Meanwhile …
5 Likes
Man, this competition backstory would’ve made for a fantastic war movie. I can already imagine Steve Mcqueen, running away from Olaf’s army in an old pickup, carrying nothing but grenade boxes and a prayer… I’d call it “Freedom Gone South”!
Also, never trust a miiltary man named Olaf. I would be saying “lesson learned”, but this guy taught me that beforehand;
10 Likes
The submission deadline for CSR 73 has now passed. Thank you all for submitting your offroaders; I have received a total of 29 submissions.
It’s going to take me a while to go through and finish scoring the remaining entries. The first batch of results should be up sometime tomorrow, all things being equal.
16 Likes
January 29th, 1986
“So you don’t have a problem that I brought Colonel South on for PUBCRAWL, Director?” Jim Franks spoke over the phone.
“Well, it’s your call, Franks,” Director Knight said, “I just find it a little odd that PUBCRAWL would attract attention from the National Security Council like this. It makes me wonder if there’s something bigger being planned…I’m going to place some phone calls, see if I can dig anything up; I hate being out of the loop like this!”
“That makes two of us, Director. Anything else?” Franks replied.
“Not at this time. I look forward to your report.” With that, Director Knight hung up the phone and Franks sat back in his chair.
“Knight’s approved South’s appointment to the team, Domingo,” Franks said as he fished around for a cigarette in the packet he had stuffed in the breast pocket of his shirt. “While I’m not keen on the idea of South hovering over us, it should make things a little easier for us in the long run.”
“I hope so, boss,” Domingo replied, “we’ve got a big job ahead of us here; Tech’s going through the proposals right now and evaluating them. We got nearly thirty vehicles when all was said and done!”
“Nearly thirty? Wow, that’s more than I was expecting! We’re going to be putting overtime in on this one, I can guarantee you that much.” Franks exclaimed.
“How many are we going to take out to BLIZZARD for demonstration and evaluation, boss?” Domingo asked.
“I figure we can narrow it down to seven or eight final candidates for DEMEVAL, depending on what Tech comes up with.” Franks mused to himself, shivering a little as he thought of BLIZZARD, the GCID’s secret test facility, on a high, remote plain in the Gasmean Alps. “The sooner we get this over with the better, if you ask me…”
12 Likes
Hmmmmmmmm…! This cursed Olaf really is Blue Moon’s Olaf, isn’t he? Darn it, I made a car for General Santa…! I can have some solace in that, as long as he doesn’t try to sit on the Nash…
2 Likes
EVIDENCE A: AUDIO TRANSCRIPT OF PUBCRAWL CANDIDATE EVALUATION, 20 FEB 1986
EVIDENCE B: PUBCRAWL PROCUREMENT CANDIDATE VEHICLE REPORT, GCID TECH DIVISION
JF: FRANKS, JAMES; GCID HEAD OF ARCHANA OFFICE
OS: SOUTH, OLAF; GASMEA NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL MEMBER (INTELLIGENCE)
DS: SUAREZ, DOMINGO: LEAD ANALYST, ARCHANA OFFICE
======TOP SECRET======
PUBCRAWL Procurement Candidate Vehicle Report, GCID Technical Division
Sinistra Serenade LC-2600
Offroad-adapted five-seat sedan
PROS: Very low cost, small footprint and weight
CONS: Struggles off-road, poor reliability, would be difficult to adapt to certain roles
JF: “Well, this is one definitely comes from left field…I didn’t think I’d see a sedan in this group.”
OS: “It’s incredibly cheap, which is a huge plus in my mind, plus its compact size could be a benefit on those mountain tracks and in urban areas, but, it’s not particularly reliable, and that sedan body would have to be cut up pretty badly if they’re going to fit offensive weapons to it.”
DS: “Tech says that it struggled in the offroad course, I’m not so sure about this one. What do you figure, boss?”
JF: “Hmm, let’s keep it in mind for our final evaluation, shall we?”
DS: “I’d say it’s not worth it.”
RESULT: DECLINED
TSR Fallwing Presidential Package-A
PROS: Practical, versatile vehicle, styling favorable to CROSSWORD
CONS: Poor fuel economy on 91 fuel, struggles offroad, expensive and unreliable
JF: “Another sedan? This one definitely looks the part of its name - it’s less appropriate for the DLF regulars and more for CROSSWORD’s personal vehicle, wouldn’t you think?”
DS: “Yeah, it’s looks are the only thing going for it, otherwise it’s a total dog.”
