ATTENTION ALL SHITHEADS
Make sure to bring all the good stuff you can, be it drinks, kush, or whatever else. The first day of camp is gonna be one you’ll never forget (but the characters likely will)
Prologue
Team Information: Shitbox Rally 2023 - Entries Open! - #52 by TheYugo45GV
Please Remain Seated
Despite the freighter’s velocity, the only sound was the deep, low frequency rumble of its engines. As per the procedures for passenger transport, everyone had to remain strapped in and seated because of zero gravity and the fact they were rocketing along at faster than lightspeed. Earth lay 17 hours away via faster than light travel, about a lightyear and a half away from Deicarro. As of right now, the journey was about halfway complete, with about 8 and a half hours remaining.
Landon sat in the passenger seat of the Ambassador, on his tablet, rereading the email for the event. Meanwhile, Karl was to his left, the seat reclined all the way, asleep. Every so often, he produced an annoying, audible, snore of varying length. Just now it had been the sixth time in 10 minutes, and a total of 56 for the past few hours. And–.
The thought was interrupted by another snore. A sigh of exasperation came from the uniformed fox.
“Fucking hell. Do you have to snore that loudly?” Landon asked, a bit too sharply.
“Shut your sound and let me sleep. Wake me up when we arrive.” Replied Karl, groggily as he turned on his side towards the driver window of the car.
A roll of his eyes was the only response Landon gave, it didn’t matter whether Karl noticed or not. Without much further annoyance, he eventually drifted off to sleep, and stayed that way for the rest of the journey.
Eventually, the low rumble faded and the ship decelerated as it dropped out from its warp jump, far enough away not to damage the Earth’s atmosphere and not collide with satellites, but not so far away that it would take months or weeks to land on the planet.
From a loudspeaker overhead, came the voice of one of the freighter pilots. “We have arrived. I hope this journey was worth it Mr. Heislingberg.”
To Be Continued.
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Team M.A.D.
Part Zero Point One
Arrival
Dust. Sand. Rock. Sky.
Not the worst B roll footage. M.A.D have made a choice. Well, more accurately, Max and Renee made a choice. They would arrive directly at the earliest chance. Left Vegas as early would get them to the start by 1259. Teams were not really meant to be there until 1300. Renee wanted to see the teams show up. Makes for good footage. Hordes of various quality machinery descending over the Mojave.
Max looked at his watch. They happened to be a few minutes ahead of schedule, as the UtilXL ahead pulled off to the side of the road. Vic and Max followed suit in the Citrine. Renee hopped out the truck as quick as she could, ran back to the Citrine, and popped open the rear door.
“There’s something coming from the site. Urijah reckons we should record whatever it is as it passes us.” She spurted towards the occupants, pulling one of the primary cameras from the SUV. What passed them was a military convoy. Could they even include that in the film? That’s a question for later.
That stop – that footage – is what ended up making them arrive later than expected. 1307.
The base camp was obvious. An easy spot, such a distinct feature within the plain landscape. Urijah pulled off to the side of the road to allow the Citrine to take the lead. The Hosts, obviously the first ones there. Victoria turned the Blue machine into the camp, the fire truck following behind. Max wound his window down and asked where the hell they should park.
The team prioritised setting themselves up for recording. Camera 1 on the top of the UtilXl on a 360° mount, Renee on that one. Camera 2 would be carried around by Maxim, on a shoulder mount. With this sorted, organised, they decided to head over to the hosts, make introductions, maybe get some interviews.
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TEAM HILLBILLY ROLLERS
PART 0.15 - PROLOGUE(INTERLUDE)
Earlier parts
11th of March 2023
Janne: (calling arne)
Arne: “Arne’s 4x4 and offroader service”
Janne: “Hey! It’s Janne Mäkitalo. Are you up for something fun?”
Arne: “Well…that depends on if we have the same opinion about what’s fun in this case.”
Janne: “How about a shitbox rally in a place that I can guarantee that you have never been before? Sure, it is not that offroading heavy but still…primitive roads in a primitive society.”
Arne: “And you’re sure that I have never been there? How can you be…”
Janne: “Ehm… Uhm… It is a VERY long story…and…”
Arne: “Uhm…ah, what the heck, it can’t be worse than the Philippines in 1979 anyway!”
Janne: “The Philippines in 1979?”
Arne: “Now THAT is a VERY long story if anything, you know.”
Janne: “So you are interested?”
Arne: “Yeah! Of course. Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”
Janne: “Ehm…then there is another problem. We need some vehicle.”
Arne: “Let me guess…since I know you, you’re planning to put together a barely driveable IP Rugger out of all the shit ones I have.”
Janne: “OK, you win. First prize is a green sandwich that smells horrible.”
Arne: “Now that’s something…”
Janne: “And another thing. Could we use the Sanju as a service vehicle and camper? I mean, they are unkillable after all…”
Arne: “I don’t know…they are kind of rare and I have been looking for one for such a long time now…”
Janne: “Oh, relax. We were there last year. It wasn’t harsh on the vehicles at all. Just like a normal sunday drive.”
Arne: “OK, I believ….NO, YOU STUPID MUTT, YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT OLD TRACTOR TYRES! HEY! LET THAT ONE LOOSE AND DO IT NOW!”
Janne: “Time to feed the rottweiler I guess?”
Arne: “Watchdog have had too lazy life lately. Not enough scrapmetal thiever being around here the last weeks. I guess he has gotten no tasty bites of their asses then either.”
Janne: “But well, I’ll be at your place with my plans then in some days."
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Team Mravolinski-Chitco
Part 0.2: Toto-Africa vibe
Brake...not
Cars are cruising on highways of US.
Ok, we can hardly call that a cruise in actual sense, considering that driver in that case would happen to be smooth and of not particularly high pace.
Chicota, despite being seated behind the wheel of low-power heavy truck, still decided to exercise gas pedal at any opportunity which appears to guarantee he would have no particular reason to slow down for some time.
Amanda is driving the wagon and, despite not necessarily being aggressive driver per se, is mimicking Chicota’s approach in order to keep up with truck in front.
-So, anything we should know beforehand, boss?
-Uhh…Andrea? I think he is refering to you…I dont actually know who may be boss…
-Rest of us decided its most apt for you to assume leadership position, as you did fully participated.
And i dont think hosts would mind your…lack of qualifications.
