All this corrupt data. God! Sifting through what I recovered I found… a VHS tape? How does that even work?!
The tape player whirs and grinds, spitting up a few sparks from the back. Tape’s rolling. Let’s see.
“Today on Daily Turbo we’re taking a look at a well rounded premium coupe. The Adine Mist. I’ve had this base model stuffed away in our storage garage ever since the bank heisssss- I MEAN we got this back in 1985 and just haven’t used it since.”
The man on screen narrows his already furrowed brow and seems lost for a second.
“Yes, yes. The base model. Powered by a turbocharged 2.2 liter V6 making approximately 135 horsepower, this baby pulls 0-100km/h in a comfortable 8 or so seconds. The redline’s set at 6100 RPM so you still get a smile on your face if you floor it. Now, all of this may seem pretty average if you don’t consider the economy aspect. She’s a camel, I tell ya. Fill her up and she can go for days upon days. Absolutely astounding if you ask me.”
The man checks his notes.
“You’re looking at a total weight of about 1.1 tons, driver included. Not much at all for what you’re getting here. Back in '85 we got this honey for a flat 10k. Yeah, yeah. We got around the retail price. So what? I’m special!”
The man can’t seem to decide if he bought this car alone or with someone else. He’s leering around the set as if he’s looking at somebody but nobody’s there.
“YEAH! That’s right. And you know what? This car is crazy special too. I swear, this thing tore across that one corn field l-lik-k-e a-a cha-a…” FZZZZLLRRLPPPFFFLL
Damn it! Tape’s all bundled up! Hold on. Let me just… smack this thing…
FFFPLLLLRRLPF- “…a-a-gain after the Sport V6 factory conversion-kit we managed to snag. Took us a while but this is MINT! Let’s just take a look here.”
“We worked on this for months, I tell ya. So, now we’re done. Pretty much a complete performance boost overhaul. I don’t think we got the bigger 3.1 liter V6 in there right but Bubs tells me it’s as good as it’s gonna get. He ain’t here though so we can’t hear him ramble on and on about that. Always with the rambling. Guy got what he deserv-”
The man blinks rapidly and seems lost yet again.
“SO YEAH! The transverse MR setup comes with some issues when it comes to swapping and maintenance. Who knew? Anyway, she’s pulling zero to a hundred in a sleek 5 seconds now. All thanks to the transmission which swaps high top speed for maximum acceleration. The suspension takes this into consideration as well and will allow you to zip around corners like nobody’s business. Can’t catch me, can’t catch me!”
He laughs for a while.
“Hoo-boy. She’ll outrun anything. The downforce makes high speeds feel completely surreal. You just…”
He gets down on the floor, placing one hand over the other.
“SCHLOOP! It’s crazy! It’s like you’re the god of wind or something. And she’s still pretty lean. These engines, man. This one gets you a nice 220 horsepower and I’m happy to say that the weight’s about the same after the conversion, thanks to the interior being way lighter and less fancy. Redline’s at 6400 so if you like the base model you’ll just love going sport. So, the…”
Blaring sirens. The man gets up and looks distraught. He’s swearing in multiple languages as he lurches up to the camera to shut it off.
The tape ejects. Oh, there’s something written on it. Must’ve missed that. “DON EYES ONLY.” Huh.