characteristic high tech, high revving high output Dragotec powerplant. Early turbo spool (and one hell of a torque hit), great even torque delivery through almost the entire range. First is a bit tall, and the lack of traction control is a slight mystery, but this is clearly built to haul and go places (or is it? Those tyres seem to suggest otherwise). Identity confusion aside, it can sure take a big load, and it sure is eye-candy, which does make it a sexy prospect… But the lack of traction control plus the tall first gear plus the big boost hit however did damage its drivability and therefore livability quite a bit, which over ten years, does add up…
Verdict: Hits a lot of the right notes, and strongly at that. If only it was more liveable for a modern-ish offering, but hey, it sure makes up for that elsewhere.
Thoughts: From this enduring manufacturer of sky blue fame comes another “trying their hand at absolutely everything”, and it works out pretty well. It’s as if the engineering department said: these are the things that modern vehicles ought to be and then transplanted all that into a ute. We can’t really complain about any part of it: it’s got good road manners, it’s quick, it has an average-sized burbly sounding V8, it has the usual trimmings. The brakes are a little grabby on the rear but you’ll be thankful for that when you have a ton of stuff in the tray. The only thing we found a bit on the nose was a relative lack of airbags. Otherwise it was average in all respects, but rock solid in economy and reliability. Its real party trick however is that it has a solid axle coil rear suspension, which, along with the brakes, gives it much greater load capacity despite a comparatively smaller tray. An all-rounder made to excel at ute stuff.
Verdict: A better than average new hauler with superior value. Definitely worth considering, if one doesn’t mind the bug-eyed Bogliq aesthetic.
Thoughts: Those side pipes. I’m pretty sure they’re not legal in Australia, but details details. This ute is interesting in that most of the things it needs to be a decent all rounder are there, but it eschews some key details that became important sometime in the noughties: it lost a lot of road manners due to a lack of traction and stability control. Now, I know that a lot of typical ute drivers like pulling big smoky burnouts and shunting their ute into a pole, but Tesla isn’t exactly one of them. This is also not really the kind of ute you can take places and while the engine is mostly competent and what you’d expect to find in a reasonable family sedan, it doesn’t have any kind of edge of extra fun or verve to it. At this point I should probably mention the biggest problem with it: compared to the rest of the competition it doesn’t handle big loads with nearly as much aplomb. Therefore it mainly stands out for its value for money.
Verdict: Cheap, frugal and comfy. All very fine things for a family sedan. But it’s supposed to be a ute.
Thoughts: It may not look like the most inspired, edgiest embodiment of utility zeitgeist, but it’s pretty legit. A proper turbo i6 in here, with very nice torque and power figures and one of the most responsive throttles of the bunch. Yes, the turbo spools a bit late, and first is geared pretty long. Other than that, it’s clearly biased towards the sporty side of things, with sports tyres, geared LSD, and rather firm ride. Which then begs the question, is this a suitable vehicle for hauling really heavy stuff? In Tesla’s case, the answer is ‘sort of’. It’s adequate, and in most respects it’s that: adequate. After poring over two dozen entries, is that enough to stand out as the pick of the bunch?
Verdict: Generic ute is generic? Depends on what you think generic is, of course. I mean, you know you’re in Automation land when your ‘average’ sports ute tops out at 300km/h.
Thoughts:
http://i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/facebook/000/004/592/my-brain-is-full-of-fuck.jpg
“Totally not stolen”, the classified read. I dunno, if this ain’t hot, then it’s heavily modded. I’ve never seen this kind of body in all alu panels for one. Also, it has a DW multilink suspension that belongs on a sports car. The V6 is tuned for high-end hijinks. The transmission is sequential, and the drivetrain is AWD, as opposed to what every vehicle in this guise would be: 4x4. Not to mention the completely out of place undertray. This thing is a veritable Frankensteiner mobile. It corners almost as good as nippy little buggers half its size and is even faster off the line but makes even less sense for a client with needs as Tesla does. And for that matter, Kai driving this one like it was hot (the way it was apparently supposed to be driven) was an actually nauseating affair.
Verdict: About as creditable as this
only its polar opposite. Should probably sell for even less at Coys.
Aaaaand there it was. The next headache inducing entry that required another biobreak.
16 Likes
The lines were starting to blur together. There was an incessant growling in the pit of Tesla’s stomach. She was half tempted to call Sam and get him to fetch her some snacks, only she knew if she did that, she’d wake up the next morning with the worst sugar hangover, and if he looked like shit with one of those, she wasn’t sure how much worse off she’d be.
