Given the hatchback, I guess I’ll say it: Korea
Planar’s Australian if you somehow missed my strayaposting elsewhere :^)
I don’t know if my car is really a sedan but TIO is Canadian
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Backstory, Part 1
September 15, 1977, mid-morning. Internationale Automobil-Ausstellung [exhibition] No.47, Frankfurt am Main, Bundesrepublik Deutschland.
“Frau Schulz, hello! Come in! Welcome, all!”
Now in the relative quiet of the corner office, away from the massive crowds outside, Magda turned to her family and made the introduction, “This is Roland Warsteiner, director of the IAA exhibition. I’m honored that he invited us here personally.” Turning to him, she continued, “Herr Warsteiner, these are my family: my husband Stefan, my children Anke and Bruno.”
A round of pleasantries, then Roland suddenly began shuffling some papers on his desk.
"First, before I forget, let me give you your Special Press pass. It’ll give you much more official and unofficial access to the exhibits, certainly being able to sit in them, probably to arrange a short-notice testdrive if available.
"This is a special year for the industry and the exhibition. The crisis and gloom of recent whiles have turned into comeback and glory. By economic measures, our sector has finally recovered - German automakers are on track to make a record four million vehicles this year. By spiritual measures, the recovery has been no lesser - dynamic performance has at last returned to the automotive Zeitgeist, this time with more efficiency and more sophistication. The culture is rejuvenated, reinvigorated, reborn… and this 47th fair is coming to be a symbol of it all. Neither surprise nor coincidence is it that there’s a record number of attendees; we estimate half a million over the course of this week.
“Which, unfortunately, is causing some logistical headaches I have to sort out urgently. So regrettably, I will be unable to give you much of a tour, at least not today. There’s a lot to see of all manner of mobility technology. From what you described to me of what you’re looking for personally, it’s spread out over a few halls, but primarily 1D and 5A. Also in 4A, but that hall is temporarily closed for emergency repairs.”
“Oh, what happened?”
“Someone tried to display a Formula 1 car in the GT section. While that would not be allowed in the first place, they also attempted to drive it on its own power. An F1 car. Indoors. And the best part: by someone not actually trained to drive the damn thing. They nearly made it through a large window, destroying the car and the window in the process. Nobody was hurt, at least physically, but repairing the window will take a day or two.”
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1. Instabin №1: F1 car by @DrDoomD1scord
Reason: because racecar.
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Backstory, Part 2
“Any other problems?”
“Yes. There were three cars, one a mystery and two from the Eastern Bloc - the former almost qualified, one of the latter almost didn’t, and the other confiscated by the local police on order of the TÜV, but eventually released. The first case was the victim of a bizarre set of circumstances I daren’t begin to explain, so we’ve instructed our staff to be sympathetic and patient with that exhibit while it gets dismantled. The latter two… well, you’ll see. They happen to be just to the right out of my office, fourth and fifth exhibits down. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I have some fires to put out, thankfully not yet literal ones.”
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2. Instabin №2, with honorable mention / consolation prize: OXXRON Midget by @quiz
Reason: technically entered, but for the wrong installment of the challenge. Out of sympathy, we won’t set on fire any of its three versions, including the Firebreather.
“Does what it says on the box.”
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Backstory, Part 3
With another round of pleasantries, Magda and family stepped out of the office into the main aisle of Hall 4. Roland wasn’t kidding; the Frankfurter Messe venue, massive and sprawling as it is, had a temporary population density rivaling downtown Tokyo.
Anke spoke first, “I’m curious to see these problem cars. Can we?”
“A bit of Schadenfreude, Anke? Well, we’re just browsing for now, so why not?”
Four exhibits to the right, the sight they came across was certainly more Schade than Freude…
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3. Mara Hussar 4.0 SKE by @AndiD
“Are some of the staff using this exhibit space for parking? Or why else is … wait, this is a real exhibit? To be blunt, this simply doesn’t belong here. Yes, we’re browsing, but I’m not here to waste my time.”
The square, stoic face of the Mara Hussar 4.0 SKE blankly stared back at them, as figuratively grey as it was literally a dull off-yellow, tacitly declaring as much agreement as indifference.
There’s bringing a knife to a gunfight, and then there’s this… a broken bottle. A plastic bottle. An emptied fifth of the bottommost-shelf vodka in all of Archana. Magda isn’t going to waste her time with what’s essentially an overgrown Moskvich with a drinking problem (GAZ 21? At least in style, the Volga utterly dwarfs this). Scoring absolutely dead last in 8 out of 12 categories, including an epic Zero Point Zero sportiness, it is nevertheless not without its merits. That is, apart from providing context for cars costing nearly quadruple that still manage to lose to the Hussar in one - or worse, several - of the remaining four criteria. And apart from lowering property values and therefore taxes wherever it’s parked. In its own right, though, while the styling leaves much to be desired, its basic shape and proportions are actually ok, and it does have the lowest service costs (not by much) and above-average reliability (slightly) for the segment. The problem is that it’s completely the wrong segment. Buying this for her next car would leave Magda 12200DM further from her goal. Does technically follow the rules, and therefore not binned or torched, but… no. Nein. N’et. Next.
Design concept: for this context, F
Design execution: C-
Engineering concept: F
Engineering execution: C+. Hit and miss. Some clever optimizations, some sloppy unfinished finetuning. Good enough to be functional but leaves a lot on the table even accounting for its budget, let alone a higher one. A manual transmission and some no-cost brake, suspension, and engine revisions would make it a decent car in its own right, though even Mara can’t work the kind of miracle that’d make a $12200 car competitive in a $42000 segment.
A shining example of: The wrong tool for the job.
Verdict: Declined. Ranked 19th/19.
4. Walf Elite V8 307 by @karhgath
“Next” was quite close, though the four still took a while to shove through the crowd to get closer to what eventually came into view: exhibit staff hastily peeling the remains of impound sticker residue off a Walf Elite V8 307.
“What’s that smell?”
Magda eyed the Walf for a moment, first from one angle, then another. She answered Stefan’s silent expression of curiosity, “Whenever I change my focus from the whole to the details, there’s a bit of perceptional dissonance, as if I’m not sure I’m looking at the same thing.”
Stefan, the architect, ventured an explanation, “The styling of the front and the back is very cohesive and well-executed, and fits the lower body. Their rather upright theme also works with the greenhouse. But despite sharing a theme and a mutual friend, so to speak, the greenhouse and the lower body are mutual strangers; neighbors, at best. Details, especially the rear fascia, are well-crafted, but the whole is oddly proportioned; the greenhouse is very short, so rear passenger room is dubious. And seriously, what’s that smell?”
Monty Python- Cheese Shop - YouTube
“Let’s see how well this Special Press pass works…” Magda held it up and approached the exhibit staff. Before she got a word out, two attendants jumped to and opened the rope fence for her with polite greetings. “Why, thank you. I wonder if you can tell me what happened with it? Something about the TÜV, these stickers, and that smell…?”
The two looked at each other nervously, then one turned around to get the attention of a third who was cleaning the last of some residue off the windshield. Three handed the cleaning supplies to Two, opened the car, and extracted a manila folder with some documents, handing it to Magda with a brief summary, "The TÜV took issue with some of our engineering choices. The first two inspectors both felt that a car of this weight and type needed power steering. They also didn’t like the rear brake setup. Our engineers argued that it was all perfectly legal and usable, but it took summoning the local TÜV supervisor before the argument prevailed.
“I see,” Magda replied, scanning first the impound form, then the car’s spec sheet. “Odd, but aside from that, most of this actually looks quite competitive.” One of the first two attendants had been standing by the rear door, and gestured to Magda an invitation to sit inside. Stefan’s guess was correct - access was a bit better than their Waldersee, but not by much, and actual legroom no better despite an extra 19cm of wheelbase.
“The styling is neither a dealbreaker nor -maker, the back seat is a bit of a problem, but the car shows promise. It’s the first serious one we’ve seen, so there isn’t much context to compare it to. I’m going to keep it in mind and maybe come back to it.”
Design concept: C-. In a 7-series segment, it’s a 5-series wheelbase morphed into 3-series cabin room. Looks, aerodynamics (IRL, not in game), and passenger comfort suffer for it.
Design execution: B+. The front and especially the back are well done.
Engineering concept: C is for Cheese. Cave-aged Venezuelan beaver cheese. The manual rack is a big boost to stats, and by 1978 would be at best questionable on a car of this type and price point. That said, even with a hydro rack, the stats are very competitive, held back but not ruined by the looks. 17" rims with 50 profile rubber is also eyebrow-raising, though legal. And why are the rear brakes solid rotors but multi-piston calipers?
Engineering execution and verdict: To be continued…
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Part 4
“Let’s see, where to next… Bruno? What’s wrong?”
“Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just having a hard time with how crowded this place is.”
“Maybe seeing something interesting would take your mind off of that. Magda, dear, you’ve got the exhibit map; where are we, where do we want to go, and which way?”
“We’re in 5D. The nearest of the halls the director mentioned is 5A: the foreign sedan section. The shortest path also leads through the off-roaders section.”
The IAA was nominally an automobile exhibition, but in practice displayed a wide range of mobility technology. And even within the car domain, there was quite a variety. As Magda and family made their way through the crowds, they came across an exhibit for the new Range Rover, where Barbara Siehl and Fritz Busch, both professional acquaintances of Magda, were just finishing up a video report. They spotted Magda and waved her over. Though they were in a bit of a rush and couldn’t talk for long, Magda told them about the Walf, and their response was unanimous: “Though not without its flaws, it drives much better than it looks.”
As they departed from the Range Rover display, Anke asked, “Didn’t Opa have a Land Rover at one point?”
Stefan answered, “Indeed he did. He was never too excited about road cars, but had a penchant for off-road driving. That ancient, clapped-out Series 1 died ages ago, and he’d be amused to see something with that kind of capability but more comfortable. However…” They came upon an exhibit for a 6-wheeled all-terrain… thing, apparently amphibious too.
