Finals Here we goooooo
Dan stops at the first dealer on his Checklist. New County Adojin, demanding to see a car just like the one in the picture. Which, conveniently, they have on hand. He takes it out for a test drive.
“Just like the one in the picture, this thing looks great. I’ll be drivin ‘round and everyone will be thinkin’ I’m David Hasselhoff!”
He mashes the throttle at a red light.
“Wow… this thing is a fuckin dog off the line… It’s still not changed up from first? Let me give it a bit more go juice… 20, 30, 40MPH and the thing’s still in first gear! Holy shit! It JUST changed up at 50?! The Fuck do I even need 4 gears for when I can cruise on the highway with 2?!”
He eases off to let the autobox settle to highway speeds.
“Well, the interior is very well built… nice materials, but it don’t got a cassette player!”
He tries the handling on a roundabout.
“Yeah, it holds the road all well and good. The tires are great, whatever the hell they are. But this dang slushbox spoils all the fun. I’m only goin round here at 25mph, and when I get straight, I’m back down low in the rev range and I need to floor it to feel anythin.’ I ain’t no power snob, but this thing is a dog at low speeds, and it feels like this 6 makes no torque even though I know that ain’t true.”
Dan returns to the Adojin dealer, tells them he’ll ‘think it over’ and continues on his way…
Dan’s next stop is Hendrick CMW. He thinks to himself that this dealer has been here since the war… and that all CMWs look the same, except some are bigger. He can’t remember the name of the particular model he wants to drive, so points out the ad he saw. He is presented with a YR160e.Dan’s next stop is Hendrick CMW. He thinks to himself that this dealer has been here since the war… and that all CMWs look the same, except some are bigger. He can’t remember the name of the particular model he wants to drive, so points out the ad he saw. He is presented with a YR160e.
“Hmm, a manual? Well, I can drive stick, even if it is a lil’ ol’ school.”
He pulls out of the dealer with a little wheelspin.
“This thing is nice and muscly. Feels kinda American to be honest… Nice and big, with a healthy dose of torque. The steering is a bit heavy. The interior just ain’t as nice as the Aruna. That’s what happens when you’re commie motor works I guess. It does got a cassette player tho so that’s all well n’ good.”
Dan punches it in 2nd down an empty road.
“Yeah, the torque is really nice, and the gears aren’t too long either. It rides a bit firmer than I’m used ta’, but I guess most of these new imports do. The brakes are really cushiony… I gotta push em a long time before I get bite back. I’m used ta’ drivin ol’ boats, so that don’ bother me too much. Overall, I feel like this CM-doub-ya is like the love child of a sports coupe and a big ol’ ‘Murican boat. The reliability records are pretty decent, and it’s a lot of car for the money. I’ll keep It in mind.”
Dan returns the CMW to the dealer, and continues on his way.
Dan’s next stop is Armory Deer&Hunt, and he can spot the car he wants to drive right away. The Burgundy SuperCoupe. It’s parked on a fancy stand with about 10 American Flags in front of it. He takes it out for a test drive.
“This thing just feels… classic. In the right way. Tons o’ torque, ya punch it and this thing just goes. The autobox is nice and smooth, the gears are just about average length. Good for cruisin.’ I can sure hear this more, which I dunno if I like or not. Makes me feel like I’m drivin an ol’ muscle car though. The interior is nice. Better than the CMW but not as good as the Aruna. It also ain’t got a cassette player… That’s one bit that I wish they hadn’t kept classic. It rides pretty damn firm too. I’m sure that makes It handle the road all nice n’ shit, but I just don’ see myself pushin’ er that hard. Kinda thirsty too. I do like the classic feel of live axle though. As I thought, the reliability records just don’t seem to be what the imports are puttin’ out. Sure is better than the Ol’ cars though. I’ll keep in mind. It’s the safe bet. This is true blue one.”
Dan returns the SuperCoupe to the dealer and continues on his way.
Dan’s next stop is Mint Hill Arlen. Seems like a smaller place, and They have one Sentinel Pinnacle on display. He takes it for a test drive.
“This reminds me of somethin’ from the 70s… not entirely in a bad way. Feels like suttin’ boss hog would drive. The interior is insane, with real wood on the dash, plush leather seats, and a bangin’ cassette player. The full sized rear bench does eat into a lot of that room though… but fo’ sure This is nicer than my ol’ trailer!”
Dan gives it the beans.
“hurrghh… The power just… drops off so much after 5 grand. The engine n’ autobox feel like they’re doin’ their best to move this thing, but it’s a big ol’ luxury coupe and it’s strugglin.’ Just don’t feel as luxurious as the interior.”