-They might mind it, but i think we are on good terms with them
Or…well…i like to think as such
(Pi continues talking)
As for answering question:
One thing that Chicota may want to know specifically: they have zero-tolerance on drinking and driving.
Your father havent drank beer while driving and same-ish behaviour would likely be expected of you as well, despite fact neither could have gotten drunk.
We are seen as very big team, “we” refers to us and whoever else is going to be in camp.
-So only person we are allowed to behave to in asshole way is Amanda?
-Which Amanda…oh ye, our Amanda…yes, mainly bcos she is confirmed asshole herself.
(Said asshole decided to comment on this by lowering down her window and literally sctreaming through it)
-As long as you acknowledge im stronger than anyone else bar Chicota in team, fair enough.
Also we should really get CB radios.
(Pi was taken aback by rather loud response. Unfortunately, CB radios are very good point indeed
At this point rather empty patch of tarmac called highway was well…empty.
There also seemed to be some other motorist being on same side, same direction and same sense of hurry)
-Who tf is that and why they are approaching us so fast?
-IN NAME OF LAW, GOOD DONUTS AND THIS HERE BRICKSLEY, PULL OVER!!!
-Gentleman, im not undestanding either. But it seems to be…
-PULL TF OVER I HAVE NO TIME FOR THIS SHIT.
THIS IS POLICE!!!
-So i guess we are busted?
-Ye, we cant really outrun him and, well, we dont want to have some trouble with law.
(Chicota rolled down window and decided to announce that he is braking.
Information was transfered to Amanda, but, due to its windows being up and occupants likely not expecting to receive information in such fashion,
boys in blue havent got the memo in their barge
Braking has happened
Saguaro had slowed down, but expecting that Kontir will deccelerate more slowly.
There is now some fluid on windshield and not much slowing down from pickup
Also, obvious need to clarify: i had planned this to be the case, but havent really gotten into details on police vehicle originally.
Now that i think of it Bricksley, like one used in 24h clunkers 2022 but in much better condition, would be pretty much perfect candidate)
-PULL OVER!!!
(Chicota had decided to gesture with his hand about lowering…something.
Luckily, driver of Bricksley had figured out that maybe this something would happen to be window)
-The fuck are you doing, man?
-SEEMS OUR BRAKES DONT REALLY WORK NOW.
-You gotta be kidding me…
-I WENT DOWN AS HARD AS I COULD ON BRAKE, BUT NOTHING.
I HAVE MY SUSPICIONS AND AM WILLING TO COOPERATE JUST GIMME SOME MORE TIME TO SLOW DOWN VIA INERTIA AND SHIT.
(Police car had went tad bit slower, now being on level with Saguaro.
BRAKE was heard, and indeed brake lights worked but pickup wasnt losing speed in such fashion.
Considering his colleague was not willing to do anything, driver keyed megaphone)
-OK, WE GOT IT. JUST TAKE FOOT OFF GAS PEDAL AND WE WILL STOP EVENTUALLY.
-GOT IT.
-When they fucking stop…
-…i will take over on that manner. We will swap seats so even if they DO try anything funny, they will not get away.
-How tf are you so calm?
-Our job is stressful by its very definition. So you gotta choose carefully what would make you stressed.
(Trio of cars eventually did found nice patch of land to stop on.
Kontir would be between Bricksley and Saguaro.
As was hinted earlier, cops had indeed switched seats so hothead was in hot seat now, while (now) co-driver went to truck)
-Oh well, you were both speeding AND “blessed” with brake failure.
-You arent likely to believe me, but brakes worked fine at beggining of the journey.
Either some brake line had gotten bust or brake fluid was not properly filled in.
This is old truck and was prepped by few individuals who prob werent experts by any means
-After taking a peek under, seems something is leaking
Oh…also noticed that wagon was also speeding and is also here.
-Yes, bcos we are team using two cars.
I suggest all stuff you have to say are to be discussed with me, as that driver is temperamental individual.
-HEY! I may be an asshole, but im not going to attack law officers or something to that logic.
-You admit to speeding?
-Look buddy, i can also admit on killing thousands upon thousands of bad guys.
Being robot, i kinda dont need to feel sense of guilt.
-You are very likely in collective trouble, so i suggest developing sense of guilt.
Whats the rush anyway?
-Not sure if thats really your business officer, but…we do plan to go and participate in some kinda race.
Starting point is in Nevada
-And yet, you are going with two relatively old cars that surely arent much of racers.
-Point is exactly in obtaining some shitboxes.
But also in having fun.
-Aint much fun if you need to wrench tad bit when its broken down
-Wouldnt be much of excitement if it all goes to plan.
-Well, plans of both of us are certainly disrupted now anyway.
You are by default in quite a bit of a trouble, since speeding and car is not exactly in drivable condition.
What goes to your advantage is fact that otherwise we were just about only cars on road and you arent being dick about it all.
-Eh, “drivable condition” is rather relative term.
I do agree, but i would be open to note that seems we would have quite some job on preparations anyway.
This and some other critical underlying issues can be fixed or prevented from happening, obviously not on side of the road.
(Head of another policeman peeked out of window and he decided to note something of immense importance)
-We are out of soda and donuts. You know i get very cranky when thats the case.
-As if he isnt already cranky…im glad im talking to you and not him
-Make yourself heard and you might have pleasure to do so.
-(In Serbian) Can we get something to eat? And when are we moving from this goddamn road?
-(Serbian) First we need to sort out this issue we got in for speeding. Also brakes are not working, and he isnt letting us go with that issue for…understandable reasons.
(English) Apparently some of members here would too appreciate some food and not being on side of road getting nowhere.
And yes, that dog did talked in human language, Serbian to be precise.
-I can understand the issues, but its on you for getting into situation in first place.
-Just give them a fucking fine and we go to eat.
-They cant stop the vehicle due to busted brake lines now.
-Ok, two fines.
-We could be going to workshop and fixing this issue. And i feel you better hope they do have something to renew your supplies bcos otherwise your teammate is going to go nuts.
(At this point highway is richer for one new car that deserves special mention.
Policeman still in car had took handheld speed camera and noted out speed of approaching car.
Upon doing this and noting that car in question is in fact speeding, he fired up V8, flicked off lights and siren and moved such that car is partially back on road…and very much visible to these guys approaching
This meant it was also bigger target if one, say, decided to throw couple eggs at it.
