ROUND 2-2: BORN TO BE WILD
The Bunker, September 26, 7 AM
Ruinous Revolt had a Thursday gig yesterday. This is one of the reasons they really want to move up in the world: If you do, you no longer /have/ to do any weekdays with their low attendances and half-dead crowds of savvy nerds to make ends meet. Still, at least band members can usually sleep in… Unless you’re Rob, who, after passing out on the Bunker’s couch, is woken up mercilessly by David.
Rob: What the hell are you doing?
David: That rerun’s up in like an hour.
Rob: So why are you waking me up now? I swear, one of those days I’m just gonna up and murder you.
David: It’s a good habit. What’s more, I actually found a car magazine that isn’t all bullshit, and it’s got a whole piece on handling-oriented sports cars.
Rob: Well, that’s just peachy. You could’ve shown me after!
David: Yeah, I coulda. But you puked on my couch that one time.
Rob: That was two months ago, you psycho!
David: People don’t forget.
Rob: Whatever, I’ll be up in a minute. And if you don’t have a pot of coffee ready you’re a dead man.
Handling Comparison: Can You Sell a Corner?
The oil crisis has had a profound effect on the automotive industry. In the past, especially in this country, selling a car’s dynamic qualities involved dumping extra cubes into the engine compartment and watching the customer eagerly disappear into the horizon. However, now that ‘adding cubes’ is about as taboo as slugging a kitten right in its adorable face, the other three directions of movement are suddenly just as important. Big tire grip, smart differentials and suspension geometry all help with side-to-side movement, whereas all-around disc brakes and sometimes even ABS helps cars stop. But the real question is: Can any of those gimmicks excite people as much - and sell as well - as good ol’ fashioned go? In this comparison, we picked out 6 cars with nothing in common except advertised handling prowess and only two actually… habitable seats.
[Rob: So much for bringing all’a you along, huh.]
Pocono CS2300 @z2bbgr
The sports car from Pocono validates our assertion about changing standards: Even as one of two traditional-layout rear-drivers in this test, it has the proportions of a front-driver and a four-cylinder engine. Now, the engine in question is a 16-valve unit that makes 150 horsepower - which is what rival OHV engines of its size make with a turbo - but otherwise there’s nothing remarkable from the speed perspective. The problem is that while handling is the most positive thing about this car - with a well-regulated, neutral behavior that allows it to stay true and flat on any course - it’s unremarkable compared to the other cars in this test. Worse, the other parts of the car - such as interior comfort, fit and finish, running gear (the differential is open) et cetera - feel so cheap that we would expect to find them on a $9,000 car. The Pocono costs $13,900.
[Rob: I’m not feeling this article so far. You jostle me from a well-deserved rest to read about some nerds thrashing around in dressed-up shitboxes?
David: Yeah, the Pocono isn’t a good start. The problem with that outfit is that their factories are about as outdated as Elvis impersonators; even mediocrity doesn’t come cheap for 'em.]
(This entry is a non-binnable techpool error - meaning the distribution wasn’t against the rules, but it was… Well, it was the default “+2 everywhere” one. 45 techpool points down from everybody else, it’s no wonder that the car is the lowest-scoring in all of Round 2. The idea itself is something that could have been fun: A big yet still high-strung four cylinder in a rear-drive car. Kind of like an American AE86, perhaps.)
FMW Zukunft CR 4.1
The other traditional slugger in this test then, the FMW Zukunft, turns it up several notches. If the CS2300 was ‘fast enough’, the FMW - with its V8-fueled 5.9-second dash to 60 - is a bolt of lightning. And in terms of handling, it’s no worse: staggered sports tires coupled with an aggressive rear sway bar and front camber combine for razor-sharp handling, just controlled enough to be fun rather than scary - and with frightening skidpad figures. That being said, the double whammy of great straight-line speed and even better cornering couldn’t fully make us forget about the finicky “future” door mechanism, the comically blocky front end and the total lack of practicality. Plus, we’d venture to say that much of the handling that we’d come to admire on the flat track would be wasted on the road: the FMW’s ride is pretty remarkably harsh, meaning it’s harder to sense the road as you’re getting pummeled by it.
[David: Let me guess, you’re gonna get stuck on this one?
Rob: I mean, I would, but… It’s too uncanny. You got this pretty ol’ body everywhere and then it just stops in a front clip that only a mother would love, if that mother was a brick. And the father’s probably a Volvo, too.
David: Well, there’s a relief. Here I thought I’d have to shout at you to get across the fact that the doors and roof are both failure-prone, and that you’d not see your car for months trying to get them fixed.]