RESULT: DECLINED
MUD Ouray DLF 2.5
PROS: Good fuel economy on LQ fuel, very easy to drive
CONS: Very large, below average offroad abilities
OS: “I’ve never heard of MUD before, but this one looks the part if you ask me - I can definitely see a TOW missile launcher on the back of this truck.”
DS: “Yeah but have a look at that picture, the thing’s enormous, and according to Tech it’s so big it would need to be slung-loaded by a helicopter. Not ideal.”
JF: “It does reasonably well otherwise, let’s hold on to it.”
RESULT: SEND TO FINAL DEMEVAL
Keika Trek
PROS: Very small footprint and weight, excellent fuel economy on LQ fuel, easy to drive
CONS: Below-average reliability, small size reduces vehicle utility, potentially very unsafe
DS: “This one is small and tenacious-looking, plus it has decent fuel economy on that low-quality Archanan swill, a real plus!”
JF: “Well yeah, but according to this it’s very unsafe - we’re sending these guys off to fight for their independence, not to die in motor vehicle accidents!”
OS: “I’m not keen on it either to be honest.”
DS: “Why’s that, South?”
OS: “I have my reasons”
RESULT: FAILED DUE TO NON-COMPLIANCE
FRE Lyon 4x4
PROS: Excellent reliability, excellent fuel economy on LQ fuel, easy to drive, small footprint and lightweight
CONS: Below-average offroad abilities, expensive and complicated chassis
JF: “FRE, that’s the company that makes all those cars and wagons you see all over BFE Africa, right?”
OS: “Yeah, the very same, so it won’t arouse much attention in Archana, Lyons are common out there, if the news is to be believed. Too bad they’re basically made by communists!”
JF: “Hang on a second, Tech put a note on this about the Lyon’s chassis – “does not comply with design brief”. I don’t like the sound of it one bit.”
DS: “Into the bin then?”
RESULT: FAILED DUE TO NON-COMPLIANCE
Neko TsuYoi USDM
PROS: Excellent fuel economy, good footprint and weight, surprisingly comfortable, better than average op costs
CONS: Expensive, runs on 91 fuel, poor flexibility, struggles off-road
JF: “Well, this one looks sharp, compared to the others. Nice and compact too.”
DS: “Yeah, well it also cost more than just about every other vehicle here, plus it’s pretty bad off-road too.”
OS: “Not my choice either, since I’ll never be able to convince those inscrutable – “
RESULT: DECLINED
ATI-25 (Military Issue)
PROS: Cheap to purchase and run, very versatile
CONS: Poor fuel economy, extremely loud, very poor off-road
DS: “Says here that the ATI-25 is among the cheapest of all the vehicles that Tech was given as part of their evaluation. That’s got to count for something.”
OS: “They’re an Archanan company, I don’t trust them, not one bit.”
JF: “Their sales team made a pretty impassioned pitch for these, but I’m inclined to agree, they’re cheap, but there’s a reason they’re cheap – just not a capable vehicle. And they put two Tech analysts on long-term disability for hearing loss…”
RESULT: FAILED DUE TO NON-COMPLIANCE
FAAL C1900 (Army Spec)
PROS: Very reliable, extremely versatile, very safe
CONS: Expensive, large footprint and weight, high operating cost
JF: “If I see another fucking FAAL ad in my mailbox, or in the subway station, I’m going to arrange for their marketing head to be thrown into some deep, dark hole. It’s a decent vehicle otherwise.”
OS: “I’ve also heard that they’re in bed with French intelligence too – those baguette-benders are up to something. It’s expensive and way too big, so we at least have some plausible deniability.”
DS: “You’re seeing ghosts, South. It’s a perfectly fine vehicle – the van body makes it perfect for a lot of the missions it will be doing.”
OS: “You think I’m seeing ghosts? Son, you keep talking like that and the only ghost I’ll be seeing is your career!”
RESULT: DECLINED
IP Brigadeer 2000 Uti-Lite Pro 4x4
PROS: Excellent off-road, very flexible
CONS: Extremely large, runs on 91 fuel, not easy to drive
OS: “Now that’s a truck I can get behind. Just look at it; it’s all tough and rugged, with an imposing presence.”
DS: “Yeah, imposing alright…more to the pilots of our choppers, trying to lift this tank out of a scorching hot mountain pass. Plus, it’s going to need regular fuel, so they might end up parked right when we need them the most.”
JF: “Yeah, I’m not keen on it either.”
OS:
RESULT: DECLINED
DAAG LMW
PROS: Very flexible and versatile, rugged looks, good off-road, comfortable
CONS: High running cost, heavier than average
JF: “It looks tough, and it is tough, from the sounds of this report. I guess that’s what all this extra weight is good for…”
DS: “Good off-road and comfortable, but these running cost projections are worrisome.”
