Seems pretty self explanatory…
2 Likes
Fug.
Yeah, this was a common problem. If I ever win hosting again, I’ll have to remember you guys read directions just like mechanics. The first half, of the first sentence.
2nd instabin in a row.
oof.
This is the most tense I have been yet. There is much suspense.
ELEMINATIONS - ROUND 1
These are the cars that just didn't grab the attention, or were in some way unsuited to the customers taste.
As another Friday evening draws near a close Andrew, and his neighbor slip into philosophical conversation on the back deck at Casa-de-doublewide over a shared love of the brew.
“Stuart,” Andrew begins, “this case is going to be a whole new life for me!”
“We drink a case every weekend, how is this one going to change your life?” Stuart replies.
After a pensive pause Andrew replies, “Not the case of beer, my court case. A hundred-forty...THOUSAND little problem solvers, funneled right in my account. AND, you hear me Stuart? And, it’s my account. Not gonna’ get pissed into a little yellow pill, or whatever the hell else Linda calls a job.”
“A new life,” Stuart begins thinking to himself, “you are more right than you thought, why isn’t it a new life, man. You lost everything in that divorce, but now you’re a free man. Grab that cash, and be a whole new free man.”
“I’m already on it Stuart,” Andrew replies beaming, “got myself a shopping list. Gonna’ pay off my tool man, gonna buy this lot, and most of all, Stuart, I’m gonna start working half weeks, and sit in my cozy trailer while she basks in that ROTTING house!”
“That’s a plan,” Stuart starts, “but think about this. How much of that money is going to put you where you would be if you didn't knock up the old lady after prom? I mean, think about it man, you could buy a new house, and I don’t mean new to you, I mean build one the way you like. Pay off a new car, start this millennium thing as if that whole marriage never happened.”
“You know what Stuart,” Andrew replies excitedly, “I like you. You're not like the other people, here, in the trailer park. I just installed the internet on my computer, let's go see what’s out there.”
After about 3 hours, Andrew had about half a dozen house layouts he was interested in building. The build price for all of them was near the 6 figure mark, so that means he has around $40,000 for a new car.”
“Alright, Stuart,” Andrew begins, reaching for his Oxycontin, “We got the house, but what about this car? All I know is what we sell, and I don’t want to drive something I fix every day. I want something cool, something classy, and classic. I want a car that makes a statement, a car you see coming, and miss when it goes. What do ya got?” He cracks a fresh Pabst Blue Ribbon in anticipation of the answer.
Stuart, feeling the aire of a midlife crisis, starts rattling off the short list of dream cars, “Well, there is the S88?”
“The S… eighty… eight,” Andrew types into Netscape. “What, no Stuart, not a Porsche. Do I look like a Porsche guy to you?”
“It’s a Persche, not a Porsche,” Stuart corrects.
“A Persche?! What is that, some store-brand knockoff? That ain't the car I’m after,” Andrew answers indignantly, “and how much does this thing cost to fix? I ain’t buying a money pit.”
The inspiration is obvious, and despite the timeless 911 styling, it’s not really a retro cruiser. Also, it actually does have the highest service costs by almost $1000 over average.
@ldub0775 is binned.
“If that’s not your speed,” Stuart continued, “what about a Paucity? They make a roadster version.”
“A Paucity Roadster,” Andrew pondered, “It’s a good looking car, but I swear I passed six of them today over by the highschool. Whatever happened to classy and classic?”
Looks super contemporary for 2001.
@goblin95 is binned.
Stuart furrowed his brow, “Alright, a classic vibe. How about a BellaVia Lusso, or a Somervell Bayonet?”
“Dammit Stuart,” Andrew replies having seen the cars, “That one has a weird manta ray mouth, and some coke bottle glasses,” gesturing to the Bayonet, “and that one,” staring blankly at the BellaVia, “I can’t even describe that one. These are the cars that drive 10 mph under the speed limit on the way to the social security office.”
Both of these cars lack any pizzazz overall. They’re the car for an old man accepting he’s old.
Both @fasmukji & @Texaslav are binned.
Stuart, starting to guess at this point, “So you want something classic looking, but with a sporty flair? I’m thinking maybe a Kliment Dune, or even a Boxwell One might be getting closer?”
Andrew pulls up the two new cars in his search. “That Kliment, you could tell me that some kid took their Mustang, and stuck some aftermarket racing grill on it, and I wouldn’t question it. I mean, c’mon Stuart, the bumpers ain't been painted yet. And who uses red primer?”
There’s nothing you like about this one either?” Stuart asks, getting annoyed by his friend's drunken dismissals?
“Well, no, yeah,” Andrew stutters, “it has the same problem as the Boxwell. It’s a convertible, and I have decided I do want that. The car looks good, but there is something strange going on at the ends. It looks like a classic car somebody dolled up too far. Like putin’ Miss America makeup on grandma or something.”