(Full disclosure: The FMW possesses the best overall performance score in the competition. that is doubly impressive when you realize this is a convertible. However, the cool factor of the car is spoiled somewhat by the already twice-mentioned nose, whereas my generosity towards it was wiped out when I saw that it, despite supposedly being a “car from the future” with BMW Z1-style sliding rear doors, has a detachable soft top roof, chosen no doubt to try and get a boost in stats. The stats themselves, especially reliability, are unremarkable enough that even without stirring up my displeasure, the car’s performance has to work really hard to justify it.)
Hakaru Solexa III 1600 ZZ-R @Executive
The Hakaru Solexa is the only front-driver in this test, and that has implications. The most important implication being that, despite having the form-factor and even the rear-seat cramp of a sports coupe, it’s based around a platform meant for practical city cars. The engine, a small 120-hp inline-4, is also pretty much just an economy engine, albeit with the ZZ-R trim bringing in a high-compression head that takes advantage of premium fuel. And to be fair, small rear seats aside, the Solexa is genuinely good as a city car; more surprising is the fact that the suspension is wound tight enough for the front-heavy little rascal to actually corner. It takes downright unintelligent methods of corner entry to actually make it understeer, courtesy of the torque-sensing diff; more impressively, at higher speeds the Solexa’s rear end gets light enough that - helped by the large rear sway bar - you may actually force the unpowered rear axle to break traction. In fact, during deceleration this is almost expected, and aids in rotation. So, for a front-driver, it’s a wonderfully handling car, and - compared to the previous two - substantially cheaper; if only it had some more serious power.
[Rob: That thing gives me serious mixed feelings. It actually looks pretty damn mean, what with its stripes and skirts; but they really make it seem like it has no power at all.
David: It really doesn’t, and that’s a shame - it’s actually easier to make a front-driver accelerate than to make on handle. They tried it here, and the best it comes up with is decent cornering forces and some tail-outs that happen because it lifts a wheel.]
(A case of not enough sports in the sports package. If it were a bit louder, brasher, and with tires just 10mm wider, it would have an even better contender. The looks are good and the peripheral stats were too, but a performance deficit worth half the points in that scoring category is tough to overcome at the best of times. Another gripe (confusingly, in the opposite direction) that had the car dinged was the cosmetic use of aerodynamic fixtures, which ended up giving it positive downforce at both ends - something 80s supercars tended not to have, let alone compact mini-sports cars.)
Akari Chimera 1.8 GSi DuoTop @vero94773
The Hakaru’s real problem is the existence of cars such as the similarly-branded Akari Chimera. One of the several recent mid-engined compact sports cars, it touts city-car economy - though definitely not practicality - combined with almost club race-like handling. It carries over many of the virtues found in its front-drive countryman: helical torque-sensing differential, high-compression 4-cylinder engine (though in this case, a 1.8 liter unit which actually extracts a more substantial 140 horsepower), and great nimbleness. Like the FMW but unlike the other two cars mentioned so far, this one came equipped with the technological flex of ABS - which also brought it in line with the price of the FMW. Compared to the big V8 convertible, it’s not as fast or ferocious, but at 6.4s to 60 and a 14-second range quarter mile, it’s hardly slow; and unlike the Zukunft, which stands on the edge of being controllable enough, the Akari is accessible and controllable. More importantly still, it is tremendously well-built.
[Rob: Well, that basically answers my dilemma on the previous car. Or are you gonna tell me I can’t afford to service this one either?
David: Nah, this one’s fine. It’s still a mid-engined car - and one that doesn’t look as much a million bucks as did the Hinode - but it will save you or your service guy a lot of man-hours when there’s no turbo clogging up the engine bay.]
(This one is very period-correct, it’s very sporty, it’s very reliable - the advantages just pile up, and altogether this mirrors the way in which the MR2 in the 1980s was a much more compelling driver’s car in comparison to a sporty Corolla when that went front-drive. If there’s one complaint, it’s that the front of the car looks a bit new and honestly a bit bland compared to the rest of it - the temptation to avoid just having pop-ups here is understandable, but it didn’t pay off.)
KMA KX4 1.6 Coupe @abg7
The Chimera has an adversary of its own: the more ferocious-looking KMA KX4. In terms of power solutions, the KX4 is the madder one, screaming out 5 more horsepower out of a smaller engine by way of such power adders as individual throttle bodies, long headers and extremely high-life camshafts. Though these all should make the engine sound very good, KMA decided on muffling it well so as to not be too tiring to the ear. How unfortunate, then, that at highway speeds the short gearing ensures the car yells at you in a language called "3500 RPM drone " - and cannot, in fact, idle at much lower than 1500. But enough about the irrational powertrain; the KX4 just… handles. Perhaps somewhat scarier than the Akari, it is also measurably grippier and more taut, and will beat the other car on a track nine times out of ten. It’ll look showier while doing it, too. However, it’s just… That much less pleasant.
