CSR161 - With an Attitude [DONE]

Community Challenges & Competitions
96

ROUND 2-2 - HIGH FLYERS

Jacksonville Beach, Florida; The morning after Rd 1 and 2-1

Prologue for Round 2-2

Maverick: So, Dream… Why are we outside a financial center?

“Dream”: Well, Toneh, I wanted to show ya how dem yuppies pick they cars. May be of sum importance, giv’n yer tryin’ to impress Eric. He ain’t no workin’ man, an’ das a shoot.

Marv: That, and didn’t you spend your early days traveling the roads in that hip, sporty Canadian compact? This stuff should be right up your alley.

Maverick: Times change, Enforcer. And seeing how we’re likely going to be riding together a lot…

Authié et Dallier 6/27 Q.P. - @Knugcab

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Maverick: …Would you really be all that thrilled to ride in the back of this thing?

Marv: Hmmm… Well, normally I’d just call shotgun… Let some of the cruiserweight kids fill out the back, pay for gas. They’re dumb enough to bite.

“Dream”: Heh heh, dass the Marv I became frends wid! Just one issue, daddeh, dat hothead Phil the smallest of your posse, an’ he ain’t no cruiserweight.

Maverick: Really, I just don’t trust A&D’s quality. They’re tin cans, they break down and then cost a King’s ransom to fix… Just not the virtues I’m after. Is this one cheap, at least?

with the Dream’s mirthful laughter, the question finds its answer.

(A tragic case of too much realism - this car is suboptimal in a profoundly real way, with a big V6 engine that’s massively debored and destroked - before being brought up to power via two expensive turbos. Too big ones, too - seemingly for no reason other than to permit the engine to spin to 8200 rpm despite maxing out 2100 prior. Second-worse safety and svc along with poor reliability round out the offenses that end this car’s run early.)

Marv: Cavalieres usually get a better rep, if that’s your sticking point. Though I can’t really fit my rear in the rear, either…

Maverick: Oh, it’ll fit. But my gear won’t, given I don’t just subsist off a pair of black trunks. Look at that rear deck, there’s barely a one!

“Dream”: Daddeh, I’m gonna be blunt here. It remin’s me of uh, a Japanese car but blown up on juice.

Maverick: Damn, and considering it’s Italian… I think we have an answer.

(There’s nothing wrong with a full-price entry, as long as it distinguishes itself in other areas - but this one doesn’t. Small, not the most comfortable, surprisingly unprestigious - and it’s not even the fastest for its troubles. Looks were free to add, and while there’s a fair amount of detail, the Nobile fails to be truly striking, either.)

Maverick: Okay, this looks more the part. Too bad I don’t recognize it; Dream, d’you know what the deal is?

“Dream”: Oh bebbeh, she’s a screamer, yes she is. Dey say she does a hunnit-eighty miles per. And anotha thing, mill’s in de back; and ya gear goes in front.

Maverick: Wait, what the hell? It’s a Corvair? Neat, I guess. Still ,weird I haven’t heard of it before.

Marv: Well, people just don’t think it’s worth the jump. Apart from the speed, it’s only an okay car as far as I’ve heard - and the speed demons out there complain that the engine feels like white bread. Not often you hear that said about a high-revving V8.

“Dream”: That, and the hoss testicles it got for foglamps are ugly as sin!

(An otherwise strong showing for the round’s obligatory rear-engined entry is spoiled by a really quite weird engine: this is an ahead-of-time Mercedes M113 4.2 clone, except it’s got VTEC with the most wide-ass difference between the profiles I’ve seen in a challenge, and full balancing mass besides. The reliability is still “only good”, but now the sporty, fastest-in-challenge RR car has a throttle response of 23. We have a literal carbureted car in the challenge that manages better. Aside from this gripe of mine, the car is full-price for the challenge as expected and has surprisingly unimpressive prestige.)

Maverick: And this just looks downright traditional, especially with that wicked straight-up backlight. Do yuppies really drive this?

Marv: Well, there’s always a counterculture. And look closely: It’s still very clearly not a barge. Tiny wheels, short ass. Got a big-ish straight-six in there, too.

Maverick: I mean… I don’t see a big problem with it, apart from maybe feeling too plain. Japanese stuff doesn’t break, right?

Marv: Yep. Doesn’t break, rides like a cloud, easy to handle, doesn’t eat too much. They call it a Excelsis, and it excels in not pissing you off.

(We got an actual finalist here. Very sharp-looking, very reliable - and there’s nothing here that raises my hackles in a personal way aside from those actually miniscule wheels. Maybe the suspension is also a bit too soft for something that isn’t a traditional Ameribarge, but the sum of this team’s engineering ticks enough boxes to advance whereas the previous three cars cannot claim the same.)

“Dream”: Oh, look… There’s a dang flyin’ saucah.

Maverick: No kidding! This thing looks really funky. It’s shapely as well, though; I wouldn’t say much bad about how it’s presented.

