The funny folk at Gryphon Gear don’t like the look of this ICA business one bit. It reeks of something that happens when Trumpisms resonate with a resentful, fearful public and suddenly a whole lot more is invested into oppressive authoritarianism than was ever going to do good for the world. What the hell is happening to America???
At any rate, this seems to be an open invite, and as far as we can tell, none of us are actually on any ICA watch lists. Except Waxwell. What he does in his spare time ensures that he’s on every watch list of every government and international law enforcement agency in the world. But he doesn’t count since we didn’t really need his help with this project.
We figured, what the ICA wanted was more than just the time. There had to be a reason they wanted us to turn such a weak-ass car into such a weak-ass car. We’d follow the letter of their brief, sure, but we’d also make sure that it was a number of things we’re not used to here at GG: discreet, restrained, practical. To test the reception we phoned up our local conspiracy theorist loony and got him to come in and tell us what he thought.
###It looks almost exactly the same.
No shit. Aside from the intercooler job, and the stage 1 bodykit we tacked on as subtlely as we could manage (we don’t do subtle well), and also the obligatory upgraded fart cannon (unfortunately necessary), we didn’t touch the body panels.
###Then where did all the fancy tech go? The ICA guys aren’t going to be much impressed…
This is probably the minimum GG tune we’ve ever done on a car ever. It’s simply been updated to 2016 trim levels for a regular hot hatch. The block is the same, the chassis is the same (just reinforced to comply with modern road safety standards, particularly since the panels are fiberglass…)
###Why don’t you stop telling me what you kept, and start telling me what you changed?
The internals of the engine were given a tune-up. It also scored a turbo, so now it develops an adequate 286bhp, which will at least let it keep pace with a Golf GTi. The transmission is now a sequential single clutch manual (dual clutch is too heavy for this light application). The wheels are 2016 sport wheel dimensions. The suspension was overhauled. There’s an undertray to help reduce drag and lift along with the lips. Imagining some anonymous suit sitting on 30 year upholstery was a bit much, so we had to replace the seats. We also replaced the cassette player, since nobody uses those anymore, and everybody wants to shout at their subordinates via Bluetooth. Basically this car is now tolerable for four anonymous agents in 2016.
###At least tell me you did something magical with the track performance?
It passes the brief. No more, no less. And it wasn’t expensive either, we just chucked in spare parts from other cars!
###What have you done with the real Gryphon Gear!? Have they already been abducted? Don’t think I don’t know what’s really going on here!
Your mum called. She says you’re going to be late for dinner.