Upon receiving few eggs, some of which entered cabin through still open driver window, panda-colored Bricksley was onto its next target.)
-Hey asshole, you are leaving me here.
-I gotta catch this scum
(Bricksley leaves)
-(Sighs) I guess i could use a ride to nearest town.
-We do have enough space to accomodate…4 more people if my math is right.
Ye, we do.
-Will take it.
-Amanda, you will now transport our honorary team member.
-Fine.
(Cars had started moving. Saguaro now took the lead, as it contained guy that knew where they need to go.)
-Now that i think about it, having a policeman in car is actually not as bad of outcome.
After all, its very likely your station might have some old CB radios that can be bought and used.
Both me and Chicota can shout at each other, but CB would be much more civilised solution.
-You have more pressing issues atm.
-What pressing issues…oh, yeah…
Thats nothing: we can check and repair cars so we can more-or-less rely on them during the journey we plan to take.
Speeding tickets can be paid, but that might thin our budget for something else.
-Eh, you could have driven at speed limit instead.
-We prob assumed you would ignore us or, well, that we would not encounter any boys in blue on trip to Nevada.
-Where are you from?
-Depends on who is supposed to answer.
Most of team originally has roots from small country in south-east Europe called Serbia, as in they are born or created or technically based on someone from that country.
One member has unknown origins from my perspective: cat was found as kitten by our dog, who then proceeded to adopt him as his own.
And since dog had spent fair amount of his time being stray dog travelling through Europe…well, you get the point.
One member is born and living in Sweden.
Before you ask, yes, Serbian police is just as competent as you happen to be: if someone is speeding and they are caught doing so, they will face consequences.
I just think that bcos we are known to not cause any further trouble besides speeding, we are usually left alone.
-I have heard fair bit of stuff about place.
-I dont doubt that. Serbia is definitely wonderful place in many aspects: has welcoming people, nice food and there is no bias towards some aspects of human differentiation.
That being said, general population tends to be divided in fair amount of matters.
-Here is our exit.
-Yes. We will drive to workshop to get to fix stuff right away, if you will.
-I…i guess that works.
Workshop shenanigans
(Workshop was open and not lot of traffic
Chicota was able to confirm suspicions and decided to fix it with what was avaiable to atleast make a drivable vehicle
Cop had decided to ironically call 911 with his cellphone in order to announce that he is alive and well and is in workshop.
Mat was nearby and had took note of call, prompting approach)
-…so, you are saying me that these two cars had convoyed at high speeds on highway?
-Yes.
-And one of those vehicles got broken brake line?
-Yes
-Admited the guilt?
-Yes.
-Hmm, what else do we want to attach to them?
-I guess thats enough. These, as it turns out, werent bad people.
My beloved mate had seen some other speeders and decided i shall eat dust.
I got lift to workshop in nearest town so they can fix brake lines and shit.
-Is that someone in police station you are talking with?
-My calls shall not concern you.
-Who…what is happening there?
-One of people from vehicles i just described has asked with whom im talking through phone.
-If thats some other policeman in local police station, can you give me a phone for a second?
-No and thats my final answer.
-What was asked?
-To give phone to him in case some other cop is on other side.
-Why?
-Eh whatever. Ok but make it quick.
-Hello there. Im interested in whether or not you have some old CB radios that we can use?
-…What?..Uhhh, i genuinely have no fucking idea…
Why?
-We plan on taking journey into…lets say kinda unknown territory…or atleast i think so.
Two members of our group can scream at each other through open windows, but this approach has its disadvantages.
-That can be used as tool for more speeding of you lot.
-Device can be set up on some…civilian frequency.
-You could set it back and listen to our communications.
And judging on your history, we wouldnt want that.
-Sigh. We will leave it at that. Officer, i finished my part of talking.
(Phone changed hands)
-Im back.
-I will send someone to pick you up and send them the bill.
-Ok.
(Terrifying sound of V8 was soon heard from parking lot
Even more terrifying was sound of someone hurling themselves towards workshop)
-AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
YOUUUUUU…YOU DISRUPTED MY LUNCH BREAK
I…WAS ABOUT TO GET SOMETHING PROPER TO EAT, BUT WAS SENT INTO THIS SHITHOLE
-We didnt miss you either. Im not sure why you were sent in first place tbh, your friend is already watching us to make sure we dont escape.
-Im picking him up…and also your fine is here.
-Ah ok, you are leaving us alone…fine, lets see numbers.
-What the fuck you did to our car?
-Whaaaat…oh that, i needed to get those egg-throwers out off road.
(Chicota and cops were now looking at Grand Warden, itself being in need of some repairs.
Its front was no longer in pristine condition, as it was used to push another vehicle off
Some small kid took opportunity to familiarize itself with driver seat of cruiser as front door was wide open
Relative peace that this place might have had was ruined by car’s sirens: both of regular and police kind)
-Now onto how to pay all of this shit…lets see…
-Now i can get proper break.
-Maybe…
After about 30 minutes of WEE WOO WEE WOO BEEP WEE WOO BEEEEP instrumental courtesy of kid still in car, Chicota approached cops.
-You might consider telling the kid to not empty up your battery.
Also, car is still running.
-Thanks for consideration, but that wouldnt be necessary.
SLAM
Kid found gas pedal…and wall.
-I prob should have said earlier.
-Ye…
-Its prob bad enough to not be advisable heading to station in it.
We will keep each other company for quite some time.
Kid ended up being badly scolded considering the parent that was around was very pissed at what unraveled.
Said parent also did so with cops. Feelings were mutual in that regard, however.
In meantime, Kontir was getting considered as kinda finished, but someone had the bright idea of emulating previous year in terms of camper
As was previous year, Mat somehow found adequate pieces in local scrap.
Some policeman arriving in meantime scolded cop duo already here bcos of damaged car.
Then led them to car and they left workshop.
Station was nearby, so they had returned with some dude in tow.
-Totaled!!!
Tf are you talking about?!?
-Truth. We lack money to get parts that are needed to order to fix this shit.
-Oh, we have some big fines to check out.
-Ah, i forgot about bringing a mechanic, which would cost extra.
-Nah, they already have mechanic.
-Oh, whom?
-I know a guy.
-Can “guy” start about now and prepare it for tommorow?
-Uhhh…yes?
-Perfect!
Guy in question was Chicota/himself, who decided cops without cruiser would be miserable.