OS: “You can’t trust the Krauts to make a good vehicle these days anyway. My new Mercedes has been nothing but trouble since I bought it, this thing will be no different!”
JF: “How can you afford a new Mercedes, South?”
RESULT: DECLINED
CSM Nash S-F
PROS: Cheap, compact and lightweight, easy to drive
CONS: Struggles off road, below average reliability
OS: “Not sure I like the way this one looks.”
DS: “It’s cheap and small, which are huge bonuses, though.”
JF: “Yeah, but it’s terrible off-road, which, need I remind you all, is one of the key criteria in our specification?”
RESULT: DECLINED
Epoch M40 Crow Edition
PROS: Excellent fuel economy, looks tough and rugged, very versatile
CONS: Only runs on 91 fuel, engine is very complicated, possibly overengineered
DS: “This one is one of my favourites overall, I would have to say. Too bad about the regular fuel though.”
OS: “What’s that about being overengineered?”
JF: “Yeah I’m just reading through the appendices from Tech, and they are not keen on how overengineered the engine in this truck is. I’m cutting this one.”
RESULT: FAILED DUE TO NON-COMPLIANCE
Bogliq Cargostar Nomad
PROS: Very safe, hugely flexible, good off-road
CONS: Very large and heavy, not easy to drive, poor fuel economy
OS: “I know the people down at Bogliq USA; they’re good folks, willing to cut us a deal on these things.”
JF: “This thing is enormous! It’s so large it would be out of place on our roads, let alone some dirt track in the Archanan mountains! Forget it!”
DS: “Yeah, I’m inclined to agree with you, Jim, it’s too much vehicle.”
RESULT: DECLINED
ZAR 2616 Export
PROS: scores well in many categories, very good off-road
CONS: above average cost, larger than average, below average safety
JF: “These ZARs are everywhere in the third-world. It would certainly blend in, even if it is kind of too big for what we’re looking for here.”
DS: “It’s expensive too, and only just barely meets the vehicle safety guidelines.”
OS: “I’ve never dealt with ZAR before, hell, until now I never even knew those trucks were made by a company called ZAR!”
DS: “That’s beside the point, South, if they can deliver, we’ll give them a fair shake.”
RESULT: SEND TO FINAL DEMEVAL
LPE Issigonis Rebel
PROS: Extremely cheap, compact and lightweight, excellent fuel economy
CONS: Below-average reliability, poor off-road
DS: “This is some kind of fucking joke from Tech Division, right?”
JF: “Hang on, I’m calling them right now to fi – hey, this is Franks at Archana…this report you sent us on the PUBCRAWL candidates, what in the hell were you…”
RESULT: DECLINED
RM Skipper DS
PROS: Compact and lightweight, very comfortable
CONS: poor reliability, below average fuel economy, high operating costs
JF: “That definitely looks the part, but it just doesn’t score all that well, plus it drinks fuel like a sailor guzzles beer on shore leave.”
DS: “No arguments there, boss. Kind of a wonder how a small truck like that can burn so much fuel.”
RESULT: DECLINED
DLF-1
PROS: Easy to drive, safe
CONS: Expensive, overengineered
DS: “This one has another note in the appendix from Tech; overcomplicated and overengineered engine, just like the Epoch truck.”
JF: “Can it.”
OS: “Absolutely not! I have a contact with these guys, while Tech say it’s expensive, we’d be getting a lot of value for our money!”
JF: “I’m not sure I follow, South…this is, just flipping through the other candidates, one of the most expensive vehicles submitted. And yet it delivers only average or below-average performance in nearly every category.”
OS: “Just…never mind.”
RESULT: FAILED DUE TO NON-COMPLIANCE
Malibu Lifeguard LG4
PROS: Reliable and fuel efficient
CONS: Extremely expensive, poor operating costs
DS: “No, I’m not feeling this one at all.”
OS: “This would be good if you lived in California, and wanted to overpay for a hideous beach buggy.”
JF: “Well that settles that one…next on the list please.”
RESULT: DECLINED
LS Vehicles LSV Crusader LQF
PROS: Cheap, reliable
CONS: Too aggressively styled to pass customs? not easy to drive, uncomfortable
JF: “Good lord, that’s not going to work. Domingo, is that a swivel-mount for a gun turret pre-installed?”
DS: “Sure looks like it, boss. Also, the Crusader name is not going to go over well with anyone over there.”
OS: “Precisely why we are liberating the Dalluhans from the godless Archanans…”
JF: “I’m sorry, what was that, South?”
