I half know Spanish… Shrimp of the-
wait… shrimp is camaron FUCK
EDIT: Google Translate is a wonderful, wonderful place…
3 Likes
Operation BIRD
(yes: they´re back…)
THE TEAM:
Frank Tonsom:
age: 56
interests: nothing really special… (may be filled if i have an idea)
personal vehicles: none (the WorkMateAir he had a few months ago was totaled in a car crash)
His boss is the reason Operation BIRD is even a thing. Being forced to be the head of this group and after the first mission in Sweden with limited success, relations with the other members are “meh”.
Tim Redwood:
age: 19
interests: Basketball; Music (not making it tho); playing around with tools
personal vehicles: recently aquired 1979 Anhultz Mimas 80
Redwood basically is the kiddo from next-door who´s sole purpose initially was keeping Tonsom´s agression at bay. Coincidentally, he also manages most of the repairs for the car, although highly dependant on others for instructions.
Connor:
age relative to being born: around three months
age relative to date of birth: -20 years
interests: none in particular, there are reasons
personal vehicles: none (not allowed to own one)
Connor has been sent to assist the others in getting the job done. He has the most knowledge of the three while also being the least emotional, at least at the start of this…
The car:
well…
just take a look a few posts above and there you go…
(might or might not be fucked up through lack of skill tho)
EDIT:
yep… i also took advantage of time travel. and since i am not the first to do so, i see no reason to not do it
8 Likes
Now available for you to drive in BeamNG:
https://www.beamng.com/resources/1989-pmi-merkur-a10-mk-iv-diesel.5375/
4 Likes
that backstory seems interesting considering “the mission” of my team…
Somewhere in the Amazon rainforest, Bolivia, 19:46PM. 25th August 2018.
16 Likes
Rental Wreckers
“Fucking shit, it’s hot out. Glad they brought our cars onto the shore, unlike in Bottom Gear.” Jake Storm said, glaring at the sky and giving the sun the finger. “Hope the Travette’s air-conditioning still works.”
“Well, it looks like it survived the trip all right.” Cody Acorne said, giving their former rental car a good last once-over. “Mufflers are still there, tires look okay, wing’s still attached. Looks like it’s still a three cylinder with EFI… Shame the engine fairy didn’t show up and give us a small block Chevy or something.”
“Hey, so we’re stuck with the tri-cylinder rattle-box, but we’ve got a 5 speed automatic and a solid rear axle. We’ll be fine.” Jake said, grinning. “Anyway, looks like we’re gonna get our supplies soon, they left notes under the wipers for each team. Say’s were allowed… One chainsaw, one machete, a box of bandaids per team member, so that’s two boxes of bandaids, a bottle of antiseptic, a…” Jake burst out laughing, then said, “A packet of viagra, and a packet of condoms.”
“You’ve not watched Bottom Gear’s Bolivia Special, have you?” Cody said, though was laughing along with Jake.
“I have, just it’s still funny to get the exact same stuff.” Jake replied, still laughing.
“Okay, so let’s go over the backup plans with our car before we meet the other teams. If the starter fails, well, Vheego has our back. She can be crank-started, the crank’s part of the tire-iron. If we drown the car, however, well, we’ve got lots of electronics that won’t do well with it…” Cody said.
“Stuff the ECU and TCU in a condom and stick 'em to the dashboard.” Jake said. “Gets 'em above the water line, mostly. And keep in mind, we need one of 'em for the gas cap. Else, we’re putting water in the gas, and while she might be Bi-Fuel compatible, the Travette’s engine won’t run on water. Only gasoline or E85.”
“Sounds like we’ll be okay, then. Tell me, are we crazy for trying this in a rear-wheel-drive?” Cody asked.
“Little bit, but that’s the fun part. We’ve got a lockable diff, and we’re going to push ourselves up every mountain with our mighty turbo inline 3.” Jake said.
“Glad you’re optimistic about our chances.” Cody replied. “C’mon, let’s go meet the other teams and look over their cars. After all, I checked social media at the airport before heading here, we’re not the lowest horsepower.”
“You’re fuckin’ joking.” Jake said, and his eyes went wide as Cody smiled and shook his head. “There’s people here with less than 100 horsepower?”
“Yeah, and one of 'em has a diesel with a higher redline than our ex-rental.” Cody replied. “C’mon, let’s go meet 'em.”