Well, he knew one of them who would not be fond of just sitting around…
-It was generous to give until tommorrow. These are sturdy and fair bit of stuff can be just hammered back in shape.
-Yea, about that…
Some more cars entered parking lot, none of which seemed to be in good condition.
-Amanda, seems we are going to maintain a fleet tonight.
-Argh…why am i thrown into this?
-You are an asshole.
Also bcos of fact you know how to fix stuff and can be strong pretty much all the time.
But mostly bcos of asshole.
-Uhm, yea, our police station lacks mechanic and pretty much everyone around would rip us off…so opportunity to not be missed.
-We get it.
With that in mind, they had adopted approach of fixing stuff as cheaply as possible, reusing existing parts whenever possible.
This meant utilising sledgehammer fair bit more than they expected, as some of these had bodywork-related issues.
Also beats need to install new panels.
-Thats so ugly, bro. Your guy couldnt have installed it in prettier fashion?
Whats he, inadequate?
-I would say cheap, as that part was already on car. New part is still in box and will be used when there is no hope for this one.
Prob could have been done with more attention in terms of how convincing car looks like it wasnt dented by hitting another car at about 10 mph difference in speed, but it will get dented anyway.
-In that case, absolutely briliant solution.
-We now need to get back to our own cars.
-Also if you can give us few old CBs that you are not gonna use anymore, that would be appreciated.
-How many?
-Two.
Two old CBs were indeed received and would now be put into cars.
Most of police force had left, with exception of duo we encountered at beggining and ofc their Bricksley.
Ok, hot-head went elsewhere, prob for lunch of something.
-Oh wait, fine…argh this is hard to swallow number.
-Its supposed to be like that, so it discourages from further speeding.
-Im aware. This is still not quite right…i dont recall assaulting the officer.
-Oh…what? He…literally blended your speeding ticket and ticket of those he alone chased yesterday.
Values are all inflated…
(Sighs)
You know what? You are free to go.
-Wait, really?
-Im making decision on my own, seeing you lot are good people.
This already held you back by fair amount and…you did repaired everything that was to be repaired.
Lot of spare parts otherwise wasted bcos someone would not give effort to make old one work could wait tad bit longer.
-Well, now atleast im sure nothing would unexpectedly give up on us during journey.
And…well…thanks for being good person as well.
On that note, they finally and fully parted their ways.
Group decided not to speed…for now, atleast.
CBs needed some love, but soon they were considered operational.
Camp
Further down the road, final tweaks and adjustments were made.
Everything was deemed atleast good enough to go and group was preparing to enter the camp.
Considering it was decided to give oldies taste in American motoring, entrance in camp was not spectacular and at 2pm on last day of March they arrived.
As of time of writing this part, only one team legitimately seemed like shitbox group.
Rest was…kinda confusing.
Did hosts brought out some TV crew to follow journey? Knowing that where they are going TV signal is unlikely to reside had indeed confused them.
Also…how exactly is this plethora of cars and trailers shitboxy?
Same question could be arisen towards some weird big trucks also present.
They parked to some place. Prob is intended for some yet to arrive team, but they will move after consulting with hosts
This was going the distance already, so some catching breath and taking in camp situation will prob take few minutes
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TEAM HILLBILLY ROLLERS
PART 0.2 - PROLOGUE
14th of March 2023
Once again standing in front of the IP Ruggers were Janne and Arne. They were pretty clear that the Rugger they should start with was the metallic green one with the chestnut brown hood. It was by no means beautiful, covered in rust and moss as it was, but it was surprisingly sound when they checked it up closer. They rolled it into the shop, since for some reason the brakes had not even seized from standing still, and went back out to look at the rest of the trucks.
“This is the next one we will aim our focus at”, Janne said, pointing at the T-boned white Rugger. “We need that military spec 4Z this time. It already has the right jets in the carb and lower compression ratio”. Granted, the truck being bent like a banana meant that there was a somewhat hard time to reach some of the bolts. After some swearing, Janne had enough and decided that cutting off everything using a hacksaw and an acetylene torch was the way to go.
“And now we will have to get the engine hoist for real men”, Arne laughed, and reversed his crane equipped Volvo Viking closer to the Rugger. Yes, it was a pretty effective way of removing the 2.4 litre 4-banger lump from the wreck, one must say. Or for that matter, putting it back into the light green Rugger. With a not so discrete “thump”, it landed in the engine compartment, and Janne for once was rather quick to install it back into the engine bay.
“At least it wasn’t one of their forward control vans. They can be quite a nightmare to work on”, Janne grumbled. “Don’t ask me how I know.”
After being finished with the engine swap, the team decided that it was time to take a coffee break with some strategy talk.
“So, where is this rally going to start, then?”, Arne asked curiously.
“Nevada”, Janne said.
“You must be kidding!”, Arne laughed.
“No, I am dead serious”, Janne said.
“So how are we even supposed to get the vehicles there?”, Arne asked.
“ANDREAS, FROM NOW ON YOU KEEP QUIET!”, Janne said.
“I haven’t even said anything”, Andreas answered.
“No, but you were probably going to. Anyway, I have some tricks. Let’s just say that everything on this planet is energy, and that I do have some tricks for fooling the system. We can end up in Nevada in no time”, Janne said.
“Now, if you have such a fantastic invention, why aren’t you using it all the time?”, Arne said.
“Material fatigue”, Janne answered. “No vehicle would be able to stand up to this in the long run. Once? Yes. Twice? Probably yes. But what will happen later? I don’t want to know to be honest. If something breaks in hyperspace…well… I don’t really know what will happen. I am just pretty sure that there is a reason why nobody on earth have ever heard an explanation about what happens when something breaks in hyperspace.”
“Oh well…whatever you said it can’t be worse than the Philippines in 1979”, Arne mumbled.
“Is the Philippines in Greece?”, Marie asked.
“JUST BECAUSE YOUR NAME IS NOT ANDREAS, IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD NOT KEEP QUIET!”, Janne said, pretty annoyed. “Drink your coffee and shut up.”
“But coffee without booze tastes so weird”, Marie said.
“Anyway. My plans are like this. We will build a driveable Rugger here. I’ll drive it to my place tonight. You follow with us in the Sanju, I will do the necessary work on it at home. Then Andreas can drive you back to Luleå again. Just come to my place the day we are supposed to arrive at camp then, I will fix everything.”, Janne explained.