RESULT: DECLINED
Rado Van 1500
PROS: Very flexible and versatile vehicle, very reliable
CONS: Too large and heavy, poor fuel economy, poor off-road abilities
JF: “We’re trying to liberate the Dalluhans, not build apartment blocks for them. Next please.”
RESULT: DECLINED
AOD 5597 Pickup
PROS: Cheaper than average, compact footprint and lightweight
CONS: Complicated engine, poor fuel economy, not easy to drive
OS: “This thing is made by fucking commies, forget it.”
JF: “Even if it wasn’t, Tech reports that the engine is far too complicated for what we’re looking for. Shame though, it’s not bad-looking.”
RESULT: FAILED DUE TO NON-COMPLIANCE
SARA Varappe
PROS: Cheap, excellent reliability, excellent off-road
CONS: Not easy to drive, very uncomfortable
JF: “Well, this definitely has an old-school feel to it, very tough looking.”
OS: “I actually sat in this one while it was down in Tech being evaluated; I mean, I know comfort isn’t exactly what we’re looking for, but this thing is a torture chamber. Speaking of that…”
DS: “It’s also on the bigger side, so that’s a strike against it too. Other than that, it’s solid.”
RESULT: SEND TO FINAL DEMEVAL
Morab Cheyenne
PROS: Comfortable, looks appropriate for the role, good offroad
CONS: Expensive, below-average running cost, less flexibility than average
DS: “I like the looks of this one, real clean and rugged. Would look good on CNN!”
OS: “I’m in favour of it too, good American-made iron, this one.”
JF: “Well, I’m not. It’s too expensive to buy and operate, and it is in the bottom third of a lot of key categories, based on Tech’s scoring metrics. Put it in the bin.”
RESULT: DECLINED
Gasmea Van Co. Offroad
PROS: Very utilitarian, favorable size and weight
CONS: Extremely expensive, performs poorly in most categories, highly unsafe
DS: “Good lord, it looks like an anteater, and that color, dios mio!”
JF: “Apparently it’s a total deathtrap.”
OS: “If you think the front is bad, it’s worse in the rear. Forget it.”
RESULT: FAILED DUE TO NON-COMPLIANCE
Bush Hiro B
PROS: Excellent off-road, rugged, utilitarian looks, low operating costs, good flexibility
CONS: Below-average safety
JF: “It’s rugged and simple, a real workhorse. It also ticks all the right boxes too for performance.”
DS: “One of my buddies has a Hiro he takes into the backcountry, can’t say enough good about it really.”
OS: “Gets decent fuel economy too, it seems, which explains its good operating cost.”
RESULT: SEND TO FINAL DEMEVAL
NCP Vagabond Pickup
PROS: Good operating cost, relatively cheap, good, if very dated styling
CONS: Poor comfort, low flexibility, below average fuel economy
JF: “This one’s out of the Eastern bloc.”
OS: “You mean to say the fucking reds sent us a vehicle to evaluate for this?”
DS: “Looks like. Looks like they also lifted the plans right out of Southfield, and copied it down to the last screw. There’s something real weird about this one; it feels like NCP purpose-built this thing just for us, as though it was some sort of cynical attempt to curry favor in this competition. Still, it’s good looking, if dated now.”
OS: “I will not condone buying this fucking redmobile piece of shit when we are actively trying to fund the very groups that are trying to kick their godless asses out of power!”
JF: “It’s a decent vehicle, South…”
OS: “Now listen here, Franks, I don’t give a shit what you think. I’m trying to keep our heads above water in Nicaragua with this, and you want just pull us under by buying this thing?!”
JF: “Wait, what does this have to do with Nicaragua?”
RESULT: SEND TO FINAL DEMEVAL
Albatross T100
PROS: Good offroad, very practical and flexible, easy to drive
CONS: Expensive, below-average reliability
DS: “Are you calmed down, South? Can we continue now?”
OS: “Yes, yes, we can continue. I quite liked this one actually, it’s tough-looking and very practical.”
JF: “It’s expensive and not terribly reliable though, care to elaborate on what else you see here, South?”
OS: “No.”
RESULT: SEND TO FINAL DEMEVAL
Nohda Tansa
PROS: Excellent off-road, good, if dated styling
CONS: Unsafe, poor fuel economy, limited utility
DS: “The Tansa is about as close as you can get to an icon in this category. They’ve been around for damned near thirty years, with little or no changes since the first one rolled off the line.”
JF: “And it shows in the build quality and safety. Tech says it’s the most dangerous vehicle they tested, saying, and I quote, “it’s little more than a tin can on wheels.””