Marv: Yeah… I got a friend with one of these.

Maverick: Uh-oh.

Marv: Exactly. It’s got a look that its ass can’t cash… The chassis is a mess, Front brakes are weak, and it’ll turn inside out if you corner too fast. The same can be said of the engine, by the way. It’s turbo and all, but apparently it runs on a real old, shitty injection system that does it no favor, even in the reliability department.

“Dream”: Heh. Well, this one’s a never-the-mind then, huh Mav?

(The Strader needs polish and research: the basic concept isn’t bad. Hell, despite the SPEFI, the turbo on the car is actually tuned very well. But then you put that flawed-yet-sporty engine into a car with rubber-soft suspension, no front brakes, and an ass that kicks out faster than the Hulkster on roids? That’s where it falls apart. And then there are other blind spots, like the extra $400 spent on bypass valves with no tangible benefit - just because in 1993, they take up all of the exhaust techpool.)


From Round 2-2, only @GetWrekt01 and @HybridTronny’s entry ends up in the finals.

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The even more tragic moment when you’re proud of your failure because it captures the intended essence of the car. :rofl:

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I had a feeling :wink:

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Realism per se is strongly encouraged in CSR, but if the resulting entry suffers from adhering to it too much, then it won’t get far.

Also, from what I’ve seen so far, Mike Maverick will most likely end up with a top-5 shortlist for the final round of judging - with three cars already qualified for the finals, the remaining slots are yet to be filled, but I’m certain they will both be reserved for the most worthy entries that are still in contention.

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ROUND 2-3 - REAL AMERICAN

Outside Gainesville, Florida

Prologue for Round 2-3

After the party in Jacksonville Beach, the promotion headed west - and so did our heels. On the weekdays, without anything really being taped for TV or Pay-Per-View, there wasn’t yet much reason for Maverick to be re-introduced - so he just hung around the gang. heading into Gainesville, he rode with Phil and his former tag team partner, Aerial Alan - in their rickety little import. In contrast to Phil’s lemony, dismissive posture, the naturally manic Alan was a good bit more excited…

Alan: I still can’t believe we got Mike goddamn Maverick around in the cee-dub! I can see it now! Maybe you and Marv are gonna tag as some sorta big bad heel wrecking crew…

Maverick: You know, that might even work. He’s the Enforcer, I’m supposedly a mean bounty-hunting son of a bitch - Give us a flak jacket each and we’ll be bad as can be.

Phil: Yeah, that’s if there’s a triple-XL size jacket for Marv to squeeze into. Man’s a couple scoops short of an ice cream tub. You’re holding up, though, old man - I thought you didn’t like the smaller cars.

Maverick: Yeah, I still don’t. Had to scoot so far back that if Alan over there had a neighbor, I’da cut his legs clean off.

Alan: You know, Phil and I got a little something for ya. They did a full comparo of huge American boats in this one magazine a month ago, and we thought you might be into it.

Phil: Oh, God-dammit, Alan! I was supposed to tell him that! I found the damn mag!

Maverick: Aren’t you two just the cutest little politickers… Give it here. Now you gotta put up with me flicking that map light on and reading it out loud to you.

Alan: /gasp/ But ma always said it’s illegal to have the map light on!

Phil: …Goddammit, Alan, that’s a fib they tell you to stop playing with the damn thing!

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Before the complex nature of today’s world took over - before even that jungle war was ever a thing - the American family car was a simple affair. Four doors, long, wide and low, with style put over substance yet still enough substance to serve a household. And oh, don’t forget… It wasn’t worth having without a V8 and one of those self-shifting transmissions with a fancy marketing name. Turbo-Dyna-Hydro-Flight-Flow-o-Matic! Yeah, something like that.

Times are different, now. Necessarily so, many a one will insist. A sign of progress, some might proclaim. But when it truly comes down to it, most will admit: We miss the simplicity of it. But what is there to do? We have acquired five American full-size family cars to see how they cope with this changing world. What do you keep, and what do you leave behind?

Marietta has chosen to leave behind the notion of boatiness. The Alatus ZR makes a play to be what no American sedan has really been since the Oil Crisis - a sports sedan. A bit narrower than convention, with toughened-up suspension and the roaring V8 under the hood cranked up to 285 horsepower, this stallion is a worthy performer - with a mid-seven second 0-60 courtesy of a heavy-duty 4-speed automatic, as well as formidable braking. As an Alatus, it benefits from a new unibody construction with excellent safety characteristics, a still-luxurious interior, and a mean - if not necessarily stunning - look. However, we found it somewhat disheartening that even after sacrificing a traditional American ride, the tires remain of standard American width and compound, hampering the mighty car’s vision of being a true rival to Euro sports sedans. And though we know Marietta cars to be totally dependable mechanically, we found we could not depend as easily on the Alatus’ directional stability at high speeds - not helped by an overboosted steering box.