“Oh well. Just so you know, I have no spare transfer case left at all now”, Arne said.
“Doesn’t matter. We can remove the diff housing and driveshafts up front to save some weight and friction in the driveline. Then we can cut and weld two propshafts together to 2WD length. We won’t need 4WD after all.”
Getting back from the coffee break, they did just that. One of the rusty 4Z equipped trucks donated its propshaft, and Janne cut and welded it together. “It might fuck up the balance a bit, but…meh”, Janne said.
After mounting the propshaft and filling up all the fluids, it was time to put a fresh battery in the truck. With some gasoline poured directly into the carb, it started immediately. In a cloud of smoke that disappeared after a while, but it started. Janne took it for a test drive and was more or less amazed when he came back.
“You know what? It runs like a champ! And everything, and I mean everything, works like it should. I might just give it a regular service and it’s good to go!”
They disassembled everything that could be prone to breaking from the three rusted out 4Z trucks, and the few parts that could be spared from the T-boned example. “I want to spare the diesel Ruggers”, Janne said. “They might come in handy later”. The light green Rugger was filled up with parts under the canopy, and the ones that did not fit was put into the Wolverine.
It was a pretty interesting convoy that was heading home. First, a maroon Vaughn Grand Mirage GTS, a kind of rare sight in itself. Followed by a light green, battered to hell IP Rugger. Last of them all, a Sanju MDM44 Wolverine. Needless to say, for everyone that saw the sight it was probably both first and last time.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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VEHICLE PRESENTATION
MAIN VEHICLE: 1983 IP Rugger 4x4
Light green metallic. Chestnut brown hood. Flaking “4 wheel drive” graphics. Surface rust everywhere. Moss growing on the ugly canopy. Rear bumper missing. All chrome parts painted white. Everything works! Has a terribly leaky aftermarket sunroof. 4 wheel drive is permanently disabled. Has a lengthened propshaft which might cause slight vibrations. Other than that - sound. At least this far. 2.4 litre inline 4. 5 speed manual.
SUPPORT VEHICLE: 1980 SANJU MDM44 “Wolverine”
Ex radio communications vehicle. Surprisingly good condition, no known faults. Camper interior is rickety since it is only random furniture that Janne threw in and barely fastened. 4 wheel drive. Air brakes. 4.8 litre “8ZV” V8 that shares many parts with the 2.4 litre “4Z” inline 4 in the Rugger, since IP is just Sanju’s division for light vehicles. 2x5 speed twin stick manual, unsynchronized.
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Spy Kids Return to Aetherii
Is that an old SUV? Yes!
Is that a bunch of university students with vast wealth of questionable provenance? Yes!
You know what that means? It’s Shitbox Rally time!
The Personnel
Driver: Jessica Lombaerts
Age: 19
Appearance: 170cm tall, dirty blonde/brunette hair, dresses exclusively for the beach, skate park, or nightclub.
Description: Half-Dutch, half mad. Her main job is to drive fast, and her car collection reflects that. Her other job is to smoke enough weed to asphyxiate an entire country, and as a result half of the colour and texture in her hair is actually hashish. Is also a hip hop dancer.
Vehicles: BMW M3 (E92), Suzuki Hayabusa, Pagani Zonda F Roadster, Alfa Romeo Giulia Quadrifoglio
Navigator: Alexis Ahaual
Age: 24
Appearance: 155cm, black hair with highlights of varying colours, guerilla uniforms or traditional Mayan or Oto-Manguean dress.
Description: They/them. Fervent Zapatista, even more fervent drum and bass enthusiast. Can speak nine languages, of which five are only spoken in Mexico and Guatemala. Learnt French solely to learn L’Internationale; learnt Russian solely to learn the Soviet anthem. Also an accomplished weed smoker, but prefers mate de coca.
Vehicles: Toyota Landcruiser, Toyota Hilux, KTM 690 Enduro
Mechanic: Shay Hirvonen
Age: 18
Appearance: 160cm, blonde hair, wears cottage-core outfits, winter sweaters, or androgynous clothes.
Description: Soft and cuddly on the outside, sharp and devious on the inside. Is better with her hands than anyone else on the team, and probably anyone else this side of the Olympics. When she’s not in soft-core mode, she will step on you, and you will like it. Can also shoot better than Alexis despite not being a committed militant.
Vehicles: Jaguar E-Type, Mercedes-Maybach S650 (with upgrades), VW Kombi (with upgrades), Bugatti Chiron
Liaison: Lazar Kandyba
Age: 24
Appearance: 167cm, black hair, black beard, 80% normal clothes, 20% Soviet wear and Slav Squat tracksuits.
Description: Ukrainian, Khrushchevist, anti Stalin, anti modern Russia. Much vodka consumption, almost as much sunflower seed consumption. Switched from tobacco to cannabis to alleviate lung problems actually caused by living in Donetsk. Can haggle his way out of a Rolls-Royce dealership. Knows Krav Maga, Muay Thai, and AK47.
Vehicles (all upgraded): Lada Niva, Nissan Stagea, Mitsubishi Evo VIII, Volvo 850 Estate
Second Driver: Laura Kamenev
Age: 19
Appearance: 163cm, dark brown hair, dresses like an architect
Description: The bad cop to Shay’s good cop, she has no softcore mode and will just step on you. Resident piano player and yerba mate addict. (No, that one doesn’t have cocaine.) Is banned from eleven countries for political reasons, and will also not set foot in Northern Arkansas or Hungary.
Vehicles: Mercedes E63 S Wagon, Porsche 911 Turbo S
Muscle: Giorgi Ingorokva
Age: 23
Appearance: 191cm, green hair, boiler suits or designer fashion
Description: Amateur rugby player, professional flaming homosexual, wannabe rockstar. Runs a garage in Liverpool and a clothing store next door, though his residence is of uncertain legality. Played three matches for London Scottish.
Vehicles: Jaguar XJS, Audi TT RS Roadster, Subaru Outback (with upgrades)
The Car
This time, the big hulk came out of a factory on the capitalist side of the Iron Curtain, located in Ireland. The Mocabey Pioneer XL is a nearly sixty year old piece of machinery, but was very capable in its prime. Locking front and rear with a two speed transfer case, it would take a family of six over some seriously tough terrain, and with 250bhp in fuel injected guise the gargantuan 6.7L straight six would let the Pioneer keep up with the fastest of traffic anywhere but the Autobahn.