8 Likes
TEAM HILLBILLY ROLLERS
PRE-RACE PREPARATION
JANNE: Well, as the team leader, I see it as my duty to check everything out that we have recieved now…
First, we have a chainsaw…
MARIE: CAN WE CHOP THE ROOF OFF? PLEASE!
ANDREAS: It’s an asian tinfoil shitbox! It will bend in the middle if you roll down the windows too much!
JANNE: Then we have a machete…
ANDREAS: CAN I TRY IT? PLEASE!!!
JANNE: God damn it, you are exactly like a couple of pre-schoolers! Now, we have some band aids…
MARIE: YES! We are going to need them if Andreas is allowed to hold a machete for more than five seconds.
JANNE: And then some antiseptic…
MARIE: CAN I TASTE A SIP OF IT??? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
JANNE: NO!!!
MARIE: Go f… yourself…
JANNE: Speaking of f…, there is a packet of Viagra here too. Why?
ANDREAS: Yes, completely unnecessary! I mean, just look at our female team member! There’s not enough viagra in the world to keep it stiff while looking at her!
MARIE: AND WHO PUT A QUARTER INTO YOU?
JANNE: Bah, we can probably trade them for something more useful…moonshine or something. Like we can with the condoms…
ANDREAS: Yeah, or maybe Marie can give them to the next drunk loser that will follow her home? Ten of them and he MAY survive WITH his reproductive organ still in place. If he’s lucky…
To be continued…
8 Likes
25-08-18 - Midnight
Dear grandfather,It might have been due to Leo’s impetuousness, but I made it to the jungle. It’s not in Congo like to stories you told me when I was little, and you still with us. The area is wild here, as are the bugs. They have these fruits here that look aweful, but then whats inside is actually nuts. I am confused, but they taste nice. It seems to be their main job here, apart from some river fishing. The people appear pretty self-sufficient, but even here you can get all the soda and canned food you get back in Belgium.
I have confidence in the car I have bought us, it’s a Merkur. I am sure you would have agreed. I have confidence as well in Kenny to keep it running should something happen to it, and Leo is actually a good driver, if he doesn’t get blinded by the idea of those 3 million we might win. I don’t really care for that.
They gave us some equipment, useful stuff, also… pills to go high up into the mountains where the air is thin. That’s still far ahead of us. That chainsaw engine can be useful as well on its own I realise, Kenny can do wonders with all engines.
I carry this booklet on my chest, even if the heat. I trust my friends, but I will have to be strong in case anything goes wrong. My soft side is yours.
My toughts go to you.
Your Jantje.
12 Likes
Do I need a catalytic converter?
And also, does a lower drivability increase the odds of crashing, or does it just make you slower
Don’t Double post, the edit function exists for a reason
Psst… it’s spelled with one “n”… Canon Fodder. 
It’s a play on words. Because the car is not Canon (another word for Lore). And it works with also implying they’re going to die a horrible meaningless death.
Team Canon Fodder
Devon dropped the crate unceremoniously on the ground behind the Keystone rally coupe.
“Dude, what’s that?” Ollie inquired.
“Dunno. Some stuff these dudes from the race gave us. Check this out.” He grabbed the chainsaw from the top of the pile. “Alright. Cool. We can do some damage with this.”
“Whoa!” Ollie exclaimed, drawing the machete out. He took a couple wide swings with it, missing his partner’s ear by less than an inch.
“Bro!” Devon laughed. “Knock it off.”
“Whatevs,” Ollie replied, picking up the box of bandages. “Got it covered.”
Devon grabbed a box of condoms and the sample packets of Viagra from the bottom. “Whoa. They really want us to party, huh?”
Ollie laughed and clapped his companion on the shoulder. “Dude, the road’s not the only thing that’s going to be hard out here.”
Yes, they really are that dumb.
9 Likes
Aston's Orc Krew: The Arrival
The who’s who and car of the team
Bolivia… Another South-American land populated by far-too-large pits between fortune and death. It seems that the expression “things gone south” is cultural explanation by anyone who built their empires, at the cost of people who can’t fight back…
Jack: Hugh! Knock that crap off! I’m trying to check the sound system here! We gotta make our entrance properly, so get off your narrator ass and see if the car’s workin’.
Hugh: We can’t just drive into the area normally, kid?
Jack: No, we can’t. Sly! How’s the radio?
Sly: No problems… Sadly.
J: I heard that! Let’s go, awesomeness waits for no one. Play the music!
H: Shouldn’t we play this when the race starts?