Phil: Sounds like a good shot, but a miss is a miss. It’s kind of embarrassing to have a sporty car that can’t handle being driven, y’know, sportily!

Maverick: It’s a sad thing. I remember the heyday of Marietta cars, when I was in junior high - everybody on the block was talking about how much of a blast they were to drive!

Alan: Wait, junior high? In the late sixties? But that makes you, uh… At least thirty-eight or so!

Maverick: Forty. I’m in my prime, kid, okay? Come the new millennium you’ll be just like me!

(A good effort from a returning user. Has these little hiccups like a too-oversteery suspension setup, too small and narrow wheels, treated steel panels… those add up. Aside from that, the car is very much on the right track.)

Durendal, on the other hand, keeps the boatiness - and just throws away reason itself. An older-style unibody that nonetheless comes with a “struts and arms” suspension setup you’d be more likely to find on a smaller front-drive car, the Havana strives to give more - with an engine that puts out a massive 312 horsepower, and state-of-the art road-sensing dampers. But there’s more than content between the preposterous sans-beltline front end and whimsical British-style rear end: There’s discord. And that discord comes from the two-ton car riding on massively tall yet thin tires that fail entirely to induce any manner of traction - regardless of the trick differential and smart 5-speed automatic transmission. This makes it slower than the last car. And it’s worse in the corners: The Havana entered a dreadful understeer mode whenever pushed even slightly, which - coupled with the generally-already-soft ride - makes one wonder what the geeks at Durendal even thought up the dampers for.

Maverick: God, that sounds like misery in a handbasket. And here’s the kicker: They don’t even mention anything like smothering comfort, or unwavering reliability.

Alan: What are the odds they’re simply not there? I mean, happens to the best of us, lose your touch and you go from “Flare for the Gold” to “Flare for the Old” instantly.

(Dreadful dynamics aside, this car is weird and inefficient on many levels. What’s VVL with no VVT doing in a big V8? What’s a Torsen doing in a comfort-focused car? Why are the damn front brakes solid-discs? Honestly, this was decently close to a realism bin.)

Liberty advises you leave your shame at the door. Don’t be ashamed of taking over 9 seconds to 60, or needing different size front and rear tires. Instead, indulge in the extremely balanced - if not nimble - handling, the lack of effort in the novel servo-assisted steering, the endless cushioning of the air suspension. And you can also grin shamelessly at anybody who’s ever been to a service center - Liberty have long been known to build rock-solid cars even as they get loaded with new technology, because they spend on it. And you will too, as you let go of your shame from taking a cool AM$27,900 out your kids’ college fund.

Phil: Well, that was judgmental as all hell.

Maverick: I have to say, I’m intrigued at a car that’s this high-tech without breaking every 5 seconds… Then again, what measure is a ladder-framed traditional sedan on the high-tech scale?

Alan: I’m still scared about that. I mean, maybe the electric gizmo steering doesn’t break, but will it feel any good?

Maverick: Really, I’m concerned about that filled-up price tag. And once more, I don’t hear any enthusiasm out of them. And… All that money, and they can’t even dial it in without making you pay extra for different kinds of tires?

(A strong showing overall; a lack of raw prestige or visual awe, combined with great-but-not-that-great engineering, keeps it out of the finals. Just a little bit to clear up, though: This is a traditional-chassis US car… with a similarly trad V8… That has tiny staggered wheels and EPS? A weird break with reality there.)

On a more positive note, the Sentinel Pantheon says goodbye to regrets. Sized as properly as a full-size car might be, the Pantheon is, like the Alatus, a unibody - and a five-door liftback, at that. It doesn’t attempt, however, to be sporty - it only matches the speed of the Havana, despite 60 less horsepower, and the cornering of the Premiere, with a square tire setup. Instead, it’s a master class in rigor - being more without losing more - and… ravishing-ness. See, the Pantheon keeps something many a car these days discards: Beauty. Not simple beauty, not scientific beauty, but that same assertive, unrepenant, ostentatious splendor that cars of years gone by oozed so effortlessly. It is, in the 1990s, an honest-to-God coke bottle! However, the IIHS says - and, importantly, our door-slam test confirms - It won’t crumple like one.

Phil: They gush a whole lot about how it’s beautiful and all. Well, I’m driving - and I can’t see worth a shit. Is it any good?

Alan: Yeah…

Maverick: Oh, hell yeah.

(I don’t need to say much here. This is the other of the two almost-perfectly scored cars design-wise, and it does have the engineering to back it up. Weak spots are few, economy being one and an only somewhat good comfort - though still better than that of the last three - being another. A first-draft finalist, for sure.)

This final car isn’t going to crumple, either, but this story is a bit sadder. Because Wolfe with its Regalia wants you to let go… of the Regalia. This is the end; the last model year. And it’s about time, because Wolfe’s parent company have made a monster of it. The huge thin wheels mirror the Havana’s in how poorly the poor thing turns. The engine has been accelerated to 7000 round per, wrung out hard with headers - though it may still only have a carburetor, again the last of its kind. Just objectively, it’s not a bad car despite it all - but it used to be so much more natural. Now it seems like pumping an old fighter with steroids to let him fight one last time. It’s just weird, now.

