SIX SHEETS UNDER - a movie produced in Hetvesia for TV by FFF (Film, Funk und Fernsehen) in 1995.
Disclaimer: This is totally absurd 1990s humor. I don´t think it is totally appropriate by 2024s political correctness, but I paid a lot of attention to not break a forum rule. In fact, this should still be entertaining more than offending, so it is weird and absurd, but not disturbing.
Nick Reimann, 19, is the son of the famous undertaker Gottlob Reimann - and of course loves that profession, too. He secretly loves the most popular girl in the parallel class, Bianca, but overlooks that the unpopular gothic girl Claudy actually is into him. Nick is currently practicing with his garage band, the “Dentists of Doom”, when suddenly his father storms in and yells at his son that they have to attend a funeral soon, and that he should move his ass.
While Gottlob Reimann prepares the location, Nick finishes preparation of the body and notices that the coffin is cracked, and is determined to get another one from the storage, but on the way back he spots the cheerleader and most popular girl of the school, Bianca, who Nick is secretly in love with, with another guy, Gero von Selbitz, in a yellow Cavaliere Nobile. The guy challenges Nick into a race, and both speed off.
At the same time Kriminalhauptkommissar Rainer Sordel and his partner Frank Batimus chase a criminal who has just stolen a blue Nordwagen.
Damn Frank! I want to leave reality back for our fictional show, Notruf 110! There it is much easier to get the baddies, because something strange happens and the suspect crashes!
Rainer, does this look like one of our episodes? GET ON THE GAS!
The race between the Hinode and the Cavaliere continues. But when the hearse spins, the rear hatch, not properly closed before, swings open and catapults the coffin directly towards the fugitive the two cops are after.
Rainer! ATTENTION!
I just called the department for a morning COFFEE, NOT MORINING COFFIN! But that also works. Oh dear, that guy is wasted!
OH NO! I AM SORRY! I DON´T KNOW HOW…
Hey kiddo, who are you? Is that your coffin? Thanks a lot! This comes in handy, as the department has run out of coffins. You know what? They say Frank and me are… hahahaha… a danger to the public. Frank and me? Can you believe this?
Eeeh… eeh…
My partner Rainer is totally right. That guy is … finished, and what a concidence you just helped us out with a coffin as we emptied the stock yesterday! Great! Have a nice day!
A very irritated Nick drove off and fixes the cracked coffin he had at first with some glue, and proceeds as usual, when the coffin suddenly cracks in half when lifted into the ground… the scene ends with Gottlob yelling NIIIIICHOLAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS!!!..
When Nick hides from his father and his belt, he encounters Claudy, the unpopular goth from school, who likes spending her free time among graves, performing ouija games and talking to ghosts. Nick asks her if she also could talk to his beloved grandmother, so they move to her grave and ask her, but the outcome is rather unpleasant, as the ghost spelled “I hung myself to get rid of you, and now you have nothing better to do than intruding the peace I found”.
Claudy, I think… my grandmother doesn´t hate me. Maybe you board hasn´t the best reception? It looks weird and the letters are… also weird.
Oh Nick, you know these TV cops with the blue Primus? They chased a blackmailer into Jupp Heisters bookstore in their last episode, and that was the only store to buy these ouija boards in town. I needed to order this online, and you really should not use this internet for shopping.
Inter, what?
Internet. As you might know, most goths are introverts and so we socialize via PC. I will show you the internet later. But even if this board is a scam, it DOES work. I can proof that.
Claudy then reveals to Nick that her good history grades are helped by the fact she could ask the old dead people how it was back then. A confused Nick makes the best out of it and asks Freiherr Gustaf von Varchim, a long deceased playboy, how to get the woman of his dreams. Claudy suddenly becomes sad, when Nick mentions its to get Bianca, but in all his motivation, Nick doesn´t notice. Gustafs answer is short: Money! Although Claudy tells that that is bullshit, Nick believes it: He needs money!
It seems like a perfect sign that his father accompanies his mother to Berlau, where she is hired as opera singer. Gottlob strictly tells Nick to not cause any more trouble and waves with his belt, then leaves with his Fanella. Their second car, the Hinode, is still there, but Nick has to use a logbook that will be strictly controlled, so fun drives with the car won´t be possible.
As next, he uses the company PC and Claudy builds a website for him, advertizing the basement rooms with the coffins as hotel. All 12 coffins are reserved within a short time period, as a group of necrophiles from Archana booked it instantly. The same evening, a shady man named Frag Alucard and his friends throw the cash on the table. When Nick woke up and checked the basement, not only was the group gone, also all dead bodys were taken out of the refrigerators, but Nick, not understanding what happened, just puts them back where they came from, and goes to school as usual.
At school, he tries to impress Bianca by buying her snacks, but after having taken that, she goes back to a jealous Gero and his attractive sports car. Nick, green with envy, decides to get a sports car as well. His friend and band companion Alex excitedly tells him about getting one by throwing their cash together to also get a Cavaliere Nobile to compete with Gero, but that cheap one turns out to be a lemon scam. Both guys sit devastated on the curb, as Claudy passes them by on her bike, and tells them that she is into herbal mixtures and witchcraft, and that the right mixture could be life-changing.
Meanwhile, more and more bookings of the “Eventhotel Calm Rest” are to handle, and Alex and Nick steal more and more coffins to meet the demand, and they almost mess up the undertaker business and escape catastrophes only by a small margin. Not to forget that the Hinode was now used a lot more than he could write in the logbook for assignments. And the crappy Cavaliere isn´t really usable.
After two days, the first mixture, an “honesty drink” is done, and it works just fine on the used car seller, resulting in giving back the money. But the only honest car in the price range is an old ARVA hearse… But that at least fits his business case, and as he has soon other means to get the affection of Bianca, he agrees to change the Cavaliere into the ARVA.
Claudy, spending more and more time with Nick, finally tells him the reciepe, but wanting to smuggle a hair of herself into the mixture instead the one from Bianca, but messes it up by accidentally using the hair of Gottlobs cat. When the lead singer of the garage band, Charlotte, entered for the general rehearsal with thirst, she drank the next best liquid to find - and was seen cuddling with the frightened cat soon after, inseperable and being in trance only repeatedly telling how much she loves the cat.
Nick is about to give up on anything as he is double screwed: The love drink is gone, and he won´t get Bianca into his bed - and they need a singer for their band as Charlotte is unavailable for a while, and so Claudy offers to assist. As they have no choice, as the drinks effect will fade after not less than three days, they agree despite Claudy being the most awful singer ever. With Charlottes old van, they wanted to drive to the stage, but the old Globus breaks down, so they take the hearse instead. Nicks friend and band mate Alex finally admits that a hearse would be a perfect car for a metal band.
The gig is a disaster: Their songs are now even more awful before, as Claudy can not sing at all. A famous music critic working for a successful record label is also there, at first disgusted, but then, more and more people in the audience considers the band as a clever parody, and the critics become excellent for their avantgardism and humor - and a very lucrative contract was offered.
The last scene shows a now gothic-styled Bianca hanging up a poster of Alex, Claudy, Charlotte and Nick, obviously having become a fangirl, and looking into an old book with witch reciepes, seeking for love drink instructions to get the attention of Nick. The band speeds off in a 1930s DCMW goth hearse, showing the success of the band.
THE END
Cars used by @Knugcab, @Ch_Flash, @moroza, @AndiD, @S_U_C_C_U_L_E_N_T, @Riley, @shibusu, @abg7, @AndiD and @DrDoomD1scord
It was actually built on a clone of a mafioso luxury sedan and for some unknown reason I kept all the luxury stuff in it.