IAA 1977 - Saab Turbo | Rover 3.5 | Range Rover | Mazda RX-5 | De Tomaso Pantera (1/3) - YouTube
(skip to the 11:30 mark to see the Attex 500)
“…not half as tickled as he would be to see this. He had a small fleet of Kettenkrads left over from the war, of which maybe one ran at any given point. In fact, I think there’s still two and a half of them in his backyard. You know, I think he’d like to see this. I’m going to go find a payphone and likely go get him. Will you wait for me here?”
Bruno interjected, “Can I go too? The crowds are really getting to me. And I haven’t seen Oma in a while.”
Anke added, “I’d like to see her too!”
Magda spoke, “Alright, I don’t mind wandering by myself for a bit, though I’d like your input, Stefan, on anything I seriously consider. Let’s see… say we meet at the southeast entrance at noon?”
Before continuing to hall 5A, Magda doubled back to arrange a testdrive of the Walf. The staff were eager to oblige, but said that the floor model would not be available until the exhibition ended, and while they had additional models, they were still coming out of impound and would become available later this afternoon at the earliest. She agreed to check back this afternoon, then continued to 5A.
The crowds, if anything, had gotten even denser since they arrived, and she had yet to cross a hall without running into at least one colleague or other professional acquaintance, most of whom wanted to chat. Poor Bruno; this was an introvert’s nightmare.
Standing with a dozen others waiting for an elevator, she casually scanned the group, then did a double-take at the same time as the target of hers did the same.
“Magda Schulz?”
“Dr. Ursula Pa… uh…”
“Panzerstrudelüberprüfungsmeßermeier von Neunschwanzstein, but I prefer to dispense with the formalities; just ‘Ursula’, if you will. I’d’ve been surprised not to run into you here eventually. How goes?”
“Well, then just ‘Magda’. I’m doing quite well, here for the usual professional reasons, but also for personal ones - I’m on a quest to find a worthy successor for our 68 Waldersee Lancier. And yourself?”
Ursula nodded. “That was formidable competition for us back in its day. 80-90% of our Fenrir model at less than half the price, and more reliable too. I’m here for professional reasons, mostly. Norðwagen pulled out of the market several years ago, but now that the industry has recovered, we’re staging a return, tentatively next year. I’m here to size up the competition, especially in the Luxury and GT segments.”
“Hah, those are exactly what I’m looking at! Would you like to join me? I mostly know what the spec sheets mean, but the perspective of a professional engineer would be welcome.”
“Of course.”
“We exited this market at about the same time as we tried the American market, massive and wealthy as it is… materially, that is. Its laws and culture have been, to put it politely, learning opportunities. As far as laws, they not only have quite onerous emissions regulations, but in recent years they’ve pulled such absurd stunts as seatbelt-ignition interlocks, threatened to ban convertibles, and some politicians even started talking about banning high-performance vehicles outright. And as far as culture, well… here’s a self-explanatory example that just about says it all…”
At the sight of this, both of their heads sank into facepalms, which deepened upon hearing the exhibit presenter, dressed in a suit matching the car’s livery, proclaiming through a mouth the size of the car’s grill and at a volume that would fail a TÜV inspection something in rapid English. Doing their best to ignore him, the facepalms resumed upon reading the name:
“Seriously, this is what they bring? Oh, wait, there’s a normal-looking one over there, and farther from the Großmaul as well.”
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5. Bellomont Amalfi Signature d’Elegance german spec not really by @LS_Swapped_Rx-7
“Stylistically, it’s not to my taste, but I have to give due credit: this is a sharp-looking car, and very modern without being futuristic. Let’s see if my Pass will get you in as well…”
“I’ve got one too.” Ursula pulled out her laminated card.
A thankfully much more restrained attendant welcomed them inside the display and said, in English but slowly and clearly, “Feel free to look inside, under the hood as well if you like. Here are the spec sheets.”
“The build quality, at least from apperances, is surprisingly good. Very small panel gaps, all the lines are straight.” Magda opened and closed one of the doors. “And the doors feel like a bank vault! Then again, it could be a ‘ringer’ made just for the show. Very well-executed design, anyway, and solidly built. Let’s see inside…”
“Ah yes, Whorehouse Red, as is becoming fashionable these days. Not a bad place to sit… my, my, look at this stitching. These are some properly high-quality materials and crafting. At least someone in America still remembers how to make nice things. But why are the armrests backwards? I suppose to prove that this isn’t a special made for the show? Other than that detail, I’m impressed. Not sold, but impressed.”
“I, however, am not,” Ursula countered as she finished reading the spec sheet. "It’s all show and no go. For starters, despite over a liter more displacement and a much more modern fuel system than your decade-old Lancier, it somehow manages to make less power, which it routs through an ancient and inefficient 3-speed non-overdrive slushbox. The power problem appears to be largely due to the camshaft profile, though both the intake and especially the exhaust are low-flow types and quite restricted on top of that. I understand they have domestic-market emissions requirements, but for a car this expensive sold in Germany, I don’t understand why they didn’t retune it.
With the cams and the EFI, one would expect it to therefore be quite thermally efficient, but it manages a merely-ok 19.7%, and with the deadful transmission and over 1700kg of weight, consumption is rather bad - 14.1mpg (US).
The engine has some very high-quality components but is an ancient design - all-iron and with pushrods. I’ve seen such engine architecture tuned well, and this is not an example.
On the plus side, the engine it appears to be very reliable, indexed at 76.0. Quiet, too; with all the restrictions and quality, effective loudness is a whisper-like 19.6, very impressive. Not especially smooth, though.
Moving on to the rest of the mechanicals… no Go, and no Stop or Turn, either. The brakes… I have no idea how this managed to pass TÜV. The fronts are fine but the rears are not only drums, but also undersized. The components appear to be very high-quality but woefully inadequate for this car, even with its mediocre performance, even in the land of 55mph. On the Autobahn, forget it; 43 whole meters to stop from 100!
Nor does it turn well. The suspension tune is on the soft side, with significantly unbalanced spring rates, excessive roll angle, and mediocre grip…"
“I think I’ve seen enough. This may be good enough for cruising down Sunset Boulevard, but it doesn’t belong on the Autobahn. Nor, despite excellent build quality, in my driveway. Let’s go.”
18th/19: Bellomont Amalfi Signature d’Elegance german spec not really by @LS_Swapped_Rx-7
Design concept: A
Design execution: A
Engineering concept: C-
Engineering execution: D+. By small margins, the most reliable and quietest car here, with the laziest throttle response. Also in second place for: slowest, least sporty, longest stopping distance, worst brake fade, least performance relative to consumption, lowest drivability (not by much), safest (nominally), least environmentally resistant, lowest performance relative to service costs, and tied for second-worst roll angle.
A shining example of: a good static display. An actual typical American car from 1978, except a lot better-built. Something that may be good enough for America, but we don’t all live in America.
Verdict: Declined. Ranked 18th/19.
6. ACR Seawolf 500S by @shibusu
“I think I’ve time for one more before I have to meet Stefan and his father at the southeast gate. Let’s see, what’s the nearest interesting thing…?”
“How about another American?”
“It had better be half-decent, or I’ll be put off from American cars forever.”
“Ok, how about… Dutch, apparently? Sure looks interesting. The ACR Seawolf 500S.”
"Very tall greenhouse; looks like the Popemobile. The lowered eyelids are quite distinctive. Definitely gives it a personality, a rather polite one, that combined with the restrained but elegant front and the… " Magda glanced at the spec sheet and raised an eyebrow. “… three hundred twenty horsepower out of a V12… amounts to pretty good Überholprestige and the substance to back that up. Now, the Walf has even more, but I’m pretty skeptical of that rear seat, so I’m classing it more with the coupes than the bigger sedans. And that makes the ACR the first proper Autobahn sedan I’ve seen.”
“I suppose people would move out of the way for the Popemobile?” Ursula joked. “But that kind of power sure doesn’t hurt its case, eh?”
“What’s going on with the rear wheels?”
A massively tall and charmingly friendly representative spoke, “Hello, ladies! Pardon me, I couldn’t help but overhear you wondering about the wheel covers. Would you like a tour?”
“Sure!”
“I am Joost Jonkers, liaison from ACR’s luxury division. This car represents several major strides in ACR’s product line development. First, an image shift away from solid but unprestigious sedans like that one over there.” He pointed to another ACR display.
“Stylistically, we’ve taken cues from luxury ocean liners, and functionally, from our aeronautical business. With aeronautical engineering comes the problem of aerodynamic drag; we strove to apply the same principles to the Seawolf as we apply to aircraft. This resulted in a coefficient of drag of a mere 0.35, which includes the cooling for the large V12 engine. The wheel covers you asked about are an essential part of this approach. So, despite its size, it has less drag than an NSU Ro 80, and a lot more power than one. It’ll do over 280kph if you keep your foot down.”
“Sounds indeed like a proper Bahnstormer. What else?”
“Unlike many luxury cars, we have not let the focus on creature comforts take away from practicality. That’s why…” Joost inserted and turned a key in the back, and continued, “… it is a liftback, not a sedan. It’s not only more space, but it’s easier to access including from inside the car.”
“Ah, good for road trips. And general daily use,” Magda mused approvingly.
Joost went to the driver’s door, opened it, and gestured at the steering wheel. "This is the latest in safety technology - an airbag that inflates in case of a severe collision. While the dashboard is padded, this provides an extra cushion of safety, pun intended. We believe this is a good few years ahead of the competition, along with all other safety features, like highly strengthened door beams and a passenger cell similar in strength to the cockpits of our attack aircraft.”
“As for the engine… ma’am, I see you’ve been studying the spec sheet quite intensively. Do you have any questions?”
“I was hoping to see a BSFC chart as well as a gear ratio spread, but there’s only the latter.”
“I, uh… BSFC? Are you an engineer, by chance?”
“You might say that… I’m the Chief Technology Officer at Norðwagen.”
“Oh, goodness… in that case, please excuse me; my engine presentation would be rather below your grade. And I see both of your Passes. Please, feel free to look the vehicle over inside and out for as long as you like. I’ll be here if you have any questions.”
“Thank you, Joost.”
Magda’s stomach spoke before she did. “Honestly, I’ve seen enough, this time in a good way. I’m hungry and it’s approaching noon anyway. Ursula, would you like to join us for lunch?”
“Certainly!”
Magda then walked over to Joost. “When might I arrange a testdrive?”
