The Douche Meter

I debated long and hard (like several months) about creating this topic. But I concluded that this community is more mature and civilised than most, and I reckon there’s a lot of fun to be had in this.

Be warned, this post contains a lot of douche.
#How Douchebag Is Your Car?

douchebag

An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intellegence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears.

Source: UrbanDictionary

From somewhere in the middle of the original Top Gear run came arguably one of the most illuminating segments: The Cool Wall. Verdicts on whether a car was cool, not cool, or ICE COLD shaped population perceptions on the lie of the market. It had the power to make a brand transcend itself, or to be condemned to their accursed archetypal lameness. And the segment itself yielded some hilarious arguments.

The Douche Meter aims to delve into another brand truth in our world of cars: that some cars seem to attract more douchebags than other brands. Yet this too is also controversial, both the status of douchiness and the arguments for and against are unstable, shifting grounds. And, the best part, it’s all subject to our personal bias.

###How it works
The short of it: post a photo of a car, propose a Douche Rating out of 10. 0 is no douche, 10 is max douche.

To explain a little more, 0 means no douchebag would ever drive this car ever, it is the undouchiest thing ever, and possibly also undistinctive and unoffensive in just about every way possible. A car that may fit this kind of profile could include a well maintained Hyundai i20, or a Kia Rio. A rating of 10 means that there is no way that the owner of this car isn’t a total douche. If you’re nice people, you won’t be handing out this rating very often, if at all, but it would be fairly safe to say that some of the early cars my fictional company made may fall into this category (burns more fuel than an oil refinery, more power than a F1 car, completely shits on every other car around the track and styled like Because Fuck You).

To make it more fun: you don’t have to rate an entire trim/model/brand. You can also rate specific examples of cars, because, as we all know, there are many Douche Modifiers. A Daihatsu Charade is a tiny budget runabout and it’s hard to be a Douchebag waving your Douchestick around in a car that would get crushed like an empty can in the slightest fender bender (though I’ve seen some Charade drivers think they can, thus I can’t given the Charade a rating of 0). However, add a completely unnecessary decals, rims, body-kit etc. that you’d see in the Weird Bad and Ugly cars thread, and, well…

Flame decals often boost your douche rating. So does chopping, dropping, stancing and widening. So does superfluous blowoff valves and massive fart cannons that spit flames. You get the idea

Now, this is kind of tricky. It is highly likely that at least one user here owns or drives a car similar to the one you may be rating. Furthermore there is often no correct answer. Keep in mind that it’s all supposed to be in good fun, and if people get upset, I will also be unhappy and the mods will be unhappy with everybody, including me, for creating trouble. Nobody likes to be called a douchebag for real, especially douchebags :wink:

###Now I’ve Posted My Car, What Next?
Be prepared for people to agree/disagree with your assessment. Ideally, include reasons why you think the car merits the douche rating it does. The next poster has a choice of a) agreeing with the assessment, posting another car, b) disagreeing with the assessment, offering their own assessment, c) deferring comment if enough users have already commented, posting another car. What I’m aiming for here are collections of views and ranges of ratings to see which cars are more controversial than others, and which trend to being less or more douchey.

All in all, just be a little reasonable and feel the flow of the conversation. If there’s a good going argument on one car feel free to post but if it looks like it’s mostly settled, move on. If you feel strongly enough to return to a car from much earlier in the thread, include a link to the original post with the photo in it. We’d like to keep track.

If this goes really well, I’d possibly be able to create a little graph of cars that have been deemed douchey or not, or are really controversial. Keep in mind that I won’t be keeping track of modified examples, unless it has been well established that the model lends itself to frequent modification and those modifications have been judged as being generally douchey or not (e.g. that Toyobaru 86/BRZ really lends itself to douche mods, just earlier this evening I saw one that had been given the utter full works. However you may wish to argue that this was a manufacturer designed thing, and that the car was envisioned to fit into the motorsports scene, thus mitigating its Douche factor because said mods are therefore not inappropriate for application. Your call.)

###In Summary

  • Post photo of car
  • Rate it douche 0-10
  • Discuss
  • Post another car
  • Rinse repeat and get messy

#The Douche Consensus

Very approximate, as an aggregate.