“I notice the ABS in this thing too. That’s nice. But those systems tend to go wrong, and combined with all the fancy gyzmos n’ shit in this interior, and this thing is just a big ol’ service bill waitin’ to happen. This thing only comes with a 1 year comprehensive warranty, and a 3 year powertrain warranty. It’s cheap luxury for sure, but it’s got the service costs of real luxury.”
Dan returns the Sentinel to the dealer.
Dan’s next stop is Woodford Green Washington. He’s not sure why, but this feels like a place they’d sell snake oil. He also notes how it’s also mostly old people looking at these cars. He gets in a brown Washington with a Landau top, which there seems to be a few of.
“The Wire wheels look nice… Oh, they’re not real. Well they look close enough.”
He takes off.
“This thin’ hides it’s size pretty decent, in that it feels pretty big on the inside, but there ain’t no gettin’ round the fact that this is a small car. Plus, while there’s leather seats, it kinda feels like half the switches in this interior are from other cars… and ain’t no way in hell that wood is real. I like seein the hood ornament though.”
“The V6 is aight’ at movin this thing. It don’t make much power. I think it’s from some Japanese thing, but this ain’t a big car so it moves. The 3 speed feels like beef and broccoli. Safe and predictable, but ain’t ideal.”
“Overall, this car’s strengths are its reliability records, and it’s low cost compared to its decent luxury. Good value for a luxury car no doubt but I feel like if I buy one I’ma start eatin Werther’s Originals so there’s that to keep in mind… I’ll keep it on the back burner.”
Dan returns the Washington to the dealer.
Dan’s next stop is a specialty dealer. Highland Creek imports. Who specialize In exotics, like the Milano GTB Integrale. The place is filled to the ceiling with smoke. But Dan can’t tell if that’s from the people smoking, or from the cars. The beautiful, blue GTB awaits him. He pulls out eagerly.
“God, this thing is FAST. Holy FUCK. It’s pretty damn tricky off the line thanks to All them wheels bein drivin. I think it works like a truck, but the sales folks’ tell me it’s a lot more complex. The throttle response is INSANE. Put yer foot down and it just hauls ass. And I can hear the intake through the front! Just like an ol’ carbureted car! I’m revving this thin’ out to 6 and a alf’ grand and it’s takin’ it like a champ.”
Dan takes a bit to slow down…
“Alright… damn, this thing gets the blood goin.’ I dunno if I could own this thing and drive it normally every day… My license would prolly’ get taken first. It rides a bit firm, but not nearly what I was expectin’ for a sporty coupe like this. I think they said it’s good for offroad racin? Like the kind where people plow over the spectators and do 20 foot jumps? Yeah, don’t think I’ll be doin that. The interior is aight. It’s got a cassette player, and 4 full seats. The backs look a bit small, but I can live with that, it ain’t me ridin back there anyways.”
“I’m feelin like this is just as much a lifestyle as it is a car… If I buy this, I’ma prolly have to buy leather gloves next, change my name to somethin’ unpronounceable. Like ‘Antonio’ and start smokin cigars. Sure as hell is good to drive though. I’d be makin’ lots o’ sacrifices to make this happen… And it’s Italian. You know what they say ‘bout Italian cars. Fix It Again Tony. I’ll keep it in mind.”
Dan’s next stop is a new dealer in Belmont, suspiciously lacking in directories, but with a surprising sized fleet of identical looking black luxury sedans. Dan’s not sure what the flag on the wall is. It’s either Vietnam, or that place where the President’s team is playing Ping Pong. Since he thought the car was Japanese before coming here he decides it best to not bring it up.
The dealer hands him the keys to a BF766. He takes about 5 minutes looking for the right one since they all look so similar before getting in and going off.
“That was a little weird… could’ve sworn this thing was Japanese before I came here. Anways… The car. Feels pretty damn imposing to be honest. I like it. The chrome works pretty well with the black. I feel Like every time I go round the corner, every homeless person is gettin’ out their wallets, hopin I ain’t gonna break their kneecaps. I dunno why it needs two antennas on the front though. Weird. Wonder what goes there?”
Dan rolls on the throttle.