S: Please don’t question him…! Lest we become local fauna…
J (after arriving at waiting point, slams door shut): Alright, the awesome ones have arrived. Let’s survey the mismash field of enhancement talent they call competitors…
S: Some pretty serious dudes here. Look at Old But Gold, Team Super Special, Team Run N Gun, Quicksilver… They’re all bringing out legit offroaders. We should look out for them.
H: Did you say Run N Gun!?
S: Er… yes. What got into you all of a sudden, Hugh?
H: It’s nothing. Ben… your loved ones are gone, and yet you still risk yourself on these life-and-death situations? I guess I can contact Langley and confirm your entry, at least. They should forward that info without problem…
S: Alright. Jack, have you seen Rental Wreckers?
J: What about’em…?
S: Well, they look experienced.
J: You kiddin’ me? Their car looks like a rental who made a wrong turn at Albuquerque and drove straight through AutoZone. I’d be more worried about their credit card’s limit. (sees member of the race’s organization coming his way) Somethin’ wrong, Poindexter?
The member says nothing, handing out the entrant kit to the team instead and going away
J: What’s this? Ah, chainsaw and machete; the cutting couple of my dreams. Plus some PG health crap, because they don’t know my body is healthy as frick and… one packet of condoms?
S: What, not enough for you?
J: You’re kiddin’ me!? These are unnecessary weight! By the time this race is over I will make enough tribe offsprings to overthrow the government. Aston Manual, Chapter #69: a single child is your family, multiple ones is your royal family.
Jack overhears a conversation between the two organization members, and suddenly grins from ear to ear.
H: You real proud of that one huh, kid?
J: Nah, that ain’t it. Those guys are saying one team’s missin’.
S: But I read the official spotters guide! The teams there are all accounted for. You don’t mean… the organizers…?
J: Heh… forget the roof. Once I’m all set and done, even space won’t be far enough for our ratings to break through.
To Be Continued!
7 Likes
Team Bibimbap Part 0
Park: Look, we have to be covert, this is an important mission for us, we need to win.
Li: Of course, for the glory of…
Park: Don’t say it now! Others might catch on to us.
Li: Right, of course. I’ll try to keep my mouth shut. Anyways want to put on the stereo?
Park: Sure, just make sure you don’t use “that” CD
Li: This one?
Park: Yes. Dont. Use. It. Literally use anything else.
Li: Alright then, puts a CD into the CD player
Park: SHUT IT OFF! We cant afford to compromise this mission. Jesus, who packed our stuff?
Li: The government of course.
Park: Brilliant…
13 Likes
got caught…
Redwood was a dumbfuck
time was short and we had to get a last minute car going…
there is the reason for our delay…
we´ll be there
4 Likes
Old But Gold Chapter 1 - Prologue
*19:32; 25th August 2018
Richard, Susan and the Tobotar Outlander 4x4 arrive at the staring line via a local boat operator. After reaching solid soil with their car, they inspect the trunk and check if nothing went missing on the way there.
Richard: „Interesting… At least everything seems to be in place… thought the local dumbfucks might steal off my chrome mirror…“
*Richard walks around the car, still making sure everything is there
Susan: [screaming] „RICHAARRD! THERE ARE SPIDERS EVERYWHERE!!! AND EVERYTHING IS DIRTY AND LOUD AND WAAAAAHHH!!!“
*swats around furiously for the countless insects around her
Richard: [laughing] „Calm down honey, well get through this.“
*takes off his jacket and hands it to Susan as a „protective move“
Susan: [nervous af] „Thanks…“
Richard: „No problem, honey… there should be some crate guy arriving soon. Watch out for him.“
*ten-ish minutes later
Some boat arrives with two men and a load of identical crates. One of them places one of the crates in front of the Tobotar, then he walks off.
Richard: [angrily; louder than normal] „THANK YOU. asshole…“
(Richard expected some more politeness from the crate-guy)
Susan: *giggles
Richard opens the crate and both members look into it. Susan sees the viagra and the condoms and breaks out into a hefty laugh.
Susan: [still laughing] „Didn´t expect them to… *breath Know you will need those… *breath“
*Richard smashes the crate with his fist leaving a crack in it.
Richard: „SHUT THE FUCK UP, SUSAN!“
…
Richard: „Well… sad thing is… they´re right… Now stay quiet and help me get this stuff into the car“
*Susan, still not fully recovered from her laugh helps Richard get the stuff into the car.
To Be Continued
11 Likes
Team Valhalla
The Immortal was Silent, this song playing out of the improvised music system quite loudly
“Immortal! We are not Alone in the Coffin of Fate!” Cried The Buzzard from the roof. The Coffin was parked close to the rivers edge. Buzzard climbs in through the window to where The Challenger was seated.