“For you, Ms. Schulz, immediately if you like; we have four demonstration vehicles parked outside. I couldn’t help overhear your stomach. Depending on where you had plans for lunch, would you like to take one of the cars there and back?”
“Indeed I would. But first, I’ve to meet my party at the southeast entrance, rather soon.”
“Here you are, then - the keys, and a small map showing where they’re parked. Enjoy!”
Design and engineering: TBD
Verdict: worth a testdrive.
10 Likes
Troll complete, return to HQ. (I am not paying damages)
11 Likes
1. ACR Seawolf 500S by @shibusu
“Somewhere in this sea of cars lurks a pack of Seawolves, and it would just be so awfully nice if the map could correspond to reality sooner or later…” Magda sardonically grumbled, walking past the same point for at least the third time.
“Here they are!” Stefan called from a couple of rows away. “Found them!”
The ACR Seawolf 500S embodied its nautical theme very well, in its streamlined design; in its sea grey color; in the organic, flowing shapes in parts of the interior [OOC: though the door cards look far too modern]. The steering wheel and dashboard area, though conventionally shaped, had a vague feel of a ship’s helm. The state-of-the-art CRT display also resembled the bridge of something with a staffed engine room more than a typical car of the era. At the same time, the large consoles oriented towards the driver gave it an aircraft feel. Masterful blend of sea and air in the theme, Magda thought.
That thought may or may not have had an elaboration to it later, but at the moment the main thought was food. Just hopping in and going would be a partial test of the car’s daily drivability, and on the way back they’d take the scenic route and test its performance. She unlocked the doors - power locks, fancy stuff - and opened the driver’s, its smoothness and precision ranking comparably to the exquisite Bellomont’s. She got in with some haste, then took a moment to make a note of controls and switches while Ursula, Stefan, and Stefan’s father Olaf figured out seating arrangements.
“The back seat is surprisingly a bit cramped, considering the car’s size,” reported Stefan, observing his father’s increasingly comical attempts to install his 195cm frame.
“Oh, it’s ok, I’ll be fine, I…ehhh… oofffff… EHHH…ow. Ok, no, you’re right, this is too small for me.” Olaf extracted himself from halfway installed, and tried the front passenger seat instead.
“This works, barely, but now nobody can sit behind me. Meanwhile I’ve got at least 8-10cm surplus headroom.”
Ursula chimed in, “Despite its overall dimensions, the Seawolf is on a 2.6m wheelbase; a hand’s width longer than your Lancier. Now, I see how these seats could be better arranged with respect to the chassis to improve legroom, though I’d have to look at the suspension myself to determine by how much. Anyway, I’ll squeeze in behind Herr Jansen, it’s alright.”
With everyone’s backsides making friends with the high-grade leather and padding beneath them, a turn of the key produced a muffled whirr and a soft, rich hum from the forecastle engine bay.
In gear. A turn of the tiller wheel, and the Seawolf set sail accelerated with a smoothness and grace befitting a capital flagship. This was what 40-something grand got you: refinement.
“This is very easy to drive. Visibility is fantastic, the steering feels well-balanced and high-quality, the brakes feel perfectly balanced, the gearing spread is thought-through and the transmission responsive, and the suspension feels… well, actually, that one I can’t quite put my finger on. Ursula, any insights?”
"It rides as if the springs are perfectly balanced to each other, and the shocks to each other, but not the former to the latter; it’s underdamped. Makes for this lovely marshmallow ride at lower speeds, but at higher speeds becomes excess body motions, bad both for driver’s control and everyone’s comfort.
As a general principle, the faster you go, the more damping and spring rate the suspension should have, and it’s always best if the rates all balance each other. I can tell the rates were set very precisely, but to different targets for springs and shocks.
Neither feel very firm. I can’t imagine it’s too engaging to drive?"
Magda replied, “At least not in this sort of routine driving, no. I’m taking it easy for this leg, though; might push it a little on the way back and see if it wakes up then, but in this mode it’s very smooth, comfortable, nice to be in and look at while it wafts you along on a cloud… but I find part of me antsy and bored, wanting for just a bit more more mechanical interaction. I do see that Olaf’s fallen asleep, but he only fits in the front…”
Stefan replied to this, “Let’s make this a standard pair of tests for sedans: does my dad fit in the back? Does he fall asleep riding in it?”
They reached their restaurant hungry but relaxed, in good spirits, and in good time.
To lunch was some 10km of faster city roads. From lunch would be about 35km, about half of it unrestricted Autobahn. Ursula insisted on first stopping at a gas station to check tire pressures - sure enough, they were aired for Dutch speed limits, not higher speeds - and wheel bolts - all good. By now, Magda had a good feel for the car, was freshly fed, and ready to see what it could do while still hauling three passengers. Carefully avoiding triggering the kickdown switch, she rolled on the throttle gradually on the on-ramp. Nobody said a word for the next 30 seconds or so, captivated by the baritone chorus permeating the cabin, at just the right volume to be pleasant without intruding. And what a song! Not wild and passionate like a sports car wailing an aria, but soothing, reassuring, like a lounge singer crooning a ballad. It perfectly fit the car’s expression: relaxed yet confident, mellow yet ever so vaguely intimidating.
Stefan, in the back left seat, broke the silence. “This is the other thing that 40k+ gets you: a noise like that. And a ride like this… Say, how fast are we going?”
“About 210kph at the moment, but feels like less than half that, huh? Traffic is surprisingly light and what there is, is moving along at a decent pace… hello, what’s this?”
A large, angular black form appeared in her rearview in an unnervingly short time, flashing powerful highbeams. As any proper and polite German driver, she indicated a right turn, and merged to the right at the first safe opportunity. The black form snorted as its front rose, roaring past them. Running out of lane, Magda signalled left, then quickly cancelled and braked instead, as another form entered the rearview in an even shorter time. This one was red and much smaller. As it too flew past with an infernal racket, Magda barely caught a glimpse of it, focussed instead on matching speed in her lane.
“What the hell were those?”
“The black one looked vaguely familiar. I think it’s a new domestic sedan, but I’m not sure. The small red one, I have no idea.”
Checking to see if there was a third car coming, she swung out into the left lane and persevered with the thin pedal, but even after seeing 270+, never saw either car.
Olaf remained asleep the whole time.
Walking back from the parking lot, Stefan asked, “So, what do we think?”
“I’m very glad I drove it; I’ve been in similar cars before but few and far between. The perspective is valuable, and it’s well-designed, well-made, and very competent, but ultimately not what I’m after. Here’s why: It’s just a bit too short to be a full-sized sedan for our purposes, but way too soft and sedate to be a GT. The nautical theme unfortunately extends to the suspension - at speed, it’s a boat riding big waves. And the looks: the lower and upper body flow better than the Walf, but the proportions are still odd.”
Design concept: A
Design execution: B+.
Strong attention to detail, though some surfaces look a bit blank and minimalistic. The whole looks well thought-out and thoughtfully arranged… with some nits to pick: The center and door armrests are at different heights. The rear seats could be further back, probably the biggest functional criticism. Most of all, the greenhouse… it’s not bad as such, and would work on a longer wheelbase (which it could well use regardless), but this height with this length and width make it look quite peaky. It’s also excessive: above the tallest mannequin sitting reasonably in the driver’s seat, there’s some 10cm or more headroom remaining, before any seat adjustments are necessary.
Engineering design: B-
Engineering execution: A-
A shining example of: a thematically cohesive car done right. A suspension meticulously and correctly tuned to the wrong note, so to speak.
Verdict: Declined. Rank TBA.
2. Rosanda Sechs by @MrdjaNikolen
Having returned the key to the Seawolf, the browsing didn’t have far to go for its next object of interest. Silhouetted against some bright lights, a large boxy fastback looked appealing, though as they approached it, more and more details looked strange or altogether absent.
“What’s going on with the bumpers? The wheels look rather small and tucked, as well.”
There were no attendants at this exhibit to ask, but Magda spotted a folder labeled “spec sheets” and grabbed a copy, looking it over with Ursula and Stefan.
“If you thought the Seawolf was nautical enough… this is a proper ship. Over 8 degrees of lean, and some of the sloppiest suspension rate tuning I’ve seen recently.”
“The body’s an alright shape, but has little detail, and what there is seems haphazardly fitted.”
“It looks like it should be decently smooth and comfortable, but chassis responsiveness just isn’t there. Tire grip is quite low, and the brakes are almost as bad as the Bellomont’s. Most of the rest is middling to mediocre, though reliability appears to be excellent. I can’t find drag/aero data, but based on the power, speed, and economy, it appears to have good aerodynamics.”
“Yes, it does; I see full cladding underneath.”
“Very low sportiness rating in spite of a manual transmission and an exhaust over twice as big as it needs to be. A few things contribute, not the least of which is a 14.7kg flywheel, somewhat excessive for a 4L V8, that hurts driving characteristics far more than it helps comfort.”
“I don’t see what it has going for it other than the basic large hatch design. I don’t think I’m interested.”
Design Concept: D+. Not much design at all…
Design Execution: D+. …and what there is is poorly done.
Engineering Concept: B+. The basic dough is sound…
Engineering Execution: C-. …but far from sufficiently baked.
Verdict: Declined. Ranked 17th/19.
3. Planar SM40 Danazine F6S by @lotto77
“Now this looks properly baked, visually at least.”
“My first impression was more Weird than Good, but that balance is shifting the more I look at it. Those rear buttresses tie it together at the same time as they liberate it from a generic three-box cookie-cutter mold. Must be French…?”
“Huh, no - Australian.”
A flash of their Passes, and all four approached the car.
“Impressive build quality, comparable to the Bellomont and Seawolf. Let’s see what’s inside…”
“Just like the outside - cohesive, funky, a bit weird, well-executed. Olaf, would you test it for legroom, please?”
The old man, remarkably sprightly, had no trouble getting in the front or the back without touching the seat adjustments. The wheelbase was on the short side for the class - 2.7m - but efficiently used.
“Headroom isn’t the most generous, but it’ll do, while legroom is quite good, and the seats themselves are just superb. My eyesight isn’t the best, but I think the rest of you need to see this interior up close.”
