ROUND 1: THE SHORTEST STRAW (Early Eliminations)
The Bunker, September 23, 11 AM
There was no gig the next day, so the four were basically doing whatever. John and David were in another room trying to get some complicated riff to work, leaving Rob and Luke free to… Play Super Mario Brothers.
Luke: I’m telling you, there are probably game systems like this on the other side of the Wall. No way they can miss out on this.
Rob: Yeah, no way. Best-case scenario is, they’ll just copy this Nintendo in a few years and call it something else so copyright doesn’t get 'em.
Luke: You say that like they’re incapable of making anything of their own! I know you’re a scab, but are you seriously into that “those dirty commies” mentality? The borders are all imaginary, man!
Rob: I swear, Luke, if you don’t stop quoting John Lennon, I’ll send you to him. Then you can “imagine” the Ruskies having Nintendos together. And you know what else they don’t have? Good cars. Speaking of, I still have no idea what I’m getting.
Luke: Again with your earthly possessions. But okay, you want a fast car, right? Why not the Xf Frieze?
Rob: No chance in hell. It looks like a platypus, and it’s not even that fast.
Luke: Not fast? But they can go 150!
Rob: Yeah, if you just floor it past five cops on a highway. It’s slow to accelerate, and the engine is one rough piece of work so you can’t enjoy it. And I really can’t get over those looks. Actually, you know why I even know what this thing is? It’s because I found it in an “ugliest new cars today” list in a magazine, and it wasn’t alone.
(Eliminated for hardly even resembling a car - let alone a rear-drive sportscar. The front end makes it look - like Rob said - like a platypus, the indicators are just slapped onto the fenders, and on the rear, the license plate cutout is ridiculously large. The wheels are the default steelies despite the engineering saying they ought to be magnesium wheels. Moreover, there are some questionable engineering elements, too: The 2.1-liter i5 engine is supposed to be rather high-revving and all that, but it has a standard-mid single-point injection system alongside long-tube headers. It also has next to no balancing mass and thus idles at - wait for it - 1600 RPM.)
Luke: Well, at least you’re not only judging this book by its cover. But what were the other ugly cars?
Rob: Well…
Hitachi HT80 Tempest - @04mmar
Rob: There was also this Hitachi thing. There’s something very wrong with your priorities if you give a car fenders the size of Macho Man but then stick black plastic bumpers on it.
Luke: Hey, I know the car you’re talking about. Didn’t it have some sort of new turbo tech in it?
Rob: Sure did. Apparently it still doesn’t spool before 4000 rpm, which means they suck at their jobs.
(This would have been eliminated for looks - but looking through the rules again, I actually have to outright bin it for its twin-scroll turbo, which is prohibited by the brief. And - again, in the characters’ own words - it doesn’t even spool properly regardless. And then there’s the BMW M1-style mechanical per-cylinder injection, billet crank, and so on… Lots of expensive parts thrown together without the refinement needed for them to work.)
VAM 200e - @doot
Rob: This VAM thing has a similar problem: Wide rear flares, nothing to back them up. Just what seems like a bar of plasticine stuck to the side.
Luke: Okay, now, you’re judging a book by its cover. This thing has a very efficient intake with four throttle bodies, and is one of the best-handling cheap sports cars out there!
Rob: Well, why am I paying for four throttle bodies when one’s enough? I’d rather pay for the displacement to not be 1.8 liters, or something. And besides, this book’s cover looks like somebody spilled a can of cream sauce all over it. Even you wouldn’t read a book covered in cream sauce.
(Eliminated for being a nearly-blank body with huge, unwieldy trim and bumpers clumsily slapped onto it. And what’s with so many people in this comp slapping ITBs onto their cars? Increasing your displacement is free, while even this per-cylinder intake cost $700 extra.)
Luke: Well, if you want something pretty, get an Italian. I got a magazine here with a picture of one.
Rob: Oh, so now borders mean something to you? Being Italian doesn’t prevent the BMC Viaggio from looking 15 years old out the factory doors. And neither will it prevent it from rusting to the ground long before it actually turns 15.
Luke: Is it really that bad?
Rob: Yeah, a bunch of Italian manufacturers still don’t rust-proof their chassis. This thing’ll fall apart faster than an old Civic. And from this very article you’ve handed me, they describe the handling as “wallowy, uneven, and then if you push it too hard it’ll kill you”. That’s kind of a turn-off.
(Eliminated for an unacceptably low environmental resistance, but it’s just generally not brilliant. This seems like a vague approximation of a GTV6; but next time you make something like that, make sure its handling is actually as good. Because as is, it somehow manages to have super-stiff front springs and dampers, 7.5 degrees of body roll, and terminal oversteer in the same package. Despite 30mm of stagger.)
Luke: Okay, well… Here’s a literal rally homologation thing with a mid-mounted engine. that’s gotta be fast enough for you.
Rob: Can you stop with the whole “gotta” thing? It’s like you don’t want me to actually think about this thing. ‘Oh Rob, it’s fast, what’s not to like?’ - Oh, I don’t know, the upkeep cost for one? They barely make the parts you need to keep it in one piece and you void the warranty by looking at the sales guy wrong. Also, it’s got an ass only a mother could love - it’s like it’s been mauled by a bear.
(Eliminated for huge service costs - one of the two highest of the pack. And while its resemblance to the Renault 5 Turbo is noted, every part that’s different - such as the relocation of taillights upstairs - just makes it that much more unpleasant and bugly to look at.)
The two-man jam session next door comes to a close; David walks out and joins the two on the couch
David: You know, you’re not gonna get much done if you just pulling random car names out your ass and look at magazines. There’s auto TV programs for that stuff, and I’m pretty sure if you tell John you wanna go to the drag strip with him he’ll actually kiss you.
Rob: I don’t want John to kiss me, I want a car. Matter of fact, I got one more name up my, uh, sleeve.
Rob: I really, really dig the MID2 Turbo. It looks good, it turns good, it’s fast as all hell.
David: Yeah, problem. You can’t afford it.
Rob: Whaddya mean? It’s 14 grand. I can literally go out and buy it. And it’s a Hinode, not like it bruises easily.
David: No, but if it does they might not even fix it. I actually wanted one of these myself, but apparently most of their dealerships aren’t even qualified to sell or service these things. Really complex, and they never keep the parts in stock.
(GODDAMMIT I DO NOT WANT TO ELIMINATE THIS CAR! Looks good, well-engineered, fast. Spoofs one of my real-life dream cars, too. Thing is, it and the above R5 clone have service costs in a whole different league compared to everything else. If not eliminated, it would have been only just passed over for a finals choice, if my mental calculus works out correctly.)
Rob: Well, that’s a crying shame. Alright then, we’ll do it your way. MotorMouth reruns and a drag strip visit, huh? Bring it.
pain
How am I supposed to find the idle RPM I don’t see that, and should I not have low balancing mass I did a negative balancing mass because it raised sportiness