Alan: /sniff/ It’s enough to make a grown man cry…

Maverick: No, no it isn’t. It just makes me not wanna buy something that’s about to go out. And where do you even find 19-inch tires, anyhow?

Phil: What kinda role do those even play? Seriously, foreign owners don’t get US companies.

(I had a lot of good to say about this originally, but there’s a mix of old school (inducing understeer with stiffer springs when there’s toe-in now) and just weird (seriously, what’s with the mongo-size magnesium wheels?) engineering that puts a sour taste in my mouth. The carburetor I’m fine with, as I publicly did say I wanted at least one entrant to try it - but for crying out loud, this is a Crown Victoria lookalike built on the Lancer body!)

From this batch of entries,

@vero94773 and @Kyorg 's entry

advances to the finals.


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VVL and VVT are not the same thing; the former is less effective without the latter:

I once encountered an entrant in CSR137 that had the same problem:

This was its creator’s response:

To which I came up with this rebuke:

Anyway, if Mike Maverick is insistent on a top-5 shortlist, that leave just one more slot for him to fill - from the last remaining batch of entries.

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VVL, used correctly, gives you a wider and flatter powerband. VVT improves the existing powerband in power, consumption, and emissions. The latter is a good general-purpose upgrade, and any engine can benefit from it. The former is most useful for screamers that also need to be civilized. A big V8 typically doesn’t have enough RPM range to justify VVL.

Apart from BMW’s Valvetronic engines, I’m not aware of any real V8 with VVL. Plenty with VVT, tho.

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My only real complaint was with the question of solid disc front brakes. This is 1993, correct? Vented disc brakes typically didn’t show up on cars like Crown Vics. I realize I was trying some things with the car, no real complaints with the critique otherwise. I just thought out of everything, the disc brakes would be the most normal.

Anyways, good luck to everyone left!

PS, I do have a question, though. I’m curious about the understeer you talked about. I remember tuning the suspension to an even 99.5% Drivability to 99.5% Sportiness. Should I have been looking at something else? Not complaining, just want to know for next time.

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This is 1993. My knowledge isn’t perfect so I don’t know it all, but wikipedia at least says that the Crown Vic got front vented discs back when it was the LTD Crown Victoria - that is, MY1980. The proliferation of vented brakes to replace solid ones in front was quick, it’s the rear where you could find anything all the way down to drums (witness: My Buick Roadmaster, of 1996 Vintage, is set up in vented/drum fashion).

Regarding the understeer: The tuning is correct from a stat perspective. And the correct, optimal tuning per current Automation standards is a “neutral normally, understeer at the limit” one. Problem is, your car’s limit is 0.62g low-speed and 0.60g high-speed, meaning any exuberant driving will trigger the understeer quickly. It’s tied for the second-worst lateral grip in the competition with Karhgath’s car.

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What I usually do when it comes to what would have been realistic for cars of the era in terms of brake types and sizes, if I am unsure, I check out the parts at parts vendors. Seems like a 1993 Vic would have had vented rotors after all.

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My mistake. Seems I have been confusing brakes this whole time.

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What would a respectable number for that car be?

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For reference, my entry could manage 0.755g on a 20m skidpad (low speeds) and 0.728g on a 200m skidpad (high speeds), which makes it less prone to understeer. Anything above 0.8g on either skidpad figure could be overkill, however.

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Thanks, that is a stat that i’ve seen, but never took into account.

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ROUND 2-4 - THE MILLION DOLLAR GIMMICK

Parking Lot: Gainesville, Florida

Prologue for Round 2-4

Gainesville was done and dusted for the heels. Daytona Beach was next - and Maverick had already called ahead to a couple dealerships there to arrange test-drives for the cars he’d so far approved of. Scott and Marv both had matches that night, whereas Phil and Alan only cut a promo. Mike offered to carpool with the veterans this time around so that they’d have time to catch their breath.

Scott: So Mav, did you watch the performance this time around?

Maverick: I have. The kids were hyping up some reinforcements: could they be talking about me?

Marv: Not just you. They’re going to “hire” Scott and you as a team of tough bodyguards, and we’ll get you two over as heels by having you beat up a couple of main eventers.

Maverick: Oh, that’s right, they have that rich California gimmick. I still find it funny that our Californians are from Cincinnati and… What was it, way down South in Austin?

Scott: The real ironic thing is that I’m the only one here with actual acting experience. That production I was in several months ago took me to that cesspool that is Cali - and I did manage to catch a ride in a bunch of fancy rides.

Maverick: Do tell.

Scott: There was this one little number called a Luxus. I’m really not sure of it’s the model or the make, but sitting in the back was a real good experience.

Marv: Oh, are you talking about that new-age car with no ass? I’d trust it as far as I could throw it, really. I heard it has about as big an engine as a typical economy import.