OS: “Looks good, though.”
RESULT: FAILED DUE TO NON-COMPLIANCE
Norris WX-T200DE
PROS: Cheap, good all-around performance, rugged, durable appearance
CONS: Not easy to drive, does not excel in any major category
DS: “This does well, the Norris, but it’s not really great at anything. Competent, if a little bit staid.”
JF: “I like it, it looks pretty sharp overall, for what it is.”
OS: “No arguments there, it’s a competent vehicle from what the report says.”
RESULT: SEND TO FINAL DEMEVAL
20 Likes
Yeah, I expected my 40 points of Off-Road weren’t going to get very far. Still, had fun building it.
3 Likes
Honestly, I thought my entry was going to compete neck-to-neck with the best ones. But I didn’t quite make it to the top. It was good fun to compete, though. 
Woah, that’s a lot of cars being shaved off. It’s been fun, good luck to y’all in the finals. 
So, you’re not using C130 Herc’s to move the rebels about? 
Oh well… If you ever want to “liberate” Helvetica, don’t hesitate to give Bogliq USA Procurement a call! 
Phew. I went for the cheap and cheerful route again - and this time I made it to the next round of cuts. I did not realize how big my entry really was, though.
As for the trucks that didn’t make the initial cut… Why not use them as static targets for Dalluhan small arms, artillery, or even tanks? Now that would really send a grim message to the rejected companies.
Comrades! It is as I feared. They have declined our proposal.
Did they say anything to the police.
I do not believe so. Still, we must resort to our backup plan. Uri! You will be comedian stand up ventriloquist! Sasha, Yakov, Mikhail! You will be his dummies.
Who are you calling dummy?
Not now Mikhail! Get in the trunk!
6 Likes
Feeling slighted at your rejection, Malibu go cap-in-hand to the ruling regime.
The joke is on you! Prepare to face legions of angry soft roaders. I hope you brought your factor 30… This cold war’s gonna get hot! 
2 Likes
Sinistra Motors will simply wait for the war to end, then sell the Sinistra Serenade to the police in Dalluha. We’ll also offer the Serenade to taxi fleets.
1 Like
Hehe. I wonder if that was the response BMC got from the British Army when they tried to sell them the Moke. The Issi is faster, more beefy and more capable than a Moke… though it looks like we ran in to the same ground clearance problems. BMC didn’t have much luck with the military Moke, either.
The spirits were very high at the SARA. Jeanneret and Patrick Delacroix, the Chief Procurements Engineer, came to the Procurement Offices with a few Jeroboams of Crémant to celebrate with the team.
The whole team took turns sitting in the (admittedly quite rough) benches of the Varappe, sharing fond memories of the '55 Percheron designed for the Transsaharienne, where the local drivers had ditched the already rough bunk to put a plywood board, dismissing the “useless european luxuries”.
- “The Dalluhans will find the comfort just fine. They ride vintage 60’s Varappe over there that hold together with tape and some strings - this one almost reaches one on the MARKETING STANDARDIZED AUTOMATION®, they’ll feel pampered sitting there”
- “Same for the drivability those fat Gasmeans complained about - either you have a car that drives well on the road, or a car that drives well off-road”
- “Or a modern, more expensive one”
- “Yeah, that, too. This baby can go anywhere. More often than not, you will go faster and safer by avoiding the roads, though”
"Gentlemen, may I have your attention, please.
I’m sure all of you will be pleased to know that the FAAL did not make the cut !
We beat those arrogants alsacians and their ever oh-so-perfect cars, so, to celebrate that, I’ll say we call it a day for today’s work, and have some Crémant together.
Real Crémant, obviously, the burgundy one, not that [expletive] they do up there !
As usual, I’m afraid, modesty and decency weren’t the theme of the day at the SARA…
My apologies for @Knightophonix for their behavior
3 Likes
Wait, the design wasn’t solid? Thought I had fixed most of the Nash’s awkward angles (i.e. the side windows)… Or then again it’s Olaf having heard my “praises” regarding his “joyful” personality, and therefore he retaliated in kind. Eye see you, as MGS 4’s Drebin said… 
As for failing due to off-road capabilities, can’t say I didn’t see that one coming. Some price had to be paid for the S-F’s drivability, and this is the first proper off-road I designed. Perhaps I should’ve sacrificed some of that for a more rudimentary suspension setup…
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I tweaked it and forgot to double check and accidentally went over the engine ET by 1 point 
I’m wheezing so hard I don’t even care that I didn’t make the cut
7 Likes