Thoughts: The undisputed, er, Bowles-Noyce of the ute world, it’s not clear what the manufacturer was expecting in terms of market share (hence it being unclear just how many of these were produced, if it was produced in any quantity at all). That being said it is supremely plush. And old school in its internals (aesthetics wise it looks like a modern… Bowles-Noyce on the front and a Commodore on the back, so.) The OHV v8, curiously still pure aluminium, is marvellously tuned to give maximum grunt low down (and like its bretheren rapidly runs out of puff thereafter), but this means it can really haul and when it’s not doing that, it sips in city driving (forget attempting to haul ass though). Even better, its smooth 8 speed auto has you covered with any ratio you need (though it won’t make you go any faster). Yet for its unrivalled luxury, it’s actually not that expensive a prospect. Strictly a creature comforts vehicle, it’s not much of a weekend warrior.
Verdict: Hahahahahahaha what the fu- actually damn, this thing’s really good where it matters. Surprise package of the lot so far.
Thoughts:
This is another: What the actual fuck is this? Is the first impression one has looking at it. First, the colour, assaults one with all the grace of a wildebeest on an acid bender. Second, those pop-up headlights are, in 2017, a kind of fashion statement that screams ‘unnecessary engineering’. Speaking of which, the engine is a very strange pick: an alarmingly large displacement-per-cylinder i3 which puts out a handsome 245Nm, which is great for a car, but is it enough for a heavy hauling ute? To make things even stranger, underneath that naff exterior is quality more appropriate in a supercar, but applied to a ute. With a manual locker and small skinny road tyres. With mags. And an offroad skidtray. I feel schizophrenic just thinking about it. It’s well capable of off-roading and its first ratio is mercifully very short, which would probably go a long way to overcoming its relative lack of torque compared to the competition. For those reasons it actually almost seems competitive on paper, maybe it would be even more so if it could make up its mind and ditch the superfluous sports stuff. And get a proper stylist, because as it looks now Tesla wouldn’t be caught dead in one.
Verdict: Sometimes it’s not called being superficial, it’s called having a shred of dignity. Even for a dog with no dignity.
Thoughts: Newsflash: no, a Golf can’t double as a utility vehicle. You can load a FF compact hatch with stuff, yes, but if you load it up with a literal metric ton of stuff in the rear… it’s going to struggle bigtime. The list of FWD utes is as follows: Suzuki Mighty Boy. Proton Jumbuck. And uh, I’m struggling to name any more. And by the way, those things had tiny trays and a load capacity of about 300kg. Needless to say that’s not the class of vehicle Tesla is looking for, and that’s all that I can say that’s useful about this vehicle!
Verdict: No.
Thoughts: Purely given our differences in taste, this will be a statement I rarely apply to Madrias’ creations, but I actually really like the styling of this ute. The baffling bit is the comically tiny wheels, which appear to be more appropriate for a subcompact. That aside, I thought we had some proper power monsters in the mix until I popped the hood on this thing. 705Nm hahahahahahahaha. 7.7L V8 now that’s the kind of stuff they put in proper hero cars, innit? Yes, it did make it a bit of a handful, plus the tuning and the package was very sport so it still cornered like a hot hatch. And in a straight line, sure, the rears lit up… rather a lot, bit of a crowd favorite. But on a nice empty bit of road and in Kai’s hands (Tesla was like forget it) it kept going and going and going until the rear end got a bit light on and it was time to not bin the thing and die in a fire. This thing would probably be a contender for world’s fastest ute, if anybody dared actually push it to its limits. Hell, it’s hard enough to drive without getting close to its limits. On the other hand, the massive amount of torque thanks to its unnatural displacement does mean it’s got the chops to fit as much as one can cram in its considerable tray. Despite everything it doesn’t drink too much either. The downside: it’s still pretty expensive for what it is, even after depreciation, so is it really worth it apart from the knob status?
Verdict: With great power comes great… well I dunno, I can’t hear you over the sound of POWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Thoughts: This is one of the handsomer utes on display: nothing too fancy, but highlights in just the right spots and a unique colour. In terms of driving it on the street, it’s a joy. Smooth, responsive, pliant. But for everything else that a ute is supposed to be… well mainly it’s prohibitively expensive, due to a) 95 octane b) not the best fuel economy c) V12.
Why in god’s name would you put a V12 in a ute??? It boggles the mind, especially a small displacement one with really not an awful lot of torque. Just the amount of engineering compromises required to get it to fit, let alone work, compromises its ability as a hauler and also as a …supercar? Then there’s this “Burnout Button”, which locks the front brakes and allows you to dump the clutch and ruin your rears. Aside from being questionably legal (maybe keep it to private property, haha, who cares except your neighbours?), it’s… well. At least there’s something poetic about a V12 screaming through thick clouds of tyre smoke, at least until the block overheated and shat itself. I shudder to think of the repair bill.