Maverick: This isn’t sounding good already.

Scott: Oh, it’s not perfect. The owner of that car was complaining about no trunk space, weird driving behavior, and the fact that nobody looks at him like a star when he’s in it. But God, that back seat…

Maverick: Remember, I’m buying a car for me, not for you. If it drives like crap and I can’t put that riot gear costume I’m going to be wearing, I don’t want it.

(While overall not a bad effort, and engineered for some properly high comfort, that’s only ever been half the battle. The styling is very lackluster, and - more importantly - drivability is very poor. There are no other “exceptional” stats that counteract those downsides, with the tiny 2-liter turbo straight 6 precluding a blowout on prestige and price still being close to max.)

Scott: I also got to ride in a new Wells; Again, a very satisfactory experience. It’s got that neat hydraulic suspension mumbo-jumbo. If you’ve got the money for one, that’s a real contender.

Maverick: I actually heard about it. Problem is, I heard about it from Consumer Reports. I could afford the thing, but I couldn’t afford the fines from no-showing events. They’re not built good, and we’re not California cats staying in the same city all the time.

Marv: And is it just me or do a lot of those new luxury cars just look very ordinary? it’s as if the rich people want to prepare they’re like the common folk when they clearly aren’t.

(The only non-bin car with a reliability in the 60s. That’s just not good enough, I’m afraid. Other “lowlights” are a maxed out price, expensive service, very average dynamics, and a look that says “LS400 but designed in Russia”. Total lack of quality in major areas is the prime suspect.)

Maverick: Next you might tell me you loved a Serena car or something! Love ya to death, Scott, but this stuff just isn’t right.

Scott: Come on, that’s a low blow! I don’t think you could defend a Select if you tried. Teeny narrow wheels, weird Japanese mirrors, and a 3.9-liter V6 that they once mislabeled as a 4.1 - with all the space-age technology you could want, but still not enough to make it rev any.

Marv: That, and it’s the largest car that’s ever given me a sore back. The Boss, Eric, has one - and I never wanna see that monster again. That being said, supposedly they are renowned for their reliability - but with a car like that…

Maverick: …You actually do want it to break!

(Not as bad a start as what the in-character text suggests, but a miss nonetheless, being neither actually luxurious - with a lower-third of the pack showing in comfort - nor very fast or prestigious, with those dynamics-robbing 195mm wide wheels and a prestige rating in the lower sixth of entries. And yes, you did call your engine a 4.1 after the family displacement only to destroke it to a 3.9.)

Marv: Honestly, all these cars have had the same issue as the AMS that my brother bought: Without substance, it doesn’t matter how much of a premium look you aim for. If it feels chintzy, if it’s not credible, it’s not gonna work.

Scott: I remember when he bought that thing, actually. I was there when he was in his honeymoon phase. It broke under warranty and the schmuck was happy he didn’t have to pay. Dammit, a warranty means it shouldn’t break anyhow!

Maverick: And it’s really a shame. You get a car that looks like a Rolls, except there’s no bumpers and it’s the length of a midsize. Pass.

(The high drivability figure is impressive - the low prestige and reliability are not. The AMS spends so much time having to be high luxury that it fails to touch all bases as a premium vehicle. Though not all at 0, the culprit is still a deficit of quality. Also, the wheelbase to length ratio approaches that of a BMW 3-series compact… This body really needs some bumpers.)

Maverick: Honestly, Scott, no offense, but all these cars so far have sounded just like California: All shock, no substance.

Scott: Well… There was this Japanese thing. Definitely way more study… Like a limo version of a smaller car, but with actual presence. Suisei, I think they called it.

Marv: Oh yeah, those .The real big one are called Tempuses - still a six, but a very good one. Very comfortable, very easy, and maybe not the most over-equipped but it still does it job very well.

Scott: The best part is that they manage to keep it really pretty and well-recognizable despite the Japanese same-box heritage. It’s got unique curves.

Maverick: That’s definitely the best luck we’ve had so far. Suisei dealers are everywhere, so I’ll probably just waltz in and ask to see one when we’re on our test binge on Saturday. Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.

(Lots of space-aging on the engine along with the successful drivability taming of a huge body get the Suisei through. There is also surprising dynamic soundness, and I bet that 5-speed doesn’t hurt a bit. Air suspension, body quality off the scales.)

From this batch of entries,

@Falling_Comet 's entry

advances to the finals.


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I think I somehow called that Serena’s engine a “4.1L” and “3902” (cc) in the same name. That’s gonna annoy anyone looking for parts for years. Whoops.

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That’s fair enough considering the limitations of the Indicator body sets (too light, not enough front/rear overhang range), although I could have pushed the front and rear bumper morphs further out, which would have mitigated its overly short overhangs. Even so, at just 4.79 m long (for a 3.0m wheelbase), it’s still too small for Mike’s tastes - 4.9m or more, with longer overhangs front and rear, would have been more suitable.