[David: So, what’s your take on this thing?
Rob: Well, it does look a lot meaner than the Akari. And it also sounds like a real pain in the ass - though the author mighta laid it on a bit thick.
David: That probably means he drove it and it seriously got on his nerves. Drony gearing in a car that’s too muffled to sound as good as it should… Worst of both worlds, if you ask me.]
(This is your brain on pure performance. No other car left in the competition even uses longtubes - or idles this nauseatingly high. In terms of handling score, though, it is pretty much peerless. Looks - like the characters have said - very mean, if a bit play-doh-ish.)
Midlands Cygnus GX @Portalkat42
If you’re the kind of person who just wants to stand out, though, the KMA pales in comparison to the Midlands Cygnus. Its engine is behind the rear wheels, and it powers all of them with a full-time, viscous-coupled system - a result of the entire model line being derived from all-out rally cars. This particular Cygnus is motivated by a European quad-cam V6 pushing out 160 horsepower. Though light compared to the V8 Zukunft, the Cygnus’ unusual drive makes it the second-heaviest car in the test - and compared to the mid-engined ones and the hot German, it is slower. It’s a true 2-seater, though a hatchback rear means decent cargo space if you don’t mind your groceries cooked before you get home (that said, there’s also a front compartment). the Midlands is a very graceful performer: Its wide tires and the four-wheel-drive system serve to equalize the load on all tires despite the rear-drive weight distribution, ensuring neutral - at times even slightly understeery - handling. The car is grippy despite not having the most aggressive tire compound, but suffers from a peculiar tuning flaw: Following a bump, the car tends to rock back and forth, the ends refusing to sync up. The fit and finish is good, if not necessarily stellar.
[Rob: You know, it’s strange. For all of the praise the reviewer’s giving the car, he doesn’t sound all that excited about it.
David: Maybe excitement isn’t all you can find in a car. It’s very much my type - intelligent. I do worry about maintaining that fancy drive, though.]
(This car certainly delivers in terms of proving that there’s a spot for a rear-engined car in this niche - and perhaps 80s motoring in general - the near-super 911 aside. It’s not as sporty as the mid-engined twins, but arguably better-looking and very detailed, and it does get to a higher top speed. That said, it is both less reliable and more costly to service than both, and while I appreciate the “solution” to the practicality question, let’s be honest, that placement of the interior floor above the engine is extremely tight. You would have had a metal door and then a carpet there, with a gap similar to one in a front-engine car’s hood. Overall, this car’s a good effort.)
Our staff didn’t hesitate to discard the outlier Pocono - which was both unremarkable and expensive - but the rest were a more difficult matter. The Zukunft is a terrifying performer, but it is somewhat outdone in pure handling by the somewhat less problematic KX4 - with the absolutely rock-solid yet still fun Akari Chimera agonizingly close behind. The Solexa, meanwhile, didn’t measure up in any sort of performance capacity, but we were still drawn to it due to what it could do while also presenting as a perfectly cromulent city car. The Cygnet, despite its blood-and-guts rally origins, actually had a similar effect, if one closer to the performance cars on the scale of sense vs sensation.
Of those latter five, each is a worthy choice, but that was not the point of this exercise. We wanted to answer a question: Is handling a selling point now? Can you make people spend money - or sacrifice creature comforts - for handling? Well, the answer is: It depends. Despite the KX4 and Zukunft scoring the best on handling prowess, few of us actually gravitated towards them - but on the other hand, if we were asked to choose between the Solexa and the Chimera, most of us would go for the Chimera. The difference? In the latter case, while we were giving up a fair amount of usability, we were not giving up a sense of solidity and trustworthiness in the car. Thus, our verdict is as such: You can sell a car on handling, if you don’t tie a whole bunch of issues to it.
Rob: Well, that was some overly-philosophical crap.
David: I’ll admit, this article is weird to read. Almost like the writer came up with a theme for the review, lost the plot, then tried to tie it up at the end. Doesn’t matter much, though; what did you get out of it?
Rob: Well, they’re probably right about the Pocono - and about the whole Solexa/Chimera thing. If I can get a good front-engined car or a good mid-engined car for similar prices, I know what I’m going for.
David: What about the Cygnet?
Rob: It’s pretty tempting, but I also can’t say I’m that impressed with what they say it offers. Yeah, it’s graceful. Yeah, it’s not slow. Yeah, maybe if you’re smart you can stuff a bunch of your things into it. In the end it’s just… Less impressive than a Chimera. Also less impressive than the KX4 and the pug-nose, but like the guy in the magazine said: they’re jank.
David: And here I thought I could have you driving the smartest sporty car there is.
Rob: You’re richer than I am, go get one yourself. I want the fun first and the nerding-out never.
FINALISTS FROM ROUND 2-2:
you are alone