But of course, a stock vehicle with half a century of wear just won’t do for this team. From its previous home in Angola, Lazar shipped it over to Giorgi’s shop in Liverpool, where Giorgi, Shay, and Shay’s mad scientist friend Petra went to work on it.
On the handling side, the old springs were replaced with air suspension, paired with adaptive dampers and a disconnecting rear sway bar, and the brakes were upgraded to vented units all round, and with six pistons on the front. The driveline was overhauled, with the locking differentials and transfer case deemed unnecessary and replaced with Torsens and the old automatic replaced with a custom ZF 8HP. The interior was just as spectacular a replacement as with the Elbrus, with six massaging leather seats and Bluetooth everything.
But it’s the engine where the true witchcraft lies. Petra and Shay weren’t going to stop with forged internals, VVT, and independent throttle bodies. No, they stuck a giant turbo on it. 86mm of forced induction and variable geometry, sending 0.85 bar into those six throttle bodies. And then the girls drilled into the iron head and stuck a fuel rail and some direct injectors inside. The result? 500bhp, 800 lb-ft, and 5.2s to 100km/h. Lets see what shenanigans the Spy Kids get into with what is now a 250km/h SUV.
The “Support” Vehicle
New for Shitbox Rally 2023 is support vehicles! And it doesn’t even need to do any actual support! Of course, the Spy Kids need room for bedding and creature comforts in the Pioneer, so most of the larger spare parts will be carried in a box van, and that box van is a Reekayns B210, driven by a crew Jessica hired via Instagram. A nominally American car that was actually built in a third world sweatshop, it originally had a wheezy 2.1L engine that produced all of 55bhp.
Of course, that engine was broken, so they went shopping for a new one at the junkyard. The scrap dealer claimed it was an old plane engine, and the instantly allured shoppers took it. Unfortunately, it’s a plane engine from 1980, and it’s a 4.8L inline four. Anyway, they wedged the engine into the van, stuck on an exhaust they also found at the junkyard that kind of fit, and attached a carburetor on top. The result? 72bhp. Absolutely piss poor, even for an engine that only produced 90-ish bhp when new. The good news is that, being twice the size of the old engine, it produced twice as much torque.
Other features on the van include solid axles at both ends to eliminate any ride comfort, 4x4 with two speed transfer case to assure adventurous delivery drivers they can make it up the dirt driveway to their destination, open differentials to squander the off road potential of said transfer case, a three speed automatic to make driving as lazy as possible, and a bench seat in the cargo box for when a delivery requires more than three people.
The Hired Schmucks Van Crew
Driver: Tracey Maxou
Age: 46
Description: Soccer mum and also dance mum, with all the road rage and Instagram usage that represents. Only thing stopping her from tailgating everything in sight is the physical inability of the Reekayns to keep up with traffic.
Cars: Chrysler Voyager, Alfa Romeo Stelvio Quadrifoglio
Navigator: Magnolia Coleman
Age: 23
Description: AM talk radio host, thinks challenging someone to a debate is an acceptable way of meeting someone, finds most public bathrooms unacceptably dirty. Is being kept on a tight leash by Tracey.
Cars: Kia Soul
Mechanic: Kiel Shamble
Age: 42
Description: Mormon Youtuber with four kids, owns two pyramid schemes network marketing companies and a procurement fraud business. Wife runs a swimsuit store. Insists his name is pronounced like it’s spelt Kyle.
Cars: Chevy Silverado, Dodge Challenger Hellcat
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Team Sane Insanity
The one team that doesn’t know why they are here, but brought 2 cars anyways.
Members
Raymond Li
Age: 27
Notable Achievements/Qualities: Bored accountant, regularly does autocross, never crashed a car yet (emphasis on the yet)
Cars: 2019 Volvo V90, 2008 BMW M5
Nathan Wang
Age: 29
Notable Achievements/Qualities: Engineer, little interest in aesthetics, hates off roading
Cars: 2005 VW Jetta Ute, Factory Five GTM
Andrew Park:
Age: 26
Notable Achievements/Qualities: “Freelance Software Researcher”, crashed multiple cars
Car: 2008 Audi RS4
Cars:
2007 KKR S2
Mid-engined, RWD, convertible kit car, powered by an underpowered 2.1L I4. Clearly the best possible choice for roads involving snow. Appalling choice of wrap by the previous owner, plus tacky stylistic choices. At least it is sort of fast, and gets you from A-B. Until you break your back on the poorly paved roads or crash the car, and break your back.
2009 Roadmaster Voyage
A hopelessly slow minivan that might get to 100 mph downhill, with a 0-60 time of “still accelerating.” However, it is nicely equipped, with the extremely useful SatNav, a leather trimmed interior, and heated seats. It also has AWD and offroad tires.
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Disregard this. I’m clearly not all the way awake at this point.
TEAM HILLBILLY ROLLERS
PART 0.3 - PROLOGUE
Earlier parts
20th of March 2023
The Sanju had been undergoing some rather interesting modifications the last days. Mostly, related to the camper interior Janne was fabricating for it.
“Isn’t that only random junk you threw in from the dump?”, Andreas asked.
“Yes”, Janne said.
“Is it even secured properly?”, he continued.
“Barely. With careful driving it should hold up…I guess.”
“And the ceiling fan? WHY?”, Andreas said with a sigh.
“What if it gets hot?”, Janne said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
“Great. We’re all going to be decapitated.”, Andreas said. “Not that it would matter with Marie anyway, at least not regarding IQ.”
“True.”
“And…oh no…The fucking CRT TV. WHY? Don’t you remember last year? There wasn’t even any radio broadcasting. Do you really think they have TV broadcasting then?”
“Do you remember this one?”, Janne asked Andreas, pointing at a videogame console under the TV set.
“Yeah…You and my brother always used to play that in the 90s. I remember thinking it was ancient already by then. That you should have gotten a Super NES like everyone else.”
“We didn’t have this cartridge”, Janne said, and held up a cartridge marked with “PROTOTYPE CART TOP SECRET” written on a piece of masking tape.
“What the….where did you get that?”
“Oh…in a box full of electrical junk I once bought”, Janne said. “The Salem 3700 was nothing but an Atari 2600 clone, made by Sanju’s consumer electronics division. At least they said so. I could not keep myself from doing a ROM dump here, and disassembling the source code, there is no way this cartridge would have worked on a 2600.”