“Oh wow, it took getting close to it to really see, but this is not only on par with anything else we’ve seen for quality, it’s distinctly hand-made too. A lot of areas that from a distance look minimalistic or featureless are actually richly decorated, in a subtle and ultimately quite tasteful way, and build & materials quality is stellar.”
“Looking quite promising so far. Ursula, what can you gather from the spec sheet?”
“A less extreme version of the Bellomont - not exactly no Go, but it’s not great. Neither are the Stop and Turn. Looks somewhat properly tuned, but there’s room for improvement in both the footwork and the engine. It makes almost exactly as much power as your Waldersee, but has significantly better aerodynamics, slightly better efficiency… only slightly because it uses mechanical fuel injection while most competitors have switched to electronic… Oh, and then there’s this: it inexplicably uses a Mid-Performance intake. Some quick back-of-the-envelope math…”
She scribbled some equations, chewed on her pencil for a moment, and concluded, "Compared to having a properly sized Standard Mid intake, and the rest of the engine held constant, if that Performance one added more than 5-10hp, I’ll eat my shoes. Meanwhile, the cost isn’t just in upfront purchase, service, and reliability - which this kind of car can easily tolerate - but it adds significant noise - which it can’t. Should be well within legal limits, but the kind of level you’d expect on a much sportier car than this softly-sprung and not very powerful automatic.
Also, while there isn’t anything wrong with this as such, a rear suspension more sophisticated than the front - double-wishbone and Mac strut, respectively - is a bit weird. Are you sure it’s not a French car…?"
“French expats in Oz, pehaps? So is it worth a try?”
“The exterior, interior, and expected ride are good, superlative, and decent respectively, but it loses too much sportiness and tries to gain it back simply by being loud, which does little but further draw attention to the fact that by this segment’s standards, it’s rather slow. As lovely as it is to be inside - with the engine off, at least - I’ll pass.”
Design Concept: A
Design Execution: A
Engineering Concept: C+
Engineering Execution: C-
A shining example of: the importance of cohesive and compatible engineering choices. There are ways for posh + loud to coexist, but posh + loud + floaty + slow isn’t a workable combination.
Verdict: Declined. Rank TBA.
4. Martinet Correur II by @Ch_Flash
“Now this one must be French, yes?”
“Oui, monsieur,” replied the attendant of the display. “But we are an internationally diverse company. We find this keeps eccentric national idiosyncrasies from getting out of hand.”
“It does look well-balanced, like it was designed by a committee, but a well-organized one that knew how to build consensus and not succumb to tyranny by majority.”
“Visually, it’s far from the loudest declaration of superiority, but it’s tasteful, well-proportioned… I dare say handsome. Looks respectable, not opulent. The wheels are… daring, yet somehow work with the whole. And inside…?”
“Plenty of wheelbase and good, efficient use of it - legroom is cavernous, headroom ok.”
“They sure like big chunks of wood.”
“We’re off to a good start. Then again, apart from the staff, so was the Bellomont… what’s the hardware like on this one?”
"Somewhat solid and competent, nothing special either way, rather a Quaalude dispenser - fairly softly sprung, though suspension balance is ok; overly soft swaybars, tied with the Bellomont for second-worst lean (7.7) after the Rosanda. Third lowest power per efficiency and power per service costs. The former is despite the decent 21% thermal efficiency, entirely due to being very short-geared, at nearly 3000rpm at 110kph. The engine is very quiet, third best in fact, but being a fairly responsive V6, not as smooth as most competitors (54.5). Combined with highway RPMs… it’s not paint-shaker bad, but a far cry from the likes of the Seawolf. Worse, the gearing doesn’t save it from being the third-slowest car by most measures.
For what it lacks in Go, at least it can stop - the brakes aren’t quite optimized, but nevertheless are the best we’ve seen so far for stopping distance (36.2m) and fade (none). Pads are on the aggressive side, though this hardly puts a dent in its solid comfort rating.
Steering and handling are competent, let down somewhat by using recirculating-ball steering rather than a rack. The hydropneumatic suspension contributes to its comfort, but in this case probably hurts its sportiness more, with the result that it’s the fourth-lowest."
“In the end, it amounts to a variation on the same theme as the Planar - good-looking and comfortable ointment with a fly of an engine in it: by this segment’s standards, a loud one in the Planar, a rough one in the Martinet, both made worse by clashing with the soft poshness of the rest of the car, and worse still for being comparatively slow anyway. Respectable, but I’ll pass.”
Design concept: A
Design execution: A
Engineering concept: B-
Engineering execution: C+
Verdict: Declined. Rank TBA.
5. Swanson 555 SL by @Ludvig
“I didn’t know Swanson made luxobarges…”
“Oh, they do. I’ve written about them before. Not their best-known products, but the ones I’ve seen have been every bit as stylish, competent, and cost-effective as the rest of their lineup. This appears to be no exception… starting with ‘stylish’. Wow! Sheer size doesn’t hurt, but even aside from that, this thing has presence.”
“Definitely on the ornate side, nothing like the Martinet, but the blend of brutalist sharp angles with subtle curves in just the right places… it works. Visually bold and cohesive. This is by far the best-looking of what we’ve seen so far.” The others nodded in agreement.
“Hello! Sowrrry aboot the rope fence. I see your Passes; come on up and check it out, eh?” The attendant’s accent was unmistakable, even speaking German.
The four got in - Olaf in the back, promptly making use of the reclining seats with footrests. Magda at the driver’s seat, exploring the switchgear. Ursula also in the back, engrossed in the spec sheet, and Stefan in the front right, studying the curves of the lacquered wood dashboard.
“This too appears to be all hand-made. Not quite as high-quality as the Planar, but in its league, and rather more spacious.”
“This has a manual transmission! I knew this already from other Swansons, but this was clearly designed by and for enthusiasts, except here they’ve added La-Z-Boys in the back and dressed it up outside… my cup of tea! What do the specs say? They’d have to be pretty bad to earn a pass at this rate.”
“Well, let me find the worst of it, then… Uhm… I’d have to look at the engine to be sure, but there’s a massive flat-six with what I suspect is difficult spark plug access. There appears to be a small amount of brake fade… the flywheel is on the heavy side… and I’m struggling to come up with anything else, even though we’re well in nitpicking territory. The engineering seems quite solid overall.”
“Any good news or is it just milquetoast mediocrity?”
“Oh, there’s good news alright. Where do I begin…With 370hp, it’s comfortably the most powerful car we’ve seen, apart from whatever flew by earlier today. It manages this without extreme displacement (5.5L is big for a six, not especially for this class), noise, roughness, unreliability, questionable technology, undue thirst, or any tricks I can spot other than good old engineering skill, though the size of the engine does smell faintly of cheese. The engine is significantly oversquare, medium-hot cammed, and uses mechanical injection with ITB, yet remains decently efficient at 20.9%.”
“Can you explain the significance of thermal efficiency as such? Why pay attention to it apart from bottom-line fuel consumption?”
“Consumption on the order of the whole vehicle assumes a fixed set of operating parameters - what’s held constant, more or less, is absolute power required. If you intend to drive a car in a predetermined way - say, obeying a national speed limit, - overall consumption is the most useful metric to compare two cars. However, if you intend to drive a more powerful car faster - where what’s held relatively constant is the proportion of maximum engine output, not its absolute value - then thermal efficiency becomes more relevant.”
“So basically, a measure of fuel consumption when you’re driving based on the car’s limits, not external ones?”
“You could put it that way, yes. As for the rest of the car…”
“…I think I’ve heard enough. Again, in a good way. It’s getting a proper testdrive, though I’m not sure when exactly. Unless there’s something critical I need to know beforehand?”
“Just a note about the brakes: they look adequate for the job of reliably stopping a 300kph living room, but no more than that, with some minor fade. And I noticed that considerable effort was spent on aerodynamic optimization, though curiously it was applied to semi-cladding instead of full.”
The attendant was mildly disappointed that Magda didn’t want to testdrive one right there and then, but Magda knew there was more to look at beforehand. With keys and a (hopefully accurate this time) map, she had a couple days’ window to take one of the demonstrator Swansons for a drive.
Verdict: Worth a testdrive.
6. Authié et Dallier 8/28 Q.P. by @Knugcab
“Same dissonance as with the Walf, my dear? You’ve got the same puzzled, engrossed look as before.”
“Similar, yes, though this time it’s not a matter of details versus the whole, it’s a matter of angles. From some, this car looks elegantly done and neatly balanced. From others, it’s awkwardly boxy. My brain is getting exercised trying to visually parse this. What do you think, Stefan?”
“I think it’s best seen as a prism, an extrusion, even - a well-rounded side profile drawn laterally through space, drawn just a bit too far and with insufficient variation in the path, somewhat compensated for by good detailing in the resulting surfaces, front and rear. For how simple the form is, my brain is also getting exercised trying to digest this and decide whether it likes it. The provisional answer is: somewhat.”
“I think the awkwardness is partly in the proportions and mostly in the front, where allowing yourself to be distracted by the well-executed grill almost makes up for the nose ultimately remaining too flat. As a meta-matter, I appreciate a design that challenges me to think. Boring this is not.”
Ursula had already shown her pass and was studying the spec sheet.
“Anything noteworthy?”
"Nothing groundbreaking. On paper, this should be a mildly competent semi-sport sedan, somewhat underpowered. The suspension balance is a bit sloppy, but it’s in the right range, and the swaybars seem well chosen, if a bit on the soft side. It has a lot of grip for medium-compound 205 tires, credit for which goes partly to high-quality suspension components, and partly to its impressively light weight - 1170kg, made more impressive by the context of a 2.8m-wheelbase luxury sedan wearing a hand-made interior, and more impressive still by no weight engineering having been done apart from materials selection. Full aluminum paneling isn’t cheap, but in a segment that can afford such expenses, easily worth it.
The alu results in the second-highest environmental resistance among candidates, just behind the Walf. At 14.8%, its thermal efficiency is the lowest of all - including the Mara and Bellomont - though the engine’s modest 3.5 liters limit how much it can drink. Apart from those two, most of its stats are right around average for the segment."
“And inside…?”
“Another excellent interior, though to be honest, I’m getting tired of beige and tan. The quality here is outstanding, rivaling the Swanson, perhaps not quite the Planar. Olaf, how’s the legroom?”
