“It’s June 1989. We’re on the Fairbane Motors test track. Let’s take a look at the Revera NR GTR!”
“We let one of the local mechanics take this yellow monstrosity out for an initial spin. His post-experience reaction, as we recall, was “BLEEEUUUAARGH!” We wanted to get this review out sooner but, you know, the guy covered us (yes, the whole crew) in vomit so we had to do some washing.”
“So, here we are! Day two on the track and we’ve decided to do this review live! I, Kurt Sondergart, will be riding shotgun while reading off of the specs sheet. My partner in commercial crime, Sture Mattfolk, will be doing the driving. He suffers from a bad case of lead-foot so this promises to be exciting. Cameras are set up and ready to go and so are we! Let’s hit it.”
“It’s… pretty… cramped. There we go! Oof. OW! Dang. These bucket seats sure do leave something to be desired. Certainly feels like a race car so far.”
We see Kurt and Sture trying to put their helmets on while not bumping the between-seats camera.
“Ungh. You good? Alright, start her up.”
Kurt turns the ignition and everything shakes as if a severe earthquake was going on.
“IT’S LOUD. REALLY, REALLY LOUD. WHAT? NO MUFFLERS? YEAH, I CAN TELL.”
Sture cuts out every now and then. The car’s just too loud. All we hear is a blaring wastegate and a pissed off engine as Kurt lightly taps the accelerator.
“ROUGHLY 3 LITER V6… BI-TURBO… AROUND 840 HORSEPOWER… VERY LOUD… UNDER ONE TON…”
The camera’s shaking so bad that everything’s constantly out of focus. We see black and yellow scrambling all over the screen as Kurt gets a feel for what the two are getting into. The revs drop and things come back into focus. We see Kurt reach for the shifter and BWOOOSH!
“SECOND GEAR… GOD…”
The camera cuts out completely. Coupled with what can only be described as the sound of multiple atomic bombs going off we hear Kurt cackling maniacally.
“…KILOMETERS PER HOUR… OVER 220… F-FOURTH GEAR…”
The siren song of a well machined drivetrain pops in between gears.
“…FASTER… MY WIFE… I LOVE HER…”
Audio finally goes dark. Guess the recording equipment gave out completely.
No one seems to know what happened after that. The crew responsible for filming the event simply don’t speak of what happened. People have tried asking, sure, but the response is always the same. A droopy face mixed with a blank stare. Kurt and Sture disappeared that day along with the car.
Some cars… may just be too sporty for mortal men.
^