“Like I understand anything of that? Why wouldn’t it work?”, Andreas asked.
“Simple. The 3700 has a hidden expansion port. It was never used for anything, at least that’s common knowledge. However, this cartridge is made for a system expansion, that ALSO happened to be in that box. But it will start without one. As long as you connect this cable, also in the box…”
In one of the joystick ports, he connected the cable. Then he popped up the hood of the rugger, and connected the other end to a connector at the ECU for the electronic ignition.
“Start up the TV now, and then the console”, he told Andreas.
The TV screen flashed red three times, then this text passed by
“IP DIAGNOSIS….VERSION 0.8 BETA….NOT INTENDED FOR SELLING….COPYRIGHT 1988 SALEM….MADE IN ARIYA”
“So, they had an idea to use the console for a diagnosis program?”, Andreas asked a bit confused.
“One can think so. Press the joystick button.”
When Andreas pressed the button, the screen flashed green, infinitely.
“That means OK, now watch me to disconnect this temp sensor from the electronic carb, and press the joystick button…”
The screen flashed red five times. “Yup, this means “temp sensor, circuit broken”, Janne said.
“This is actually pretty cool. Are we going to use it for troubleshooting on the Rugger?”, Andreas asked.
“Maybe. But before leaving, I will briefly connect the expansion module, and that…will turn the console into something else.”
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23 Hours and 38 minutes remain for Submissions
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TEAM FRIENDSHIP! :D 
Character Explanation
(Don’t have time to roleplay their entry/arrival, so I’ll just explain the characters.)
Team Friendship! :D is a pair of ever-cheery 
anthropomorphic cars , whose only goal is to be your friend! 
With the unshakable joy of a small puppy 
, and the emotional depth & attitude of a NickJr character 
, these docile little microcars are ready to take on any challenge with the power of friendship, persistence, and 
their 
unshakable 
positivity! 
The car bus:
A 1989 Bazard E-Series bus; though, at least in the interior, it’s barely recognizable, having been turned into an RV for cars! 
it’s modifications include: controls specifically designed to be operated by a car, a retractable garage/ramp for entry and exit, an in-depth radio/speaker system (which is almost always playing super-cheery, kidz-bop-esque music 
), and individual sleeping quarters for each car.
The exterior of the bus has been deliberately left undecorated, because they plan to search for decorative materials as they travel, and build a beautiful 
collage of their trip by the end of the rally!
Riley 
Full Model: Yellow 1949 Bazard Rikkett (IRL counterpart: Crosley CD-Four).
The Navigator of the group, Riley is the music lover of the group 
, and the one responsible for all the speakers on the outside of the bus 
(and the massive collection of CD’s in the cabin). As well as her own internal CD player, she’s been fitted with a modernized engine and some offroading equipment, that makes her actually pretty capable on a hard dirt trail on her own. 
Freddie 
Full Model: Green 1973 Aero Free (IRL counterpart: Peel P50).
The Driver of the group, Freddie is a bit more into visual arts than audio, though he still enjoys the music! 
In addition to driving, he’s the one with plans to decorate the bus as they go along. 
He also has some similar modifications to Riley; while not much of an offroader, his improved engine is capable of some shockingly impressive fuel economy.
Other OOC notes to help explain how this team works (will be kept updated as a reference):
-
To clarify how they move/express themselves with others: the characters don’t have any visual “mouths” or “eyes” (though the “face” coincidentally made by their grilles/lights is usually an accurate representation of their emotions). The only physical/mechanical difference between these guys and a non-sentient car is their suspensions, which move dynamically like in the cars universe (so they can nod, “look around,” and otherwise express with movement).
-
They do talk aloud, and as they do their headlights flash on/off in sync; they will also maneuver/adjust their suspension to “look at” who they’re talking to. Their voices are very high-pitched, (though not enough so to be intrinsically annoying), and have a very childish, whimsical tone. Between the 2, Freddie’s is slightly higher-pitched than Riley’s, reflecting their size.
-
On pronouns/gender: while they do have preferred pronouns- “she/her” for Riley and “he/him” for Freddie -they are still cars, and therefore completely (intrinsically) androgynous & aeroace. By extension, they’re also good with “it/its,” which is what most people they meet assume anyway.
-
After I submitted, the hosts informed me about an event from SR22 which will strongly (and negatively) impact how their characters may view mine. To clarify, my anthropomorphic cars have no relation to or knowledge of it, and I won’t be referencing it on my own any further; but if some of the host’s characters seem to be treating mine unfairly harshly, that’s the reason, and I’ve already confirmed I’m good with it.
-
I promise, any resemblance to any other brightly-colored speaker-covered busses in this challenge is entirely unintended.
-
The question of how or why these 2 cars came to be anthropomorphic will never be answered or addressed. And actually, this team is going to require a lot of further handwaving throughout this challenge to make work, so as not to make life harder for the rally’s hosts.
-
My team’s name contains an emoticon, which isn’t straightforward to write on the forums; because whenever you put together an emoticon simply, the site automatically replaces it with the equivalent emoji. To write the emoticon itself, place an invalid formatting tag between the colon and the rest of the emoticon (for example:"
:<g>)" becomes " :) " )
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Team Sane Insanity
Part 0.1 Vehicle Acquisition Specialists Don’t Seem to Exist
How and why our team members, close friends from high school and college, decided to join SR2023 is unknown, but they had signed up, paid their dues, and arranged travel to LA, and took time off of work to participate in the rally. Now they had to acquire the first car. Since Nathan was the only person physically in LA, it was decided that he was to purchase the cars. After much craigslist shopping, he found a stalled kit car project, a KKR S2. It lacked a powertrain, and parts availability was nonexistent since the company went bankrupt. This particular example had been wrapped to look like it was made out of gold. However for a few hundred bucks, this mid-engined convertible was an absolute steal. He bought it immediately, rented a truck, and took it home. He then sourced an abused Roadmaster Magnesium, giving the KKR an engine. After a few weeks of wrenching with friends (whose identities don’t matter as they will not be participating in SR2023), the KKR was finished. All that was left was to reveal the finished product.
“See, it’s perfect!” stated Nathan, proudly showing off his purchasing decisions on a Zoom call.
Neither Raymond nor Andrew could formulate an intelligent response.
“Uh, what’s the matter?”