“It looks better than it is, I’m afraid; the seats are rather shallow. It’s not bad by any means, but decisively trumped by the Swanson.”
“So is most of the rest, for that matter, on paper anyway… I was on the fence about this car before realizing this. Apart from environmental resistance and a slight degree of engine responsiveness, the Swanson outperforms this car in just about every way. If the Canadian rocket couch turns out to have significant problems, I’ll come back to this car, but assuming the Swanson tests like it looks and reads, I can’t see myself getting this instead.”
Design concept: A-
Design execution: B
Engineering concept: A
Engineering execution: B-
Verdict: Declined. Rank TBA.
[OOC]Regarding interior comments: with one specific exception that has yet to occur, anything said about interiors is either 1. only for flavor or informal design feedback with no effect on competition points (default), or 2. if it does affect scoring, the true basis is in game stats, and mentions of fixtures are just for flavor. In the interests of neutrality, all cars’ looks-related points are scored when the .car is loaded for the first time and with windows at 0% transparency
8 Likes
I figured it’d end like that, only recently did I watch a video talking about bad suspension setups and one was an oversprung and underdampened one. Shucks, better luck next time I guess.
The meticulous attention to finetuning alone earns some points. There’s a reason the rank is TBA.
2 Likes
Big chunks of wood, huh? The Waldersee delivers quite intensely in that area, as well.
I must say, these reviews so far are very well-written. A clear display of effort and dedication.
3 Likes
The interior quality here is impressive, although those were not judged (afaik the host relies on the data the game calculated based on the wheelbase).
I must say one thing, you are very skilled at writing.
Also, I see that my car is up now. Considering how hard it was to build something decent on the outdated and rather worthless LWB Mk2 Escort body, and that I didn’t find anything else suitable for what I wanted to do, I am rather satisfied with getting a so-so verdict for the styling.
3 Likes
A touch lower, and with some curvature in the front, and it’d be well above “so-so”. As it is, it’s compromised, not mediocre.
That’s sort of the thing here. I would have liked the body with a tad lower roof and beltline, since I wanted to do something similar to a De Tomaso Deauville, however, since I wanted a body working for the whole 70s and that did not look american, there was really not many options. It’s still better than most cars I have seen on the Escort bodies, I can say without taking any pride into myself. 
2 Likes
1. Walf Elite V8 307 by @karhgath
Past the Authié et Dallier were just a handful of exhibits, primarily smaller family sedans and hatchbacks. By this point, it was mid-afternoon, and if Magda wanted to maximize her odds of a traffic-free testdrive today, now would be the time. On the other hand, didn’t Swanson specifically say “a couple of days”? There was no rush, then, and she had some unfinished business from earlier in the day.
They made their way through the sea of people back to the Walf display. Were the demonstrators out of impound yet? Oh, splendid. What color? Have you got candy apple red? Barolo Satin Metallic? Sounds close enough, thank you. Keys and a map, try to return by the end of the day? Got it. She had a couple of hours.
“Didn’t it smell strongly of cheese?”
“It did, and that’s certainly annoying, but I’m intrigued by the unanimous enthusiasm I’ve been hearing about it; it’s unusual. Between the smell, the back seat, and the styling, it’s got some drawbacks to overcome. Let’s see if it does.”
Between the better-ventilated outdoors and the better-informed perspective from having seen so many competitors so recently, Magda felt better able to take her time and focus on what the car had to say, whether loud or subtle. The paint this specimen wore was a bit unusual, though neither she nor her three companions could quite identify what it was - anodization? Some kind of ceramic coating? Electroplating? Whatever it was, it seemed to bring angles and other sheetmetal features into much sharper relief, making both their topography and the color much more vivid than normal paint.
“This finish amplifies what’s underneath, for better or worse. It takes high-quality bodywork, and confidence therein, to pull it off… and it does. It doesn’t quite match the jewelry-grade precision of the Bellomont, but it’s close.”
“I still don’t like the squished-cabin long-trunk proportions, but visually, that’s all that’s wrong with it. The rest is well-done, well-balanced, and cohesive.”
“Huh… the wipers appear to go backwards, like you’d expect to see on a right-hand-drive car. Doubt it matters much…”
“And those tires look quite low-profile… AUGGGGHH!!” Ursula crouched to read the sidewalls, recoiling in horror from the potent blast of freshly-cut Limburger they emitted. She went over to some bushes and leaned over them, breathing heavily. “I’ll be ok, just give me a minute…”
Magda unlocked and opened the doors. Olaf knew what to do, and commenced with the circus act that entailed on this car. Some grunting and swearing later, he shook his head and went to the front, sliding the seat all the way back.
Magda meanwhile started the engine, and everyone jumped at the report when it fired up. “Goodness, is this even legal?”
Ursula, still looking a bit green in the face, had grabbed a spec sheet previously. “Technically yes, but at 48.2, just barely, and that’s with TÜV’s new loudness protocol.”
Magda gave the throttle a quick tap, and the surly burbling from the 5-liter V8 veritably exploded in a raspy snarl, then quickly fell back down to idle. “Oh my, that’s quite lively. And lovely, I have to say… does it have ITB, by chance?”
"Yes, with a trick high-performance airbox, long-tube headers, medium-lightweight flywheel, and an X-piped dual exhaust with no resonators. Intake and exhaust are both somewhat oversized, though the cam profile is rather mild and civilized. Very high compression, too.
What’s puzzling about the engine is that it’s somewhat short-stroke (85mm), ultimately quite oversquare (97mm bore), and with a forged crank and rods that should be good for at least 8000rpm, but then the pistons are hypereutectic and limit it to 6600. The airbox helps even at this RPM, but would be much more effective with higher revs.
Putting two and two together from the oversized intake and exhaust, it looks like it was once properly tuned with a 7- or 8-thousand redline, then someone insisted on downgrading the pistons… I have no idea why… and other than a rev limiter and valvetrain revision, the rest of the engine wasn’t retuned to match."
She pulled out her pencil and started muttering and jotting equations. "Yeah, the intake and exhaust flow enough to support well over 400hp, maybe 450, which would be easily achievable with nothing more than forged pistons and a minor top end revision. Still, 354 is nothing to sneeze at.
All this is on paper, of course. Let’s see how it applies on pavement, shall we?" Some contortions later, they were off. Before they even left the parking slot, though, there was a problem.
“I’m in decent shape, but this steering… I can hardly turn it. I’ve driven enough unassisted cars to know they take a different technique, but none of them had this much weight or front grip. This is going to get old quick…”
“Yes, it’s legal but not really appropriate here. TÜV doesn’t impound lightly…”
“Well, I’ll manage.”
Traffic was starting to build up, so Magda made a beeline for the Autobahn, hoping to catch some unrestricted sections.
“The ride is…odd. It’s like a trekking expedition - the leader at the front is all gung-ho and knows what they’re doing and where they’re going, is very hardcore and tough, and the people bringing up the rear are dithering, reluctant, sort of dragged along.”
“Yes, very mismatched spring rates. This is the only car I’ve seen outside of engineering student projects where the rear frequency, which should be about 10% higher than the front, is actually lower, and by a lot. Of course, this gets worse with rear passengers - who hardly fit in the first place - and rear cargo - for which there’s more than enough room. The hydropneumatic system keeps it from being a total disaster, but to call the tuning suboptimal for a sedan would be an understatement.”
“Still, steering response is excellent, in part because it’s unassisted, and overall it manages to be decently comfortable all the same apart from low-speed maneuvers. Leans a bit more than I’d like, especially for such a responsive chassis. Is everyone ok with me doing a brake test?” On a deserted back road leading to the Autobahn, Magda picked up some speed, then dropped anchor.
“Wow, that wasn’t entirely expected. Very quick, relatively flat stop. What’s that smell, though? It’s not cheese…”
“Brakepads. They’re on the soft side, which might’ve worked fine if not for very low airflow to cool them. The brake balance is near-perfect - fronts just able to lock up, and rears a hair behind - and stopping distance of 35.1 meters is very competitive, but there’s significant fade front and rear. I wouldn’t sign off on this setup for a sedate commuter car, let alone something with this kind of performance.”
“I’ll have to be careful on the highway, then. Oh, fishsticks… really? It’s hardly 3pm.” As she approached the Autobahn, she could see that any kind of performance test would have to take place elsewhere or elsewhen - traffic was crawling. She turned around.
“I suppose I’ve seen enough, anyway. Analogous to the Seawolf, in a way - the cabin length keeps it from being a competent sedan, while visual proportions dash its hopes of being a GT substitute, the steering keeps it from being anything luxury, and the suspension tune isn’t suited for anything at all. And it reeks of cheese.”
“Why do you suppose it came so highly recommended?”
“I speculate that most of the tests people give it are more superficial - they’re captivated by the frankly spine-chilling song that accompanies its overall sure-footed and very rapid dance, some of whose elements are properly good - I’d say perhaps 60% of the Walf is 90% of Perfection to drive - and of the remaining 40%, much of it probably goes unnoticed without rear passengers or an in-depth look.”
Engineering execution: C-
A shining example of: the right idea, developed in the wrong way to end up with the right stats, ultimately representing the wrong car. And smothered in the most pungent, ripe, “who took their socks off?” cheese.
Verdict: Declined. Rank TBA.
2. Swanson 555 SL by @Ludvig
“I’ve some business to take care of at the OXXRON display, so I’m going back inside anyway. Would you like me to return the Walf’s keys and save you the trip?”
“That’s kind of you, thanks. Ursula, you’ve been very helpful in this quest - thank you for that too. It’s too bad no Nordwagens are available; I understand luxury performance is your bread & butter.”
“Well, that keeps me unbiased here, doesn’t it? Shall we meet tomorrow to see more? They may or may not have hall 4A with the GT cars open in time, but there’s still the domestic sedans in 1D.”
“9am at the southeast entrance?”
“See you then!”
With the parking lot clearing out, Magda, Stefan, and Olaf had little trouble finding the Swanson demonstrator, though its height and prominent chrome window surrounds certainly helped.
