TEAM TRAFIKJOURNALEN
PART 0.1 - PRE-RACE
We had seen this show before. Three tired men, an even more tired 1985 IP Brigadier pickup, with a record holder in being tired N/A diesel, towing an equally tired junker to Höljes on its way to obliteration. This time it looked almost comical. An IP towing an IP. A box towing a box. A small box there was. And despite its rugged looks, the FWD CVT Rubiq didn’t have much of a resemblance under the shell to the solid axle, 4x4, body on frame Brigadier. On the positive side, the Rubiq wasn’t nearly as slow.
“How many kilometers does this thing have on the clock now?”, Carlén asked.
“I don’t know”, Hansen answered. “The odometer stopped working years ago!”
“I can’t feel my legs!”, Andersson complained, having the most cramped mid bench seating position.
“Don’t worry, you will get used to it”, Hansen said.
“If we cut a hole in the floor, I can probably stretch out my legs, AND, I can give it some help with my feet so we will reach twice this speed!”, Andersson cynically said.
“Quiet, or I will have Carlén force feeding you with Doritos so you can’t keep up with your nagging”, Hansen grumbled. To somewhat counteract the noise from Andersson’s complaining, he raised the volume of the old tape player, now blaring Heidi Hauge at max volume through the half-blown stock speakers.
The old Brigadier was rolling along at a slow but steady pace, and finally, our friends were approaching the track.
“HAHAHA!”, Hansen laughed. “Complain all you want, but at least I have good tow mirrors. Do you know how I know about that?”
Eh, no?", Andersson curiously asked.
“Because I can see a german freakshow arguing loudly with each other about something, in the Primus behind us, right now”, Hansen laughed loudly. Because…just yes. A bunch of…well, more or less weird looking germans were clearly trying to almost kill each other over something, in the Primus Aventura he saw in the mirror. “If that’s the competition we have…”
“…then it won’t matter that we just have an IP, I guess”, Carlén said, knowing that it would annoy Hansen.
“Did you know that the IP Celestia GTT-4, well the 2600 version then, not the more common 2500, actually was a homologation special, for the car that raced, and for thta matter won, in…”, Hansen started.
“Yes, because I have FORGOTTEN more about racing than you ever have known, Mr. May!”, Carlén answered. “And when it comes to IP, that is only the exception that confirms the rule.”
“It wasn’t even my idea to get an IP this time”, Hansen said. “Or maybe I was partly guilty, but the main reason wasn’t to smash it up in the 24h race after all”.
Time went on, and while the hosting magazine’s own team of drivers were unloading the car, other teams also had arrived. Andersson took a quick sneek peek around, just to come back a while later.
"OK, what we can fear, is a TDF Pax with eyelashes…
“That sounds about as serious as entering with a lawnmower powered wheelie bin”, Hansen said.
“To be fair, an IP Rubiq is a lawnmower powered wheelie bin”, Carlén said in a somewhat more cynical tune.
"A Crown Vic that seems to have an actual lawnmower engine…
(Carlén and Hansen doing facepalms at the same time)
“Should we fear a Kando again?”, Andersson asked.
“Yes, those things are like…mentally, brutally toxic”, Hansen said.
“Sneaky fast, was what we saw last year at least”, Carlén chimed in.
“A Rosew…”
“A blown diff”, Hansen answered. “Remember last year?”
“Then, we have a Tarquini Freccia”, Andersson continued.
“Yellow and right hand drive?”, Carlén asked.
“No, white and left hand drive”, Andersson answered.
“Then it is not the mailman. I’ll take a croissant, please”, Hansen answered.
“The most trashed Arlington Antares I have seen”, Andersson continued.
“You haven’t been to enough trailer parks then”, Hansen sighed.
“Then we have a beaten to death Ferdon 318 estate…”
“Some people takes the clunker thing seriously, I guess”, Hansen answered.
“You’re lying, they haven’t existed since 1998”, Carlén told him.
“Uhm. Anyway, we also have a puke green Lada 112…”
“I saw that thing and it was absolutely not a Lada 112”, Hansen answered.
“So what is it then?”, Andersson curiously asked.
“I don’t know, but if it is a Lada 112 I will eat my helmet after the race!”, Hansen said.