Both of these cars just look odd, not bad, just like 2 incongruent ideas got shoved together.
@Endfinity & @Kursk are binned.
“Alright,” said Stuart, with a new angle on the topic, “we may be on to something. Have you seen a Branson-Bradford?”
“Only if it’s a lawyer,” Andrew replied, typing in the new car. The first image was of the rear quartered view. “Yesss, now that’s more like it,” he began marveling at the curves, and stance of the roadster,
before clicking to the front view, “Now THIS is… what the hell happened? It’s the bumper problem all over again. This car looks like my fat-ass aunt's dog, the one with the breathing problems.”
A really nice example of a roadster, let down by the abrupt halt in the curves up front.
@vero94773 & @yurimacs are binned.
“I think we’re on to something here,” Stuart began again, “punch up the Warbler Slamtruck.”
“I don’t need a truck,” Andrew protested looking it up anyway, “A’ite. This is… This is a thing. It doesn't look bad, but I can’t see it without, uh... Stuart, who are those guys with the fez hats, and the tiny cars, they do parades and… SHRINERS, that's it, shriners. This is a shriner car if I ever seen one.”
“What’s wrong with shriners,” Stuart asked somewhat taken aback?
“Nothing,” Andrew replied quickly, “but I ain’t a shriner, and this is a car, not a costume. Don’t want to send the wrong message here.”
An interesting submission, with some subtle rat-rod vibes. Not a good fit overall however.
@HelloHi is binned.
“So definitely an old car,” Stuart continued, getting a feel for what his friend was searching for “How about a Greenhill Tweed?”
“Tweed, like the jacket” Andrew asked, while finding the car, “Stuart, that poor thang looks like somebody blowed up a toad.”
“So we’re not married to the 50’s...” Stuart began.
“I aint married to nothing anymore,” Andrew cut him off.
Again, we have a very solid and stylish base, but the fixtures just let it down at the last moments.
@AndiD is binned.
“And I don’t intend to get shackled…” Andrew was cut off by the loud crash of a toppled trash can, “Is that damn big lizard in my backyard again?!”
“Dang man, if that critter is out it’s too late for me.” Stuart interjected, “I got to move a trailer tomorrow.”
As Stuart left Andrew pondered his options for the scaly trash bandit. He decided that it was safer to rake up the mess in the morning than risk getting bit tonight. He grabbed a Xanax to drown out the noise of the impromptu buffet, and passed out on his pull out couch.
If you are in this list, you go into next round:
@Petakabras
@abg7
@TheYugo45GV
@thecarlover
@GassTiresandOil
@Arn38fr
@cake_ape
@Kyorg & @karhgath
@mart1n2005
@kobacrashi
@nightwave
@desperatedonut5
11 Likes
Holy Christ, that’s a style purge if I’ve ever seen one! Looking back on making the Bayonet, the front styling was the most annoying part to work on, and I guess it didn’t work out after all. I would’ve loved it to at least get to a point where stats are considered, though.
Good luck to the (semi?)finalists!
4 Likes
Can I have her file?
Seems like my decision to enter a brutish pony car in a classy roadster fight has paid off - for now. Having just realized that it didn’t fall at either of the first two hurdles makes me appreciate the forethought I put into making my fixed-head coupe, manual-transmission-equipped, 300-horsepower, OHV V8-powered, IRS-equipped retro pony car (complete with front airbags on both sides!) even more than before.
5 Likes
Darn it, I might’ve been in with something if I remembered that damn advanced safety.
2 Likes
oh well it was worth a shot, this was fun nonetheless
3 Likes
also i guess because i dont have a car in the race anymore i might as well send out the .car file in case anyone wants to do anything with it
CSR136_-ldub0775-Persche-_S88.car (37.5 KB)
Wait, I made it to Round 2? Are we sure? Can I get a recount?
1 Like
CSR inter-round trivia 2
When bragging about his imminent settlement payout, Andrew makes a derogatory comment about his ex-wife’s career. His description is a reference to what song?
Hint: The song was released in 1966.
Roger Miller - Husbands & Wives?
Is the afformentioned derogatory comment somewhere in the thread, to get a further hint?
Not the right answer, but that is a nice reflective song. I like it.
The comment is in the thread, in the round 1 write up.
Oh, probably the Stones’ Mother’s Little Helper then, based on the yellow pill comment.
1 Like
Bingo, that’s it.
CSR inter-round trivia 3.
Both the neighbor at the beginning of the narrative, and the interrption at the end of the story are references to this band.
Hint: A lyric from each song is near their introduction.
The neighbor is named Stuart, after the song of the same title. The big lizard is also a self titled song.
Both are by The Dead Milkmen.
CSR inter-round trivia 4.
Linda is employed in what industry?
Hint: I am not looking for the company name, but the type of business.