“Yeah… this ain’t a performance machine, and it shows. Performance is fine and it ain’t no more and I can appreciate that. The gearbox is smooth, and it’s a 4 speed auto which I can get behind. The interior is pretty good. It’s got a cassette player, and pretty solid materials. Can’t complain there. The steering is nice and light though… Pretty damn relaxin. I’m noticin’ this thing is pretty damn thirsty though. Less than 17MPG? Livable but ain’t exactly ideal. It rides really good though. Very soft, floaty almost. The reliability records are great, as I thought these Asian imports would do. Full warranty ain’t too expensive either, and the overall price is a pretty damn good deal too. As far as bargains for luxury I’d say this is right up there with the best of em. It’s pretty reliable too, which was exactly what I was lookin for. Downsides are that it’s more thirsty than I’d like, it’s a little low on power, and it’s from that it might be from Vietnam. If I can get over those, this would certainly be tempting.”
Dan returns the Honghu to the dealer.
Dan’s next stop is Statesville Aria. He immediately looks for the Kazuo. He likes the modern architecture of this place, but it feels a bit too 1984 to him. Unfortunately the Beige is the only color Kazuo they have present, so he takes that for a test drive.
“Already this thing feels… high strung. I dunno if I like that. It certainly feels quick… 0-60 in 7.6 seconds? Yeah this thing hauls ass. The steering is really touchy though. Kinda hard to keep it centered in lane. The interior is very focused. Kinda feel like it’s for somebody ‘lot younger than me, but if that’s the case, why ain’t it got a cassette player? The full rear bench is nice, but it definitely eats into the front room.”
Dan tries going round a roundabout, but gets a bit of oversteer! Luckily he manages to hold it.
“WOAH! Shit, this thing is touchy! Didn’t feel like I was pushin it that hard! Yeah this thing’s got some serious edge…”
After a bit, he looks over the reliability records.
“Oh shit… this thing is… had its fair share of recalls. Yeah, it sure uses a lotta experimental tech, but the downside of all them fancy doodads and gyzmos is this. It’d sure be a risk to own sometin like this. That said it’s really a hardcore thing on the cutting edge of performance…”
Dan returns the Aria to the dealer.
Dan’s next stop is Mallard Creek Tanaka, where they boldly display the “US EXCLUSIVE” Crezta. Dan likes that they serve free coffee here. He takes a black Crezta out for a drive.
“The first thing I’m notin’ here is a general lack of oomph. This is a fairly light thing compared to the other big sedans I’ve tested, and it’s not down on power… I wonder why it feels slower. Might be the smaller engine makes less torque. I can hear the engine though, like this is a performance car. Kinda odd actually… It’s not like this is tryin’a be a sports car in many other ways. But it’s nice to hear I guess. It rides a little firm, even compared to some of the other ones I’ve tested ‘ere. The interior is the big wow factor though. Super luxurious in here! Like a 4 star hotel! Yeah, I could get used to drivin this ‘every day. Downside bein, it’s prolly the most expensive car I’ll test today… And even though it’s Japanese, the reliability records just aren’t there like some of the other ones. But it sure as hell does make me feel rich…”
Dan returns the Crezta to the dealer.
Dan’s next stop is Morehead ACA, right next to the Charolette Motorspeedway. Dan remembers this as the same place he bought his old Chevalier. The staff is still the same too. They’re getting old. But then again, so is he. He takes a white Traveller out for a test drive.
“Yep… Good Ol’ ACA. Everythin in here feels nice n’ familiar. High quality, unlike those Ping Pong cars and Commie Motor Works. Reminds me of the good ol’ days… The front wheels bein the one drivin ain’t remindin me of the good ol’ days tho! Bah… must be part of that dumb deal with the Frenchies. Gaadamn muthafukin cheese eatin’ surrender monkeys ruinin’ this country lemme tell ya.”
“The V6 feels a bit underpowered ere.’ It’s tryin but this big Ol’ Slice of Americana is just a tough thing to move. It’s a bit loud too. The car itself feels very familiar and predictable to move. Live Axle, just like the good ol’ days. It’s a small thing but I like how big the trunk is too. Most companies overlook that.”
“The steering is very light… Nice and easy to drive, but on the highway I’m noticin’ it gets a little hard to stay in the lane. Just like an old ‘murican car. Fuel economy is better than average. Reliability records are far better than before. ACA have really stepped up their game to meet the challenge of the Imports. It’s a little pricier than the imports, but If I find it worth it, I could certainly make it. It’s a bit underpowered for it’s size, and doesn’t ride as nice as these new imports, but it sure would be nice to be back in an ACA…”
Dan returns the car to the dealer.
(yeah yeah i know this is only 10/17 of the entries. I had time to these, I’ll finish the rest ASAP promise k thnx bye)
, but this is like one of those 2-part Saturday morning cartoons. “WHAT?! I have to wait a week to find out if the good guys won again?!”