Given the traffic they saw earlier, a proper test would have to wait, but as the Swanson rep had said “a couple of days, eh”, Magda decided she’d take it home and come back in it tomorrow, first dropping off Olaf and picking up Anke and Bruno. Stefan went off to find the Lancier and would meet her at home.
“I used to be a Bürgermeister, you know, and have been chauffeured plenty. First - Magda, you are very skilled with a car, from a passenger’s perspective. Second - the Swanson reminds me of a large pre-war touring saloon, the kind designed for chauffeuring, with as much or more room in the back than the front. Would you mind if I sat in the back? Those footrests are very nice.”
“Not at all, and that’ll be a test of both its quietness and suspension quality. As I’m sure you’ve felt, sitting all the way back over the rear axle can make for a rougher ride.” Olaf nodded, and they got in.
A turn of the key brought to life what Magda could hear and feel was an unusual engine. The distinctive and even rumble of a flat six was made even more distinctive by its massive size. She glanced at the spec sheet. While not an engineer, she’d seen enough to appreciate the rarity of a bore of 113mm. Deep, sonorous, and thanks to its layout and an amply heavy flywheel, its 69.5 smoothness bettered most V8. She tapped the gas pedal.
“Not sports-car responsive, but it’s not lazy. For a luxury car, seems about where it should be. Can’t quite tell - it’s rather quiet - but it might have ITB?” A glance at the specs confirmed that.
Olaf, his legs up and his back reclined, was asleep by the time she found the exit from the lot. She had hoped for conversation with a backseat passenger to be a quietness test, but so much for that…
The drive to Olaf’s house was uneventful. Nowhere much to stretch the car’s legs, but it did show that the big Swanson was 1. perfectly usable for routine transportation, and 2. had a presence that commanded respect and physical deference among the automotive populace. The short section of Autobahn on her way was a gridlocked parking lot, but even there, the “sea-parting” effect of proper Überholprestige could be felt.
“Hrm…? What, am I home already? How long was I asleep?”
“The whole time, Olaf. That comfortable, is it?”
“I feel more rested than in my own bed. There’s only one car I’ve ever ridden in that rivals this for passenger comfort, and that’s nothing less than the Mercurial Binz 600 - the 'Grosser” - whose price tag has another zero after this one’s."
Sometime after dinner, Magda reflected on the day, and its results sitting in her driveway. By now, the Swanson’s permanent tenure there was looking like a distinct possibility, and she wanted to get to know it better, especially what it was like when it didn’t have to behave for the sake of passengers.
“I’m going for a drive!” She announced.
The modest size of the headlights belied their brightness, their wide, even beams instilling confidence that contributed to the already well-established sense of security and capability the car offered. Waiting for a moment without oncoming traffic, Magda tried the highbeams - even more impressive. Figures; a lot of Canada gets quite dark for much of the year. She headed for the Autobahn.
The section she entered wasn’t unrestricted, so she tried only a brief acceleration test. Five and a half well-tuned liters performed as promised, though she could feel a slight unevenness in the power curve, and the noise, while very well-muted (28.1 effective), was surprisingly raspy. Did it not have resonators? She’d check the specs later.
A few kilometers later, the speed limit ended, and traffic had died down enough to open the tap, but there remained enough cars that taillights in the distance gave visual cues of the road ahead of the headlights’ reach. Though accustomed to double-clutching - for the sake of gearbox longevity in the Lancier, and to downshift at all in the Kaffee - she deliberately relied on the synchros to slip the hefty, solid, gated shift lever into third, then revmatched to complete the shift. Good synchro performance indeed; this was a quality drivetrain. And excellent Laufkultur; despite its size for the cylinder count, the big six remained smooth as it hovered right around its torque peak. She dropped the hammer, and the living room on wheels suddenly had somewhere it needed to be very soon.
“The lumpiness is really quite minor, and the exhaust muffled enough that the rasp isn’t objectionable as such, though far from the symphony under the Seawolf’s hood.” Fourth gear, 200kph. “And it pulls like a freight train… a freight rain returning from orbit.” She saw some activity among the taillights ahead and gave the brakes a medium-strong shove. “Adequate, which for this weight and power is saying something, but not especially strong.”
The tallights meanwhile sorted themselves out, and she crested a gentle hill overlooking a large shallow valley. The moonlight was especially strong that night, and she could see a good 3-5km of near-empty Autobahn descending into and crossing the valley. Hammer time again.
“And it stays planted at these speeds, without being racecar-firm. Leans a bit too much, not awfully (6.3 degrees).” Fifth gear, 275kph. “Tight, high-quality steering, good suspension tune. It feels stable at this speed… which otherwise would be a Code Brown if I dared it at all.” By 290, the steam started to run out, and at 300, the car hit a soft wall. “Huh, it’s got a limiter. I wonder why; it didn’t feel like there was much left.” She let off altogether. “At least it’s a soft limiter. The last time I encountered one, it aggressively cut fuel like a rev limiter, and I thought something had broken. This is much better sorted-out. For that matter… the whole car is pretty well sorted-out. Not perfect - I’m not ready to sign the check quite yet - but it remains a possibility and so far the only one.”
Design concept: A
Design execution: A+
Engineering concept: A-
Engineering execution: A-
A shining example of: what we’re looking for.
Verdict: Semifinals.
3 Likes
The Escort body sets (which have largely been superseded by similarly sized variants of the Mobula body sets) are holdovers from the Kee era, and deserve to be reworked for the next update.
1 Like
A good read on a rainy day here. It certainly captures Magda’s journey of finding the next car.
I assume resonator refers to ingame first muffler, which the SL doesn’t have, so it’s a bit louder at 37dB or whatever the stat is. Oh and I always crank up the advanced trim sound for more raspiness.
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Backstory Part 1
September 16, 1977, 9am, Internationale Automobil-Ausstellung [exhibition] No.47, Frankfurt am Main, Bundesrepublik Deutschland.
“Magda, Stefan, herr Jansen, guten Morgen! I see you arrived in the Swanson. Did you manage to give it a proper test yet?”
“Yes indeed, and it passed nicely. It doesn’t do anything poorly, is well-suited for the Autobahn, and is very much usable for mundane transportation too. But before signing up, I must see what else there is. We’ven’t driven a single Geman car yet, for starters. Have they opened the GT section, do you know?”
“I don’t think so. That F1 car was fully fuelled and caught fire duing its, ah, parking incident, so I know they’ve got some damage to repair. I hear some of the cars next to it were damaged as well. Anyway, hall 1D, shall we?”
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1. Waldersee Kurfürst GL70 by @texaslav
“Handsome!”
“Are you sure this is the domestic section? This looks American.”
“They don’t trumpet the fact anymore - it brought largely unwarranted image problems - but the parent company is American, yes. And the motor is an American design, though I hear it was tuned in Germany to German regulations, so hopefully it’s not the wheezy gassucker we saw yesterday.”
“Wherever it’s made, it was made well. Tight panel gaps, everything lines up. The wheel and tire selection alone gives away that even the German subsidiary is likely run by Amis, but hey, if they can take the strengths of a Yank Tank and fix the problems - for one, there’s no obnoxious sales commentary - that’s off to a good start.”
"Just looking at it, yes, it has a lot of American elements. Thankfully more Muscle Car than Brougham. But unlike a lot of what’s made over there these days, the overall shape and proportions give it a look like it figuratively and almost literally hugs the road, instead of rejecting it. Like it belongs with the road. Let’s see if the footwork specs begin to back that up… they do!
The suspension tune is near-perfect and dialed in more or less where it should be - dampers perfectly balanced at 0.34, matching the rear spring frequency of 1.49, while the front is just a hair too high at 1.38. I doubt you’ll ever notice that.
I do expect you’d notice how flat it corners for a luxobarge; the roll angle is an Autobahn-appropriate 4.9… tires are on the wide side - not a bad thing - and brakes look about adequate, though there is some minor fade."
“Let’s see inside…”
“Stylish!”
“The chrome-polished wood armrests are tacky and weird… actually, all the wood is strangely shiny… but otherwise this is excellent. I like the color palette used - not too monochrome, not too eclectic, not too beige. It gives up what in most of these types of cars is a rarely-used rear middle seat, replacing it with a much more often appreciated rear center console with armrests and various amenities. Possibly the single most decisive variable between a family sedan and a luxury sedan. Olaf?”
“It lacks the Swanson’s recliners and headrests, and the rear seats could be further back to improve rear legroom, which is nonetheless adequate. Regardless, this is a good place to spend a long time.”
“Looks hand-made too, though not quite at the quality level of the Swanson, or more so, the Planar.”
“The latter, despite its merits, earned a pass for a combination of loud and underpowered compared to alternatives. What do the specs read on this?”
"Well, it sure isn’t underpowered… 352hp, which out of 7 liters is good, not great, but it’s a far cry fom the… what was it, 190 from 5.7 on the Bellomont? It’s also decently efficient at 20.6%, has a fairly smooth torque curve, and a good reliability rating. Whoever did the tuning, they did it to modern German standards indeed.
Nor is it loud - its effective 25.5 loudness is among the lowest of all. It is however relatively rough for this segment - 55.6, contrasted for example with the Swanson’s giant six (69.5) or the Seawolf’s puddle-of-molten-velvet twelve (87.9), or your current Lancier (70.9). Even the Moskvich Mara runs smoother (75), albeit with crap throttle response. The only rougher engine here is the Martinet’s V6 (54.5). On the other hand, the Kurfürst’s throttle response is alright - 39.9."
“It seems well worth feeling it for myself. I’ll go arrange a testdrive… actually, what do you all think about going now? A change of pace from yesterday, and I smell cheese coming from somewhere, though I don’t think it’s this car.”
“Yeah, the cheese was some other exhibit. I smell none here. I do however feel the engine a bit more than I’d like. I probably wouldn’t care in most cars, but between this car’s mission and how well it otherwise performs it, it stands out some.”
“As Herr Jansen next to me won’t tell you, it’s very comfortable back here.”
“I imagine he’ll wake up once I do an acceleration test. Actually, would you mind waking him in advance, so he doesn’t get startled or whiplash?”
“It’s very quiet, too. I can feel but can’t hear the engine, or much of anything else.”
“Yes, there’s ample soundproofing in the body design, on top of a relatively low-revving, understressed, high-quality, and slightly restricted motor.”