“Better bring extra BBQ sauce then”, Andersson answered in a salty tone.
“Yes, because you already brought the salt”, Hansen told him.
“Then, I saw a blue Hamocars DB-R”…
“Of course, there wouldn’t be a shitbox race without one, I guess”, Hansen said.
“Yes, but at least we got to know the colour”, Carlén laughed.
"Well, maybe it was a bit closer to brown, at least around the edges. Then, there was a VerBanka Cauchy…
“Interesting car, if you like to watch when paint is drying”, Hansen yawned.
“Stop describing a 1998 IP Sterna now!”, Carlén said just to tease him.
“You can be a 1998 Sterna! A DX and not a GTX!”, Hansen said.
“Then there was a McNamara National Deluxe, that at least would win some style points with its livery, spoilers and pipes…”
“Huh, a car that’s actually close to being cool then”, Hansen said.
“Yes, but they can only corner in one direction”, Carlén laughed.
“Some chinese clown car from Wish. CAC I think. Should have been named CCC for Chinese Clown Car…”
“I don’t fear it”, Carlén said.
“Me neither”, Hansen agreed.
“We also have an ACR 400 Executive…”
“Beige”, Hansen said.
“Yes, did you see it?”, Andersson asked.
“No, but they were beige no matter what colour they had.”
“Also, I passed those german freaks with the Primus towing the Primus, and it seemed like they were looking rather strange at me…”
“Just stop being so socially awkward and it will solve itself”, Hansen said.
“Or just close the zipper”, Carlén laughed.
“Oh, thank…HEY WHAT?”, Andersson snapped back, more than a bit annoyed.
Fooled you!", Carlén laughed even more.
“Then we had a puke green Newton Gravitas from the early 60s…”
“Feels like a throwback to my times”, the spirit of the early UE era in the sky told Andersson.
“Why are you staring into the sky like an idiot?”, Hansen asked him.
“Oh, nothing”, Andersson excused himself. “A Sceptre Caducus that seems to have been through some rough times…”
“Not bread this time, I hope”, Hansen said.
“I am not hungry”, Carlén said.
“A Carlisle Stoop…”
“Nobody will notice its demise after 24h”, Hansen answered.
“I get it. Now, there was also a Wartburg, and…”
(Hansen making crazy frog sounds)
“A 4 stroke Wartburg, I would like to remind you”, Andersson answered. “Also, a MCP Lombardi that looked like if it was almost falling apart by itself…”
“Weren’t they like that from the factory?”, Hansen answered.
“Do you have to give me sour comments for everything?”, Andersson asked Hansen in an annoyed tune.
“Yes, because you gave me sour comments for my driving”, Hansen answered him.
“That’s just because a tuna would be able to pass you, on land, AFTER it has been canned”, Andersson said in a grumpy tune. “Also, a Kazrohn 452…”
“Now, talk about being passed by a canned tuna”, Hansen said.
“The Kazrohn 452 is the actual can!”, Carlén continued.
"Also, there was a HED Wedgie…
“At least the spoiler is well fixed to the car then”, Hansen and Carlén chimed in.
“I have no idea what the two of you are talking about sometimes. Someone had thrown a Schnell V8 into a Hakumai…”
“That should be a source of fear”, Carlén said.
“Either that, or the engine is held in with duct tape”, Hansen continued.
“I didn’t see any tape”, Andersson continued. “Then we have a Bricksley limo that I guess either will self-destruct or obliterate everything on the track…”
“I think it will first obliterate everything on the track, and THEN self-destruct, so there will be no winner this year”, Hansen sighed.
“Finally, I saw an Uyemura Prefecta R. Should we fear it?”
“Maybe”, Hansen said.
“And maybe not”, Carlén continued. “Oh well, at least this seems to be the year for proper shitboxes then.”
“Yeah, someone even brought an IP into here”, Andersson said.
TO BE CONTINUED…
(@MoteurMourmin, @OpheliaSakura , I could unfortunately not find entries from you among my messages, so you’re unfortunately out)
(All the bashing of cars is done IC, and just for fun, and does not represent my views of the actual cars, I am happy and satisfied with every car that has been sent in and I want to thank all the participants.)