At this point, Andrew was completely furious at Nathan’s total oblivion at the KKR’s clear issues.
“You thought it would be a good idea to bring a fiberglass and metal parts car to a rally?”
Nathan, of course, had to go on the defensive. “It’s lightweight and a fun convertible! What could possibly go wrong? It’s basically an 037, which was a great rally car.”
“It isn’t an off roader or a Lancia! Who knows what roads we will face? And it looks like there is no interior in the car at all, aside from some seats and a steering wheel. This race will be miserable.”
“You clearly don’t see my brilliance in picking this car.”
“What about snow? We will freeze to death.”
“Snow chains and warm clothing.”
“And the paint job?”
“That was not my idea, blame the previous owner.”
At this point, it was clear that this argument was going nowhere. Raymond felt compelled to interject.
“Can I present a motion to ban Nathan from buying the second car?”
In a 2-0 vote (democracy is great at times), Nathan was banned from buying the second car.
For the second car, Andrew nominated himself to purchase it. However, he had to drive down to LA in a few days to rendezvous with Nathan and Raymond, so he was very desperate. The first round of craigslist was filled with scams, bad cars, and deals that fell through. Autotempest and Autotrader also provided few leads. With days left, he had no choice but to go to the nearest auto mall and ask for any car under 2000 dollars. Most of the options were ill-fit for the rally. Eventually, he arrived at a car dealership filled with generic Nissan sedans, a large selection of GM SUVs, and the entire Infiniti lineup. However, in the back, there were a few older and cheaper options, including obviously, the Roadmaster Voyage. He walked in, and got the Roadmaster for a little under $1400. He immediately packed his stuff and drove the car down to LA. Team Sane Insanity met up at Nathan’s house to see the new purchase and get it ready for the race.
“A Voyage? Does it have a salvage title?” asked Raymond.
“Clean title of course, what are you thinking?” respond Andrew, slightly miffed at the assumption
“How exactly is this possible? You did pay under 2K, right?”
“Yes, of course.” Andrew was getting annoyed at Raymond’s assumption that he could not do basic math.
However, while Andrew and Raymond questioned the legitimacy of the sale, Nathan dug through the glove compartment and found the bill of sale, which was in actuality a rental contract. Now it was Nathan’s turn to have a shouting match at Andrew.
“You didn’t buy this car at all! It is a rental car. We can’t even dare scratch this car, lest we want to file for bankruptcy.”
“I did not rent the Voyage” shouted Andrew, storming over “You see, clearly I bought it — Oh.”
“How are we going to modify this car, let alone drive this for 5000 miles over questionable terrain and likely damage it?!?”
“We can hide the damage with spray paint.”
“That’s not the point. This will be impossible to compete with!”
Again, Raymond had to interject in the pointless argument
“Stop, we have no time. Lets just throw on some skid plates and new tires and hope for the best. Let’s also bring some stuff to do some bodywork repairs to hide the damage on the rally. Also, we should fabricate some documentation. But, Andrew, you are truly an idiot.”
And so, Andrew went off to “design” the documentation to claim he bought the car from his mom, hence the good deal, while Nathan and Raymond went off to find some wheels and tires and make a crude skid plate. After a few additional days of wrenching, the cars were ready. The team headed out to Nevada to go to the rally start line, and do some shopping as there sales tax is lower.
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Team Taciturn, Ep. 2: Landing!
Touchdown!
Great!
Relieved.
Where?
Woodland.
Town?
Prince George. The alien who in his human disguise went by Curt, looked at a map of their surroundings on a nearby computer screen in their spaceship.
Cloaking! The other alien who went by the name of Cal pressed a combination of buttons.
Curt only nodded.
Distance?
Four kilometers. Another look at the map display.
Next?
Car!
Preparations?
Money.
Cal went to a nearby computer station and pressed another combination of buttons.
It looks like you are trying to replicate some local currency? Would you like some help? That was the computer.
Yes!
Do you want Canadian dollars? The computer again.
Yes!
How much do you want to replicate?
Cal and Curt exchanged unsure glances. Much!
Would 500 dollars be enough?
Another exchange of unsure glances. Yes!
After a short while, Call and Curt grabbed the money from an open port.
Next?
Clothing!
The computer presented a set of clothing options suitable for the area and both indicated their preferences. Two sets of stereotypical lumberjack clothing appeared. Cal and Curt grabbed the clothing as well, went to change their outfits and then started their trek on foot towards the Canadian town of Prince George, British Columbia.
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SUBMISSIONS WINDOW HAS CLOSED; NO FURTHER ENTRIES ARE BEING ACCEPTED!
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Team Sane Insanity
Part 0.2 You Have Not Arrived At Your Destination
After a brief shopping trip in Vegas, where Team Sane Insanity loaded up food, tools, parts, sheet metal, bondo, spray paint, and other important supplies, the team headed off to the start point. The Voyage was equipped with RoadMastery, Roadmaster’s navigation system, so against all better judgment, Raymond insisted that the team should use the RoadMastery over a more competent app. The team inputted the coordinates and set off. Once they were nearing their destination, the RoadMastery, had some important instructions for the team to follow
“At the next intersection, turn right”
The convoy turned right
“Recalculating”
“At the next intersection, make a U-turn”
The convoy followed the navigation’s instructions and made a U-turn
“At the next intersection, turn left”
The convoy turned left
“Recalculating”
“At the next intersection, make a U-turn”
Again, same drill
“At the next intersection, turn right”
“Recalculating”
“At the next intersection, make a U-turn”
“At the next intersection, turn left”
“Recalculating”
After following these very nonsensical instructions multiple times for at least half an hour, Nathan, who was following in the KKR, noticed that they were going in circles, and attempted to call the others over a poor connection. Eventually, the team pulled over to consult Google maps. After a long wait for the app to load, it was determined that the gravel track that they needed to follow was not in the RoadMastery system, and as such, the car was extremely unhelpful and could not provide coherent instructions. They also discovered that they were extremely close to camp, and therefore, anyone who bothered to look could watch in great amusement at Team Sane Insanity inability to arrive at the start line. Eventually the team pulled into camp at 14:47, extremely tired after this whole affair.
“You have arrived at your destination” chirped the ever-helpful RoadMastery
“It would have been nice to be told that a few hours ago” complained Raymond
“No need to be salty at your own idea” snapped Andrew.
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