Kanye West
Noise pollution @ 3am in the morning
Slammed
Cab + Flatbeds, Utes actually used not for work but with balding steelies on the back to do burnouts on suburban streets
Fake bull testicles on your towbar
Ghetto builds that spit oil out after one TRACK DAY BRO
Badly applied matte paint
Fake CF vinyls
Donks

##[rainbow]OVER 9000 ^[/rainbow]

When your rebadging is misleading or confusing
Chopped, dropped and widened
Completely superfluous exhaust adornments (like diesel blower stacks on a petrol model)
Hummer Stretch
Stickers that say “TRACK DAY BRO”
Badly modified BMWs
##[color=red]Maximum Douche[/color]
Coal Rollers
BMWs (stock)
Tasteless vanity plates
Foreign vanity plates
Hummer H3
Expensive SUVs
Any of the JDM DORIFTO crowd (Altezza/IS300, Soarer, S17, 240SX, Z350 etc.) when riced
Any of the OMG APPEARED IN F&F crowd (Supra, Lancer Evo, Eclipse etc.) when riced
Fart cannons
Expensive Teslas (Model S)
Hot versions of boutique A-segments (Fiat 500 Abarth)
##[color=yellow]Sooooo Douche[/color]
Anything AMG
Audi S
Hondas from the 90s that advertise their VTEC JUST KICKED IN YO-ness
Stuff that appears in rap videos where the rapper is surrounded by a dozen “hos” and throws green all over the camera
Crossovers
Imitation Sports Cars That Are Actually Really Slow (like Vauxhall Astra)
Crap generations of good sports cars (Mustang Foxbody)
Most Nissans
Boutique A-segment (Fiat 500)
Hot Hatches?
Base Audis
##[color=orange]Somewhat Douche[/color]
Hot Hatches?
Cheap SUVs
Cab + Flatbeds, Utes actually used for work but also clearly for recreation
Range Rovers (only expensive SUV that escapes higher douche rating)
Ostensibly environmentally-friendly cars that replace Smog with Smug (original Prius, budget Tesla)
##[color=green]A Bit Douche[/color]
A-Segment Cars that May be the subject of Slamming
RX-7 FD3S (would be mega douche but due to sheer amount of upkeep required to keep it running properly)

##[color=blue]UnDouche[/color]
9th Gen Civic Hatch
Toyota Camry and other anonymous large family sedans (Galant-Magna, stock Commodore/Falcon owned by sizeable nuclear families, stock)
Cab + Flatbeds, Utes actually used solely for work
##[color=purple]Negative Points[/color]
Minivans

3 Likes

First example to kick us off, and as usual I’ll go with familiar ground: my daily.

9th Gen Honda Civic Hatch

Douche Rating: 1/10 for the try-hard styling. In this colour, gains a bonus point because it’s loud and eccentric (and hard to sell). Loses points for being rather sedate in the performance department, having an ECO button to smooth throttle response even further, and having magic folding rear seats is a dead giveaway it was geared towards versatility, not hooning. Quite a far cry from its sporty uncles of prior generations.

2 Likes

Can’t argue with that judgement. I’d even go as far as to say it deserves a 0/10, couldn’t imagine any douche of a person owning such a car.

And now, my own car:


2004 Seat Arosa
Douche rating: 2/10. For the most part, people who own these cars have them because they’re great little runabouts, are affordable and most have lived decent lives (hence second hand ones tend to be reliable and problem-free). They’re brilliantly underpowered, completely underequiped and have plenty of character.
But, while most owners will be fine, there are a minority who have trashed these poor little city cars by slamming them, modifying them and generally ruining them (just Google “Seat Arosa Slammed” and feel the cringe). They often stick on big exhaust mufflers, tacky wheels and usually debadge them as well; poor taste that is reflected in their erratic and boisterous driving style. Hence, it gets a 2/10, mainly because that minority are on the proliferate side and treat these great little cars poorly…in my opinion, at least! :wink:

1 Like

Re: The Douche Meter - #2 by strop
True, I literally cannot find a single photo of a modded 9th gen Civic. At 1330kg and a severely outdated SOHC VTEC without the VTEC kicking in, there’s nothing in it for the dou- enthusiast.

Re: The Douche Meter - #3 by DeusExMackia

I won’t lie, this appeals to my inner douche. To the point I will giggle and think my god, the people in that thing must be uncomfortable.

1 Like

^except for it being SHLAMMED, and DAT WHEEEEELS. i actually like the car and the color. and i think has the potential to actually be a rather good car when modified… CORRECTLY.

Chery QQ

0/10: it’s nearly impossible to be a douche at al in this car. low power, bad safety, a knockoff from another car that is not exactly good. forget being a douche in this car. what kind’s of douche would even own this car.

what are you talking about mate, this has massive potential to be douched up.

DAT AIRSCOOP AND FAKE CF TRIM. AND THOSE BLINKERED HEADLIGHTS. THIS THING MUST DO OVER 9000 MPH

3 Likes

hoooooookay… i stand corrected.
LMAO it’s not that often i found something that genuinely made me laugh on the internet

1 Like

Now that we’ve kicked off, let’s mix it up a bit so we don’t spend the next several days on debating how prone various cheap runabouts are to being modded in wildly inappropriate ways (still can’t find any modded 9th gen Civic Hatches, btw.)