“Oh, Challenger, I did not realise you were seated.”
“Get back to your perch, Buzzard.” With that, Buzzard Clambered back into the rear seats of the VanBuren,
Immortal watched as other teams moved around. He adjusted his Headgear, and moved to step out of the car.
“Buzzard, with me. Challenger, watch the Coffin, we’re going to scope out the rest of the teams.” Immortal began to move toward the other teams, his ornate clothing, catching in the wind, the upper part of his face visible. Buzzard followed behind, his Gas Mask painted black with a silver smile, and his spiked strappings sparkling in the sun.
“Buzzard, we’re going to make an impression upon these degenerates.”
8 Likes
Jack: Look at all these damm impersonators coming out with theme songs… We did it first, copy-pasters! (shakes fist) And we did it coole… did I seriously just hear someone coming out to the North Korean anthem?
Sly: Oh, that was Team Bibimbap.
Jack: Ok so dudes are racin’ with a small city car and use Korean anthems… They’re upholding Bottom Gear’s spirit, alright. Not everyone is this anti-PG crazy. New target acquired!
Oh Redwood, you tease. For a second I thought Mr. Computah would show up with some super-secret offroad Terradyne Gurkha to off us all, what a relief. 
But I know the feeling, I wouldn’t want to deal with angry serious Tonsom all the time either. And he’s like that all the time!
7 Likes
Team Brazillia!!!
20 August, 2018 Rio De Janeiro
Silva: What’s this? A TSR Kishita for sale? Meh, I’ll pass. I need a better one for the Great Automation Run. Wait… Why does it have a body kit on? Let me just check…
Checking the car
Silva: Seems to be the Sport version heh… Why is it missing its side skirts and diffuser? Exhaust is also in the wrong place.
Seller: Hi!
Silva: Hi! Can I buy this car?
Seller: Sure! I can sell it to you for $14969 if you want…
Silva: That’s a bit much…
Seller: It’s AWD and it is in good condition.
Silva: Oh! No wonder. Sure!
Gives the money
Silva: Thank you!
30 minutes later in the garage
Silva: Man! It’s so hot in the garage again! I better order some parts for this car.
The next day
Silva: Parts are here! Let’s see… a 6 speed sequential gearbox, a locking diff, brand new off-road tires, an offroad skidtray, mudflaps, mesh wires, roof rack and a V6 from the base model 1st gen Taikan. Let’s install these!
The next day again…
Silva: This is looking great! Now let’s just sell the back seats, manual transmission and the old tires. And now, let’s see how much money I have left from my $18000 budget… Hmmmmmmmm… I only have $2251 left. I’m very lonely. I need someone…
One of his friend was in his house
Silva: I know who… James!!!
James: I’m here!!!
Silva: Come here!
James: Ok!
After James came down to the garage
James: Silva, what do you want?
Silva: You’re a good driver right?
James: I can go-kart well, yeah…
Silva: Let’s go to the Great Automation Run in Bolivia.
James: What?! No!!! I don’t want to die. The roads there are stupid dangerous.
Silva: Believe me! You will have the best vacation in your life! Hahahahahahahaha!!!
In conlusion…
Driver: Silva Rodriguez
Co-driver: James Gagnon
Car: TSR Kishita Sport AWD
Budget left: $2251
10 Likes
Operation BIRD; Prologue I
roughly a week before the race
Tonsom´s phone is ringing. Redwood is on the other end.
Tonsom: “Hello?”
Redwood: “Yeah… it´s me, Tim…”
Tonsom: “Don´t ya tell me something went wrong…”
Redwood sets the phone to video-chat and points the front camera at the car.
Redwood: “I got sideswiped by a street-racing redneck… That bumper is his…”
Tonsom: “Well… you got us into this, you get us out.”
Redwood: “At least some luck is there… Remember the Mimas i bought like a week ago?”
Tonsom: “Proceed…”
Redwood: “Well… i did some mods to it for mechanic practice and stuff… and it went off-road-ish…”
Tonsom: “Soo… we gonna use yours?”
Redwood: “Well… I have to get us out of that knee-deep shit… so i did… here we go, we´re using my car.”
Tonsom: “Well… true words… BUT Try to get it to the start line without Connor knowing it. Have an idea.”
Redwood: “Erm… okay…”
Beep beep beep
to be continued
EDIT:
here is a full accident view
13 Likes