“Well, here comes the onramp. Let’s hear what it has to say…” As with the Seawolf, Magda gradually rolled on the throttle to avoid the transmission downshifting. With good response and a Texas-sized reserve of midrange torque, the pedal acted more as a longtudinal position setting than an accelerator, instilling a satisfying sense of effortlessness.
“I still can’t hear much, but what I do hear sounds properly good - acoustically very smooth, rich, classical, well-rounded. And it goes like a stuck pig… stuck with dynamite. In the time it took me to say that, we got up to 190 and climbing.”
“The transmission is geared well for the effective powerband, and the very tall top gear makes it feel relaxed at a fast cruise. Should help with fuel consumption, too. It takes more careful tuning to make a car with this much engine efficient, but the engineering quality seen elsewhere makes that seem likely enough. Let’s see… Ooh, no, not really. Despite the loafing top gear, the thermal efficiency, the high-quality cladding on top of an already aero-efficient body… at a 110 cruise it’s drinking 13.6L/100. The combined rating is 17.2.”
“That’s not terrible… But uncompetitive. The only direct competitor we’ve seen is the Seawolf, which has a bit less power yet is faster in most ways, 50% more cylinders and the friction that comes with, yet drinks about 20% less. The Swanson and Walf do even better, though they’re are manuals, which I prefer anyway. The rest have significantly less power. Any idea why?”
“I think it’s a combination of several things. Individually, 7 liters, 8 cylinders, pushrods, single-point injection, a somewhat rich fuel map, or an automatic don’t necessarily spell doom for economy. But compounded? Not even the high levels of component quality and engineering skill can overcome that.”
“A downside, to be sure, not a dealbreaker. And less important than the excellent suspension tune, just right for Autobahn cruising. The land of 55 may prefer a featherbed ride, but we here need better control than that. German or American, whoever tuned this footwork understands that.”
“I notice people are getting out of your way, and it doesn’t look like you’re flashing much.”
“Indeed, the size, road-hugging stance, and front end details do an effective job at signalling that it deserves a clear path ahead. And it certainly demonstrates why. Oh… what now?”
The flashing higheams in her rearview showed that this car’s class was not a class of one. Magda had been cruising at about 180, but there was room ahead. Hammer down.
A few moments later, “Ok… any longer would be just rude of me; 240+ and whatever’s behind me is still there. I have to find out what that thing is, and why I haven’t heard of it. It’s white but otherwise looks like the black one from yesterday.” She signaled right, merged, braked. This time, Ursula got a better look at the big boxy sedan it as it rocketed forward.
“I’m pretty sure I know what that is, and that it’s in the domestic section. Wait, don’t merge back yet.” A prescient warning; just like yesterday, on the heels of the big sedan came a small loud red thing. Ursula couldn’t help but chuckle. The others couldn’t help but notice, and inquire.
“Well, Norðwagen’s been out of the market so we’ve got a few bored engineers sitting around. Idle hands make infernal work, so the saying goes? That’s all I can divulge for now.”
Back at the exhibition, Stefan asked, “So, verdict?”
"I like it. Some parts I like a lot. It has downsides. Apart from the thirst, overall it works well both for the Autobahn and just around town. The Swanson does some things better, some things worse. If forced to decide right now, the Rakettensofa von Kanada [rocket couch from Canada] would get my nod, but it’s not the easiest decision.
Also, there is no way I’m making a choice until I’ve seen and preferably driven whatever passed us earlier. Ursula, would you show us what you thought it was?"
Design concept: A
Design execution: A
Engineering concept: B-
Engineering execution: A-
A shining example of: what an upscale American car should’ve been.
Verdict: Semifinals.
2. Cerberus 7.3 V12 by @xsneakyxsimx part 1
As they were returning the keys to the Waldersee, Magda spotted a certain angular black thing through the crowd just a couple of exhibits down. She quickly handed back the keys and hastened towards what turned out to be the Cerberus exhibit. It also became apparent as the source of the cheese smell from before.
Ursula noticed Magda’s focus and then direction, and confirmed, “Yep, that’s what I thought it was.”
“And how is it that I’ve not heard of this?”
“I don’t know. I hadn’t either until I overheard my engineers talking about it yesterday. Apparently, it’s the only suitable benchmark they could find to compare to.”
“Compare what to?”
Ursula replied with a coy grin. “Another time, I promise.”
She approached the display, and looked around for attendants but found nobody, nor anything that might be a spec sheet. Deciding the Special Press pass was enough credential, she crossed the rope fence and approached the car, only to find it locked with the windows blacked out. A bouquet of parmesean and gouda wafted from under the hood - quite noticable, but neither in quantity nor quality half as bad as the Walf - indeed, something approaching pleasant.
“Well, this is frustrating.”
“I think I know what’s going on… my engineers and I are to have a meeting over lunch. Regrettably, I can’t invite you. But I can make sure that if the Cerberus staff are gone for the reason I think they are, that they return with keys and an apology. Actually, if my suspicions are true, they’ll be back for lunch anyway. You could check here at noon, otherwise - actually, regardless - meet me here at 1.”
Stefan, meanwhile, was busy studying the big box from various angles.
“On the plain side, not nearly the stylistic effort nor results of the Swanson, Authie et Dallier, or the Martinet, but I think that works in its favor. The black trim, the V12 and 7.3 badges, and the sheer size of it send a thinly-veiled and laconic yet powerful message.”
“It sure sent a message with how it showed up in my rearview. And a 7.3 liter V12? No wonder it delivered on that message. I want a drive regardless of whatever flaws it may have. And they’d better be pretty serious, or at too high a price, for me not to consider it.”
Design concept: A
Design execution: B-
Engineering concept: ???
Engineering execution: ???
Verdict: Worth a testdrive.
3. Primus Imperator 520GTS-ie by @Happyhungryhippo
“And now for something completely different - a well-understood car from a well-established maker. They’ve got a bit of a stodgy image to shake off, and this version of their Imperator line… I’d say neither helps nor hurts that objective.”
“I’d go further and say it helps with a different objective: showing that Stodgy can be cool in its own way. Starting by being well-styled and sharp-looking.”
“It’s an older style, but I wouldn’t call it out of date or unfashionable. It’s a long-refined, well-baked design. Plus, people recognize and generally respect that grill, and this one is detailed to show that it’s a top-shelf model.”
“How high is that shelf, exactly?”
“For starters, 311hp moving just under 1600kg through a good-quality, thoroughly modern 4-speed automatic, good for 267kph and 10.7L/100 - properly efficient and effective engine tuning.”
Catching the attention of the exhibit staff, with a smile and a show of the passes they walked up and got in.
“This interior makes me slightly less bored with beige. It’s comfortable and appropriate for the segment, though neither as high-spec nor as high-quality as others we’ve seen. I particularly like the practical dashboard design. What kind of engine and road noise can we expect?”
“Why don’t we go hear for ourselves? We’ve got over an hour before lunch.”
A striking wine red and grey demonstrator waited outside.
With moderate lunchtime traffic, there was just enough space to give an adequate test, at least to see if it was worth further investigation. Cruising towards the Autobahn on a back road was the usual arrangement - Olaf asleep in the back, Ursula next to him staring at numbers, Magda behind the wheel, Stefan next to her.
“Average Laufkultur, somewhere between the Swanson and the Kurfürst and a bit less than the Lancier in smoothness, comparable in quality. Slightly above average effective loudness (31.6), just a little on the sporty side. Subjectively, the lack of resonators tends to push its acoustic character further towards Sport than Luxury. But not by much; it doesn’t exactly wake the dead. It doesn’t even wake Olaf. Then again, I’m not sure what would…”
“Well, he didn’t fall asleep in the Walf, and I bet not in the Planar either, had we tested it.”
"The engine is mildly amazing. I realize that sounds like a backhanded compliment, damning in faint praise, but hear me out… It has average smoothness for a V8, above-average responsiveness, and the highest efficiency of any engine here of any type. Any one or two of those is unremarkable, but the intersection of all three is actually a bit of a feat. How they managed this… no major tricks, just solid engineering of well-chosen specs and modern but not bleeding-edge technology - SOHC-4, undersquare proportions, individual port injection with dual manifolds and throttle bodies, a medium-low camshaft profile, midrange tubular headers, and everything sized more or less correctly except the exhaust, which is about 1/3 too big. All the hardware seems to be medium-high quality, including the transmission, Torsen rear diff, and the rest of the driveline… No, scratch that. Almost all the rest of the car. On the other hand, medium-high is as high as it gets, while some competitors are pushing considerably more.
Apart from the engine tune, the rest of the tuning is… adequate. It all works ok, but there’s a lot left on the table even without raising the price, more on which later. The suspension rates are somewhat spread out, imbalanced even by the standard of normal tolerances, let alone some competitors tuning to within 0.1 or even 0.01 units. The brakes are good, not great; there’s minor fade, they could be a little more evenly balanced front to rear, and the effective stopping performance is below average.
The latter is mostly the fault of a pair of cheese wheels for front tires that have been on long enough to have lost their smell; staggering 185 and 215 is neither realistic nor advisable on this type of car, and the former’s narrowness is the limiting factor for braking. I would expect that stagger to work on something like an ultra-light mid-engined mini-GT, perhaps. Staggered tire widths, specifically (there are also other types of wheel stagger), should be used in the case of significant rear weight bias (approx. 45f/55r and further) or, assuming RWD, power in excess of what the widest practical front tires can handle, or a combination of these reasons. Otherwise stagger is generally detrimental to overall handling. Aside from that, for this kind of weight and power, 215 width is average to low average, and 185 insufficient. "
“It drives and rides competently, but I get the sense it’s ‘mildly amazing’ in one or two areas, truly amazing in none, and unremarkable everywhere else. However, I glanced at the price tag before we left, and it’s significantly cheaper than any serious competition. Cheap doesn’t substitute for Good that isn’t there, but it does make Good that’s there already become Better. ‘Unremarkable’ in this segment is already quite good in the bigger picture, so given that it stands at least at that level on its own legs, the price does raise its standing further. Not drastically, but enough to take it into consideration.”
Design concept: A-
Design execution: A
Engineering concept: B+
Engineering execution: B-
Verdict: Semifinals.