SL-65 AMG

Disregarding the fact this particular example was tuned by MKB, I’m giving this a solid 9. Expensive, luxury hot sports coupe that guzzles fuel and is generally owned by people who a) can afford a Mercedes b) buy Mercedes. It’s a high-end Mercedes. I know a lot of douches who own Mercedes, which either makes me biased, or it gives me solid evidence.

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if you’re talking about attitude and general driving styles. then i do agree. but maybe not 9. it’s just rather an uncommon car anyway, and to find one modified is even rarer.

edit: okay. i’ll give it a 6.5/10

i think it has to be a common car, and easily modifiable to get more than 7 from me.

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Don’t forget to give it a number to show us a reference point!

B

Douche level 10/10, you cannot drive this vehicle without attracting attention towards yourself and you take up 3 1/4 of the road most of the time, you only buy these if you want attention directed towards you. They are just obnoxiously big and I could not think of a vehicle that is douchey straight off of the production line

Disclaimer: This is my dads Hummer and he really likes it because of the presence on the road, yes ladies and gentlemen my dad is a bit of a douche :laughing:
Disclaimer 2: my dad is actually a decent person who happens to like the Hummer H2 :laughing:

4 Likes

Re: The Douche Meter - #7 by koolkei
@koolkei Interesting argument. But what about those cars that people buy because of their exclusivity? Is there not a bit of douchiness in that? Or is that something else, like being an afficionado, or being an enthusiast?

Re: The Douche Meter - #11 by CadillacDave

Ding ding ding we have a winner! H3 definitely gets 10 from me too for the following reasons:

  • Averages like 1mpg
  • Why park properly when you can park WHEREVER THE HELL YOU WANT
  • It’s a Hummer made Glamorous for Thug Life rapper videos where you like to throw you cash around the back seat.
  • Most popular form of stretch limo these days hired generally by the ultra douchiest of douchebag rich frat kids for their ultra douchey frat parties. How do I know how douchey these get? Because I lived on a college populated by super rich kids for a while (my education was free but the rent was exorbitant, and some of those kids got more pocket money in a week than my dad earnt in a year). I partook in some of those parties (I am not proud of this), but even I stopped short of the goddamn stretch Hummer.

On the note of rapper videos…

300c


I feel the douche is pretty strong with this one. At least 7/10, judging by its popular culture iconography.

1 Like

i don’t think just buying an exclusive car would make you a douche. it’s what you do to and with the car. at least, that’s my view on it.

Golf GTI. Douche level 9.5/10, because you kind of have to be a douche to like this car.

3 Likes


I respectfully disagree with that, though I definitely give it douche points for a) being a VW b) being a hot hatch. That is to say, you can drive either and not gain any douche points, but by their powers combined…

That said I’d only give it a 4/10. Why? Because it still seeks to combine various compromises into a sporty package. The Golf, specifically, was the first model of the mould to succesfully popularise the sector.

That said, from Mk.III onwards, a definite sheen of increasing douche from its increasingly rampant fan base can be observed. It may be for this lot that poor TDi drivers who got hoodwinked by VW’s blatant lie campaign are so maligned.

If I give the GTi only 4/10, the R rates an easy 7, which may seem disproportionate considering I wouldn’t give a lot of dedicated sports cars a 7, but hey, this is a hot version of a hot version of a hatch. The douche factor exponentially rises.

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Which nicely leads us to the question if there even is such a thing as a non-douchey Hot Hatch.

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I’ll let others score for now, but let’s take a selection from the Top Gear website’s list of 10 most powerful:

Renault Megane Renaultsport Trophy-R
Vauxhall Astra VXR
Seat Leon Cupra
Audi S3
Volkswagen Golf R
Honda Civic Type R
BMW M135i
Ford Focus RS
Audi RS3
Mercedes-AMG A45

… nope, reads like a column in The Douche Weekly.

2 Likes

Maybe the older ones? Only because they’re now classic cars, and I don’t believe there’s a douchey classic car…

Nissan Qashqai
Douche Rating: 6/10. I maintain that there are owners of these cars that are completely fine, but some drive around like absolutle idiots. I’m fairly sure I will offend some people here, but I’ve never seen a car that is driven so badly so regularly. I’ve been tailgated by these things, I’ve seen them speeding, plenty don’t use indicators and many don’t have any concept of spacial awareness.

And at the end of the day, this is a hatchback on stilts made to do school runs. What in that description gives anyone the authority to not obey basic road manners and requirements?

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The fact that description essentially translates to “not quite rich enough Soccer Mom?”

The actual Rich Soccer Mom club includes the likes of the Range Rover Evoque, Porsche Cayenne Turbo… you get the idea.

Douches only make up half the shitty drivers in the world. The rest drive Nissans.

Speaking of which, the most douche thing I have seen in months was a Nissan Primera Diesel with a broken exhaust and some snapback wearing asshat driving from the backseat and blasting terrible german rap. And yes he also drove like he was trying to evade the police (he probably WAS trying to evade the police).

1 Like