Hindsight suggests a six-cylinder engine (as most of the finalists have) of identical displacement would have been a better option - it left enough headroom for more quality points in places where they really matter (interior, engine family, fuel system, etc.). Also, I did fit treated steel panels to bump up the environmental resistance, but even downgrading to partial aluminum bodywork would not have saved it by freeing up some spare cash for use elsewhere.

And yes, 51 prestige and 71.6 reliability are both on the low side for a car entered in this field (and obvious symptoms of insufficient quality) - 53-55 for the former and 73-75 for the latter would have been closer to the ballpark range for this round, if I’m not mistaken.

One thing’s for sure: With all 31 entries accounted for, and all of the top 5 slots already filled, the final phase of judging will definitely be one to watch - there will be two front-drivers (one longitudinal, the other transverse) and three rear-drivers vying for Maverick’s attention.

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The brief still includes the information on realism priorities and warnings, correct?

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FINAL ROUND - THE NEW WORLD ORDER

Suisei Dealership, Daytona Beach, Fla.

The heels - all five of them, young and old - woke up early, after barely a 3 or 4 hour sleep, to catch the opening hours of the Suisei dealership. With several of them having matches that night, it wouldn’t do to let the dealer tour run late. The winter day was late to begin - so the sun was still creaking its way past the horizon as the five met up.

Phil: Honestly, old man, this is kinda low. I have a singles match tonight! I open the damn show!

Marv: Actually, this was my idea. They’re making us all a stable, and we may end up traveling together more often than not. Besides, you’re doing a job ^ , aren’t you? Are you really that excited for that?

^ : “doing the job” means losing a wrestling match per the way you’re booked.

Alan: So that’s what that memo where Scott gets fake-injured and can’t wrestle on the pay-per-view was about?

Maverick: Something like that. Scott gets hurt, you interfere in his match and help him go over, but since he’s already hurt he hires Marv and I to fill up your team at WarGames. We go over there, and the actual stable gets made as a result.

^ : “going over” means winning a wrestling match per the way you’re booked.

Phil: And who’s to say they don’t leave me out the program if I don’t make that opening match? Y’all don’t have enough stroke to keep me out of trouble, so let’s just get on with this already!

Alan: Wow, I didn’t even know the Japanese made anything this big. Car, or engine. I thought they were all into economy.

Scott: Well, the whole tech explosion of late made them rich. I’ve been in this car already and I can attest that it’s proper luxury.

Maverick: I’m not a fan of how it looks like a long version of a smaller car, now that I have a good look at it. Big-ass rear door here, and the glass won’t roll down far.

Scott: Juuuust give the damn thing a chance.

On the road

Maverick: Well, it feels good here up front. It’s easy, it’s not slow, it’s solid - honestly, just driving it it’s like my old Plymouth, except it doesn’t suck.

Scott: So… It’s not your Plymouth? You aren’t fooling anybody here, that thing was a deathtrap.

Alan: I like it back here, that’s for sure. Even in the middle seat, I do kinda feel… Chaffeured.

Marv: Nothing seems to be flimsy in here, either. The Suisei’s a damn tank. I like it.

After this good start to their day, the heels aimed to capitalize by quickly shifting over to the De Valz dealership, situated close by.

The posse gathered around the French full-size is far from unassuming, five mean faces with not a single “five” between them in their respective height measurements - but the presence of the two-ton hunk of metal overshadows the lot of them.

Maverick: I have to say… This moves the needle. God damn, it’s prettier in person than it is in technicolor.

Phil: For once I agree with you, fossil man; This is just about pretty enough to make my English wife jealous. Bold choice with the hidden headlights on a four-door…

Alan: Uh, Phil, it might be a five-door! If we ever have a number six, we could just chuck that poor sucker in the back and keep on truckin’! Or hell, maybe we could cut Marv in half and I’ll actually have some space in that middle seat!

Marv: Cool it with the kayfabe, you little punk. Let’s roll already.

With the visuals verdict more than unanimous, the heels took the French hunk out for a spin. It goes without saying that a front-wheel peel started the show.

Maverick: You know, this is fun for a big car. Sorta calls back to something like a 70s Eldorado: Smooth, cool, unfuckwithable. I feel in charge here, that’s for sure. That said, it doesn’t sound like an Eldo.

Scott: It’s comfortable, that’s for sure. I got legroom for days. And did you see the sill width on the doors? I’m not convinced this thing isn’t bombproof!

Marv: They did tout all the crumple zones and similar bells and whistles back at the dealership. Almost got nauseous of the explanation, to be frank. More to the point, though, the trim on the glovebox is phony and you can see it.

Maverick: Do you really think anybody’s gonna notice that kinda crap? After looking at the way this car looks?

Marv: You’d be surprised. Car reviewers really latch onto this shit as well: They see brushed aluminum or wood that’s actually plastic, it’s no better than a shark seeing blood. Phoniness doesn’t fly when you’re trying to be all pretentious and luxurious.