Side note: by the way, that is not the correct application for heavy cast conrods and pistons. For this particular application, regular cast would have been more appropriate, and it cost you a lot of reliability points. Also ensure that you have at least the minimum amount of cooling.
Verdict: Now we know why you don’t put a V12 in a fucking ute
People, I apologise. I’m having quite the busy week both work and personal business wise, therefore I have technically failed to uphold my promise. As of now there are ten entries whose verdicts have been written but I just have to post them. I shall do this, along with the final results, tomorrow. Sorry to those of you with usernames from M-Z!
To bide the time, I shall explain the criteria behind each of the major aspects:
Weekday: a composite of drivability, comfort, and economy, though the last part was less weighted because it’s most important for value. That said, the more you have to visit the pump the more inconvenient it is.
Weekend: a composite of sportiness and offroad. I debated weighing it in favour of offroad, but found that it was fairest to keep it equal as I didn’t really specify any bias in the brief.
Hauling: Mostly utility score, but also a product of overall low end torque, with bonus points for appropriate gearing and traction. Huge trays with underpowered engines were penalised. The benchmark assessment was how well the car performed if it weighed 1000kg more.
Value: correlated directly to the 10 year ownership projection
Oldskool: points given for how many years old it was. More points given for retro look and body.
I noticed that making a ute really sporty was a compromise, which made it difficult to maximise utility, unless the sportiness came from a fuck-off massive engine. Thus it seems that the recreational off-roader utes will have more attractive looking graphs. How this affects the judgement remains for me to know and for you to find out 
I’ll be back with the rest tomorrow.
14 Likes
Wait. Did my ute really got up to 300km/h top?
I know i have plenty of power, but i didn’t look at the top speed 
1 Like
yep, just broke 300km/h. It had like the 3rd highest top speed.
Lol okay. And that was after i ditched the 510hp version in the last few hours before submitting
You know. The normal cario trim
1 Like
ah, so what i made, inadvertently, was the best SUteV. has all the looks and status of a ute, but can’t haul shite.
I think i know why the car has not enough cooling. Not like it gonna make THAT much of a difference.
Well Avg. Rel is 70 but whatever.
I got a great reaction out of my submission!
1 Like
I just had to laugh at that one.[quote=“strop, post:7142, topic:6447”]
This is one of a handful of particular “what the actual fuck is this” entities.
[/quote]
and also that one…
ok ok I’m done quoting… I think you get the idea. Good posts lol
Anyway, I hope tesla gets the idea of what we were aiming for, pretty much a jack of all trades and master of none.
P.S. Blame automation scoring for the bitey front brakes, apparently it’s what’s favoured for off-roading.
Never before have I seen such a hilarious set of reviews than this - and it’s your best effort so far; keep up the good work!
And it seems that I erred too much on the side of comfort and economy for this round, but then again I made a competitor to an Falcon XR6/Commodore SV6 ute, not a higher-performance XR6 Turbo or SS (or even an FPV or HSV for that matter). The fact that I built my ute like a passenger car instead of a truck didn’t help either, but oh well.
4 Likes
That’s all the compliment I needed. I typically prefer a simpler look, but I’ve been having fun with the Sinistra brand and trying to broaden the horizons of the parts I choose.
Ironically, it didn’t look quite as good until I save-bugged the car and lost all the fixtures and had to redo them from scratch. Then decided, “hell with it, let’s add some front vents, some chrome strips, and a sunroof.”
As for the tiny wheels, yeah, didn’t know what would be reasonable, went with “Let’s not bulge the fenders in the back” as my deciding factor.
2 Likes
I know what you mean. It was a bit challenging to find a balance with wheels that would capable for off-road, on-road, sportiness, drivability and being able to haul stuff with while sticking to a relatively conservative budget.
what she will carry anyway? dog food maybe ?
metric ton of dog food for herself?
What the hell is wrong with you
8 Likes
- it’s been said in the brief even before the round was closed. CONCRETE BRICKS
- WHATSITOYOU what she wants to bring?
- do you even realise you’re insulting?
- just shut up if you have anything remotely relevant to say.
4 Likes
No need to be agitated bro, it’s not that serious. To be fair to Strop, he did mention that Tesla liked hauling things which can be quite heavy at times. Just be humble and try something else for the next round.
On a side note to everyone, hostility towards each other will only create more turmoil. Sometimes a situation can be easily resolved without insults.
1 Like
Same can be said to you, to be honest.
Moving on.
1 Like
Not sure where you’re coming from with as I’m quite sure I’ve never been in a conflict with you, nor have I ever tried to, but ok.