Found in the trash-can in Luke Sinistra’s office, just after telling the employee who wrote it to go clean out his desk and leave the property.
So, you’ve just turned 65 and you’re looking forward to retirement? We’ve got the perfect car for you at Sinistra Motors. Meet your new car!
This is the new-for-2009 Sinistra Traville GL-3900. It screams, “I’ve retired, and I’m someone who doesn’t care about what I drive.” Painted in Sinistra’s classic “Frost White” only because “‘I Can’t Find My Car In The F—ing Parking Lot’ White” was already taken by Bricksley American Motor Vehicles.
Because we know you’re getting older, we’ve given this car plenty of things to call back to your youth. There’s a nice 5 speed automatic designed to feel like the classic 3 speed you probably had as a teenager. The radio is a simple four-speaker system with knobs and buttons because “technology is too hard.” It’s front-wheel-drive like all Sinistra Motors vehicles from 1951 onwards, using our trusty Sidewinder transverse-transaxle technology, guaranteed to break down 15,000 miles past the warranty, not that you’ll be the one worrying about that.
We’ve paired that Sidewinder transaxle with the Sinistra 3.9L V6 Sidewinder LC engine. Because we know you’ll do most of your driving by idling around in first gear, confused about where you’re going, we decided not to bother putting the VVL system in. We’ve given you 140 horsepower, even though you’ll never actually use it, and muffled up the engine so that you can still hear everyone else’s noisy rap music even with your hearing aids turned off.
The interior is a mix of classic plastic, Beige cloth, and our patented Rental Gray cloth. This is for your comfort, because you should be able to drive off into the sunset in “style” as you run over the curbs and drive on the sidewalk to get to the golf course. We’ve installed a rear-view reverse camera, not that you’ll ever use it. However, everyone else will appreciate that your insurance company will have hard evidence against you for driving by Braille. Unfortunately for the rest of the world, backup beepers are only optional equipment.
So, come on down to your local Sinistra dealership and throw down $29,100 for the Traville GL-3900. It’ll outlive your ability to drive, and your grand-son or grand-daughter will hate you for it when they inherit this car on their 16th birthday. What a great bargain, a car for two people at the price of one! Plus, at least your grand-child will be able to live in the spacious back-seat after they get their degree in Fine Art at the local community college.
(OOC: Yes, this is meant to be 100% satire. It’s from the perspective of a disgruntled employee who had to make an “exciting” ad for the '09 Sinistra Traville. In lore, the Traville is favored by older people looking for a good car at a decent price, but not looking for something sporty. Unfortunately, that’s given the Traville a reputation as an “old man car” and, as one could imagine, someone given the task of marketing this un-sporty blob to the masses just sort of… snapped. Consider this someone’s resignation letter, because shortly after it crossed Luke’s desk, someone left the company permanently. Also, while internally, the gray cloth is called “Rental Gray” around Sinistra Motors, it is never supposed to be called that in front of potential customers. There, it’s always recommended to call it “Sinistra Mid-Gray” or “Carpet Gray.” And yes, Bricksley does have a color called “I Can’t Find My Car In The Parking Lot White.” It does not, however, contain profanity. It’s exclusively used on rental cars.)