Phil: Way I see it, it gets the job done. This is the kinda car you wish you had if you’re not a superstar, and that’s all I gotta say about that!

Dropping off the super-star-car at its dealer, the heels loaded themselves into their two-car convoy and headed for a waffle house to get some grub. And at no later than 11 in the morn, they were already to their next destination: the Atera dealership.

Alan: Again, wow! I oughta be more in touch with this Japanese car business. This looks pretty killer!

Phil: Now, I wouldn’t say it’s got the flair of the French car, but this looks sharp. Low, too - I’m actually surprised at the size of those wheels. They don’t look much taller than the ones on my shitbox - though there is much more rim here.

Maverick: I’m very much a fan of the flying-buttress rear of the thing. The proportions may be a bit too aggressive - even coupe-like in the rear there. No big deck to speak of. Ope, that there’s the lack of trunk space.

The test drive begins in a brisk manner, and there is once again a satisfaction among the rear seat passengers - but there is a looming undertone of confusion brewing.

Maverick: This is weird. I don’t know what exactly I was expecting with this thing, it was not… This.

Scott: Yep… I’m thinking the same thing. It’s a very fast car and handles pretty well, but I can tell from here it’s about as vague as mashed potatoes. On those tires, too? Straight up weird.

Alan: To be honest, while it’s pretty comfy back here, it’s not De Valz comfy or anything. It just doesn’t have the space; and as your designated middle seat guy, I have my concerns.

Maverick: Honestly, I could get used to the driving eventually. Weird as it might be, it’s not hard - and the tires do grip pretty well. Just might not be as much of a straight-up knockout as the other cars appeared - and let’s be honest, we’re all more awake now.

Marv: Jut so all you tire-kickers are aware, this is a very highly-rated car in terms of consumer satisfaction. Doesn’t break, cheap enough to fix, and Ateras don’t tend to rust much at all. I’d keep it in the running.

Alan: Please don’t tell me this one’s Japanese too…

Phil: Are you screwing with me? There was an American flag half the size of a football field in that lobby. I could probably bite this thing and taste me some apple pie.

Maverick: I’ve been looking forward to the Pantheon. They really hyped it up in that review; andit does look gorgeous, even if I don’t really care for the weird C-pillar thing it’s got going on.

Marv: If you were to show this to Eric, he’d be redder than the car with jealousy, that’s for sure. And you gotta give props, it’s not easy to make a car look majestic and still have it be competitive these days.

As the heels finish boarding the yacht-like sedan, the doors close with a solid, dull thud, the last of them coming close to clogging some ears.

Maverick: Is that quality, or what?

On the road, Mav notes that the car does seem very American - not quite as easy to drive, not very taut, not very fast. There are also rumblings from the spacious cavern behind…

Scott: You know, as much as I appreciate the extra space, a Suisei this is not. Suspension’s not as buttery smooth as the rest, and the seats are only leather. Where’s my crushed velour? Where’s my Japanese wool?

Phil: Aw, shut up! You sound as spoiled as year-old milk. This is a cheaper car, it’s got actual utilitarianism to it, and it’s a damn sight better than anything I’ve ever had.

Marv: Either way, the market’s spoken on this car. Its combination of build quality and looks makes it a prestigious and desirable vehicle even without an overly plushy interior. If nothing else, that’s just impressive.

After dropping off the splendid Sentinel, the heels pull into a fast food joint for a late lunch. At the urging of Phil, who’s anxious about his opening match appearance, they don’t stay long - and as dusk draws nearer, they enter the older parts of the city where the prestigious DCMW dealer is located.

Phil: So this is the Standard Six? Doesn’t even seem that bad to me. Room in the back, tailgate, you could almost make a tradesman’s case for it.

Scott: As always, I’m happiest when chauffeured. They even got those coach doors, make you feel like royalty.

Maverick: Yeah, too bad the car doesn’t look that regal itself. We’ve seen two good luxury hatchbacks today, this isn’t how you do it. Got a whole damn grab handle for the tailgate there. And these mirrors… I don’t know which dumpster they came from, but I’m tempted to put them right back.

Alan: And look at that front, too. Whole car’s flowy and then there’s this flat-ass vertical nose.

On the streets, the Six is able to show off its adaptive air suspension, making quick work of the myriad potholes peppered all around.

Maverick: It does drive good, I’m not saying it doesn’t. But even the French car was less lethargic, and that weighed as much as a house.

Scott: Doesn’t it bring back memories? You had that kind of engine in your little Canadian shitbox as well.

Maverick: Yeah, and just like with that car, I have to let it give me an earful so that it actually moves.

Marv: I do really like the way everything’s put together here. Maybe not haute couture, but I don’t figure it’d put a foot wrong.

Alan: I think this is a really good deal overall. Cheaper than most of them. Doesn’t have the presence of most of the others, though.