2 again. Cerberus 7.3 V12 by @xsneakyxsimx part 2
“So how is it I’ve never heard of Cerberus before?” Magda demanded.
“Have you heard of Hammardiin?” Ursula countered.
“Here and there… they’re a Hetvesian coachbuilder, right?”
“Yes. Most of this I just learned at my meeting: Cerberus is a model name. There’s a group of engineers, too disorganized to have a name other than what IAA assigned them for paperwork reasons: Team X… who soup up Hammardiin models and give them mythical names. I don’t know where Team X is, and I’ve met them only once, but through some of my engineers I was able to get a spec sheet and keys.”
Stefan took the keys, opened the car, and with Olaf proceeded to investigate the interior. A luxurious four-seater with a full-length center console and generous rear legroom had been hiding under blacked-out windows. “Comparable to the Primus - neither the specification nor the quality are quite at Swanson or Planar levels, but certainly appropriate for the class, and the cabin is comparatively huge.”
“Huh, it’s a manual. Unusual but very welcome. Anything disastrous about it? Otherwise I want to drive it already.”
Ursula skimmed the spec sheet, eyebrows remaining mostly level, until… "The heaviest damn flywheel I’ve ever heard of on anything smaller than a bus: a whopping 41.8 kilos. In spite of which, it’s smooth, to be sure, but by V12 standards unremarkable (85.2). On-throttle response is rather slow (20.0) while off-throttle is glacial.
I’m… not sure why it’s set up this way. Obviously they aren’t squeezing every last bit of refinement out of it, nor does it rev particularly high. While the balance mass raises the rev limit, they could’ve accomplished the same thing or more with forged internals, which it surprisingly doesn’t have. Otherwise it’s reasonably well-tuned, everything sized correctly, but no resonators in the dual exhaust. V12 tend to sound less raspy than most engines without resonators, though. The result is about right for a sports sedan - 38.1. They call this engine the Mjölnir 730. Norðwagen has a similarly-named engine, and it too is a V12, but this is different; I have no idea where it’s from.
Its defining characteristic, and the reason you’re so excited about it… Five. Hundred. Horsepower. And even more torque. Should sound… er, we know how good it sounds, with its properly sized dual exhaust, and individual throttle bodies. Twelve of the damn things, hooked up to what in my experience amounts to a very expensive mechanical fuel injection system. You get what you pay for, though - besides the power, it’s an excellent (for a V12) 22% efficient, and the net economy rating is 16.2L combined, 12.3L at 110kph. Not frugal as such, but for over seven liters and twelve cylinders, very impressive."
“That kind of economy makes it sort of daily usable… which is a bit of a scary thought: a 500hp V12 monster somehow being (borderline) practical as a grocery getter. What else?”
"The economy is even more remarkable considering it’s a non-overdrive transmission… Hm, the tires are pretty marginal: 205mm medium-compound. That’d be fine for about half the power this is pushing through them. They’re slightly below standard grade tires, too, and I have no idea why they tried to save a few bucks on something this important on a $42000 500hp car. The tires are what keeps the brakes from being better than ‘decent’: very minor fade, mediocre 41.4m stopping distance. With this much engine, I wouldn’t run anything less than 235 sport compound, but it’s not unusable.
The underside has some good-quality full-length cladding, which combined with the power makes for… oh dear… 327kph top speed. Even supercars can’t do that; for our time, that’s deep into hypercar territory, and probably some kind of a world record. Unfortunately, there isn’t enough grip to safely go that fast and take any sort of turn. This is mitigated slightly by a relatively low 4.9 roll angle, while the rest of the suspension tuning is… meh, sloppy, not a disaster. I’d say it’s safe to drive but not to its limits; the engine writes a check the tires can’t cash."
“Understood. Uhhm… what do we drive? We can’t take the floor model…”
“Oh, huh. I… Well, there’s at least one other specimen here, the white one we saw today. And probably another black one. But I don’t know where they’re parked and I haven’t got the keys. We’ll have to wait for Team X to show up. I don’t know how long…oh! Here they come!”
Most engineers are clean-cut, tidy, presentable-looking professionals. And then there’s this. Class of brilliant eccentrics perhaps better known as the archetypical Mad Scientist. Disorganized, disheveled, distracted, and chronically late, the type isn’t known for proper sorting-out or follow-through, but the sparks of inspiration they spontaneously emit are much of what lights the fires of civilization, innovation and progress in the first place. When such sparks come from a gearhead, things like a 500hp V12 sedan happen.
One was hastily redoing his necktie, with one shoelace and some combing presumably to follow, while the other fumbled around in his pockets, producing all kinds of interesting and variously-appropriate items before eventually digging up a key with a partially molten square of chewing gum stuck to the end. Smiling sheepishly, he handed the key, peeled of its gum, to Magda.
“Frau Schulz, you wanted a testdrive? Come! We’re not sure which one of our two demonstrators is available, but they’re outside either way.”
The Usual Arrangement cruised down the same back road as before.
“This is remarkably unremarkable. I clearly hear the smooth, slightly raspy hum from up front, but it’s not bad, certainly quieter than the Walf. And I feel nothing. Though considerably bigger, and a lot more powerful, its character is most similar to the other V12 we’ve seen - the Seawolf. Of course, I’ve hardly breathed on the throttle yet.”
“Olaf’s been asleep since we left the lot. As its luxury credentials go, at least at this speed, it easily qualifies.”
“It rides about as firmly as the Waldersee, except not as well-balanced. Not bad, though. What’s the spec sheet say about wheelspin in gear?”
“At WOT, it’ll spin most of second and part of third gear - like I said, way insufficient tire for the engine - but most of third and up should stay planted. And with the weight of four asses, I’d guess most of second and all of third are safe. Anyway, I wouldn’t worry; your car control skills are excellent, and the lazy response should help dampen sudden transitions.”
Magda double-clutched from fourth to second. “That’s pretty lazy indeed. A lot slower than I’d like. Well, here comes the onramp. I won’t go all-out, rather start near the bottom of third and just wind out that gear.”
There is nothing quite like twelve throttle bodies trumpeting in unison a crescendo from just above idle to just below redline, Magda thought, bracing herself against the seat bolsters as the Cerberus brutally erased and overwrote all her previous associations with the term “rocket barge”. The Seawolf, Swanson, Walf, and Waldersee were fast, but this was another order of magnitude. And what a soundtrack! If the Seawolf was a smooth baritone crooner, this was a choir of twelve deities who weren’t quite sure whether they came from above or below.
As the revs approached 5000, something bizarre happened. The gouda and parmesean from before now suddenly wafted in, rather strong, and sharper, more akin to aged cheddar. Not the most dreadful smell in the world, but… prominent, pungent.
“Is this going to happen every time I get on it?” Nobody had an answer to that.
At the top of third, 155kph, she skipped straight into fifth and cruised at that speed, reading the car’s personality. The smell faded quickly.
"You know, it feels quieter than its rating suggests. Maybe it’s because of the smoothness, maybe the acoustic quality… "
“I noticed that it got considerably louder right around 5000rpm, at the same time as the mysterious cheese smell. I’m not sure how the rating is measured, but I suspect it’s by peak loudness, which in this engine’s case means that most of the time it’s quieter than the rating suggests.”
“Here comes a curve, and we’re doing 150… you know, it’s no sports car, but I was expecting far worse. Maximum skidpad grip is a nominallly unimpressive 0.84g, but realistically, how often do we approach anywhere near that on the Autobahn?”
“I expect it matters more at yet higher speed. What do road conditions allow?”
“Not much at the moment. Let’s drive on and see if it clears up later.”
It did. This time, she decided to wind out fourth. At 230kph, the tires, the road, the traffic, and her intestinal fortitude still had ample reserves, though the cabin smelled like a fondue party. Fifth gear.
"Despite the rather slapdash suspension tuning, the result is more than ok. It’s basically sound - not too firm, but firm enough that it’s still planted at… whew! 280 and still pulling! A whole lot of goat feta, though. Ok, there’s some traffic… letting off… "
She was sweating, eyes wide, knuckles stretched taut over the perforated leather steering wheel even as they slowed down for an offramp to turn around. Of course, not every drive would be like this, and it didn’t need to be; while clearly optimized for this madness, the Cerberus was decently set up for more than rocketing around at full (s)tilt(on) (with apricots). The scary thought that this might actually be usable and livable returned to her mind. That smell, though… unlike the Walf, it wasn’t a dealbreaker, and it seemed to happen only near full power, but certainly a drawback to take into consideration.
Engineering concept: A+
Engineering execution: B-
A shining example of: an extreme, somewhat cartoonishly cheesy, and not quite fully cooked take on exactly what we’re looking for. AMG Hammer minus a decade, plus a size, and borrowing a detuned Lister/Jaguar 7.0 race engine (546hp).
Verdict: Semifinals.
7 Likes
Ah yes, the old money style Imperator really profits in it’s second to last model year from the new engines, but as expected the dated chassis shows that it can’t keep up with more advanced rivals.
This is so realistic because the Imperator is one of the first cars I ever made, and I was redoing the design with the gaming experience I gained and adapting the engine and brakes for the challenge. The Chassis however was left as it was from day one.
Looking at the interior shot, the Imperator properly baked your graphic card 
That’s a great review for the car, and one that indicates that the Waldersee was received in the exact same sense that it was sent: a gratuitous transatlantic fusion with engineering that is rock-solid while remaining stone-age.
And this sums up the consequences. I might have poured inexorable (by automation engineering standards) amounts of time into trying to minimize fuel consumption, but kept banging into the lore and realism barriers I’d set up for myself: three-speed automatic, big V8, and a reliability that’s, well, as high as it is. Truth be told, the single-point itself was a concession, with a 4-barrel being my preferred option until I realized it was just going to fall short no matter what I did or now much quality I poured into it.
As an aside, it’s funny that in Imperial, the 68 mph cruise and the combined rating work out to 13.7 and 17.3 mpg, respectively - a near-perfect reverse order to the l/100km values.
2 Likes
I am glad that the outlandishness of the Cerberus was enough to keep it in contention. I won’t be surprised if it doesn’t get past the semis, but at least I can say that I entered a car that isn’t the epitome of a bog standard snoozefest.