Because or perhaps in spite of Phil’s constant nagging, the heels ended their test drives with time to spare - and the hothead, after stuffing Scott and Alan into his car, went to the event. This left Maverick and Marv - in Scott’s car, no less - to contemplate the former’s vehicular future.

Marv: You’ve been thinking for a while now. In my experience, if you start by figuring out which car is least fitting, you’ll eventually work your way down to one car.

Maverick: I was just about to say… I don’t know what I want, but I don’t really want the Atera. Weird little combination of quickness and marshmallowness that I don’t really know how to go about.

5th Place: Atera Excelsis Regal - @GetWrekt01 & @HybridTronny

The outlier of a group is usually best or worst - and sadly, the Excelsis is the latter. Discounting the weird disposition of a midsize car with a very full-size wheelbase and compact wheels, the fact that it’s far and away the smallest car of the bunch compromises its space and - to a lesser extent - comfort rating. And the midsize shape doesn’t even help in the economics department, as this car uses the full budget.

Maverick: And right after that, I wanna be done with the Dalluhan car. It’s just not something I can really enjoy, and all the remaining cars have it just about matched as far as sensibility goes.

4th Place: DCMW Mujjahir Standard Six - @moroza

The DCMW is, as expected, a masterclass in optimization - a gentle front-drive cruiser with few weak spots. However, the crucial one-two of the least appealing design left in the running - alongside the second-worst prestige - basically precludes it going any higher. Also to be noted is the lethargic-for-a-fullsize 200 horsepower: each other finalist manages ~50 more.

Marv: …So you’ve ruled out two quirky, but overall very dependable and high-quality products. Can you at least tell me the French rustbucket is going next?

Maverick: I mean, I suppose-- No, wait… No, I don’t think so. I think I want to get rid of the Suisei.

Marv: Oh, God. Scotty’s gonna cuss you out for that one.

3rd Place: Suisei Tempus - @Falling_Comet

The only remaining sedan scores some interesting victories (like ending up higher on my space index than the Pantheon despite 1 less door) and soundly beats the less sporty hatchbacks in the dynamics department. All said and done though, the Tempus is in second place out of the remaining 3 in every metric - and is handily less… handsome than both. A very good effort let down by the fact that the other guys all decided to go very hard for no reason.

Marv: So what we’re looking at here is a contest between a pretty French luxoboat and a pretty American luxoboat… What’s this pattern I’m seeing?

Maverick: I did make it pretty clear I wanted something with flair. Those are both amazing rides that I would buy in a heartbeat, but here’s something I’ve noticed: When we talk about the Pantheon, we talk about it being beautiful. With the De Valz, it’s always a “beautful, but…”

Marv: Are you saying there’s no "but"s for the Pantheon?

Maverick: Apart from “but it’s not a literal king-size bed”? Not really. I’m not giving away anything in picking this beautiful bastard.

Runner-up: De Valz Celeste - @pen15

Between this car and the Pantheon, it’s very, very close. They both look great, and the Celeste does prevail in a lot of 2-star and 3-star domains, like comfort and space - where it’s the best of all the non-instabins - and fuel economy. However, the De Valz fails to step up on reliability, performance, service costs - and that all-important 4-star stat, prestige. This is why it’s second, and the Pantheon…

WINNER: Sentinel Pantheon - @vero94773 and @Kyorg

…Is first. BAH GAWD IT’S THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! In all seriousness, this is a great build visually and statistically, and before the “narrowing-down” of competition to the finals it was the favorite in raw numbers - the De Valz just manages to almost close the gap in head-to-head competition. There are few things I would change here, except for one: This would have been even more rancidly perfect had it been a V8 transverse FWD, like many American luxury cars in this era. And yes, it still would have won if so reconfigured.

Epilogue

The show was in full swing. Aerial Alan, Phenomenal Phil and their new friend, Scott Suave, won the day through typical trickery and deception, and announced their plans to dominate the wrestling territory through the addition of two seriously dangerous new addition - stay tuned and watch the next televised show to find out who they are, yadda yadda. For now, though, the cameras did not follow these despicable evildoers all the way into the parking lot - it’s not 1975, after all.

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Scott: So, this is your decision? Well, I guess it’s still leagues better than Phil’s car.

Alan: Damn, it looks absolutely mean in black!

Phil: Know what, old man? You’re alright.

Top Dozen Rankings:

  1. @Kyorg & @vero94773
  2. @pen15
  3. @Falling_Comet
  4. @moroza
  5. @GetWrekt01 & @HybridTronny
  6. @Mad_Cat & @Tsundere-kun
  7. @karhgath
  8. @IncredibleHondaFit
  9. @mart1n2005
  10. @Rise_Comics & @xsneakyxsimx
  11. @spede3
  12. @Portalkat42

Thank you all for taking part - and sorry about the annoying delay!

CSR 161 END


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This was a very interesting round, and I must say that I’m happy that I managed to get to the 6th place at least, with Tsundere-Kun

Thanks for the host and congratulations to the winners!

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